i fear i will always be a simp

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once these things are ingrained in you from the tender age of 14 it is extra difficult to reverse them and rebuild yourself as someone that woman will actually want to give the time of day.

i fear that, in the extremely unlikely instance that i DID find a person i liked with whom i was compatible with i would become very attached too quickly and drive her away and then end up where i was.

nobody likes to be put on a pedestal but i have been alone for too long so it will br hard to avoid.

maybe some of you remember my posts on the subject but from 2011 until 2018 i was, um, "involved" with a psychopathic manipulative c**t who wasted my money and time.

i am very grateful to all of you who managed and bothered to talk to me about it and convince me to go NC, which i have done for 16 months now...

that never would have happened if my parents were not unloving and that girl from arkansas was not my first experience with someone who cared about me, at least at first.

what else could i do? i had no experience with such things. i was blind

unbelievable that people younger than me even then could navigate that minefield much more skillfully.

i feel bad for her, having some autistic creep latch on to her right away and i wish i could go back and curb stomp my 14 year old self for being such a clueless moron.

it drove me crazy. thank you all for pointing that out. probably an unfortunate consequence of that is that i now see manipulative narcissistic traits in more people and it has become much much more difficult to confide in anyone.

what i'm asking is, how can i be more comfortable with being on my own so i don't go insane and clingy when someone may actually want to be around me so i can avoid driving them away?

how do i find the balance between that, and being "too aloof"?

i don't want to give any more BPD idiots any more attention

You know I won't pull punches, Kip, so here goes...

My advice (take it or leave it) is to not try so hard to find a girlfriend. Instead, keep trying to integrate with groups, over and over until you develop your social skills just enough to 'click' with someone else. In the mean-time, join groups. It doesn't matter what kind of group, as long as it's legal and you feel comfortable. If someone asks why you don't have a girlfriend, just say "I'm not ready yet" or "I haven't met the right one yet" or maybe even both.

Learn what recreation the group likes. If it's poker, learn to play poker. If it's D&D, learn to play D&D. If it's camping, hiking, and howling at the moon, then ... you get the idea. It's all about social 'mainstreaming' -- learning how to blend in and at least appear to be like the others.

If you have a standout talent, exhibit it. Baking? Show up with home-made brownies. Music? Bring your instrument. Dancing? Bring on your smoothest moves.

Keep your personal 'issues' personal. No one needs to know what's troubling you -- at least, not every little detail. When someone else starts complaining, don't engage in a "More Miserable than Thou" contest. Instead, sympathize -- "Oh, that's rough", "That seems painful", or "You must be broken up about that". You know ... the old Empathy Model.

All of this means being less impulsive, less negative, and certainly less inclined to over-share. Just think of all of the advice you and I have given to certain other members of this website who "cannot get a girlfriend". There has to be something in all of our amateurish attempts that will help you out.

It's tough being alone, but you can use the solitude to develop your strengths and acquire new skills.

Kip, you've been a great help to me over the years, so I'm sure with just a little introspection you will find something that works.

I fear these fear-based patterns of decision making I have to look up on urban dictionary because EVERYONE ELSE IS THINKING THAT WAY & I choose to treat people in a simpler, more grounded manner.

Overvaluing people is normal, I think it might even be called love but what do I know?

Aww, you're cute.

I do however fear the implications of my own cuteness.

... Whatever that actually means.

I bet every 14-year-old boy has "latched on" to somebody. I certainly did. I wanted to have a girlfriend---so I hung out with the first person what was interested in me. She was only 12, but was already "adult" in way too many ways. I was WAY more inexperienced than this girl.

It was okay at times---but it soon got to the point where we were glad we went our own separate ways.

I feel like you have a lot going for you, Kip. I feel like you're going through a tough time now.

I mean....you know how to fix cars. You can speak a few languages. You have the ability to discern quite advanced humor. And you're good-looking to boot.

I'm not sure what you mean either. I think some of the stuff you write on here is cute, like what you said on love in this thread for example. There was something in another thread you said too where I thought to myself, "Awww".

Just be happy you don't have people cutting into your alone time.

You're worried that people will think you're clingly. It's possible you could meet someone more clingy than you and then you'll think they're insane.

I’m in that situation myself. I am autistic and I have borderline personality disorder.

And I realized recently that I try to hard to keep my friends and not let them go as I was afraid they would abandon me and while I seem to have a good relationship with them I felt very insecure and I would constantly give them money just so they wouldn’t abandon me and the thing is they all did, and when I realized how they just used me in a abandoned me, I said some horrible and disgusting things to them out of hurt which made them leave me permanently.

And I’m 29 years old and I’ve never been in a serious Relationship and the longest relationship I’ve ever been and only lasted a few months.

What is a simp? What is an NC?

Kip, I think Fnord has said it all.

I think we all make mistakes early on, at least NDs. I’ve certainly made the mistake of being too clingy, too distant, too just about everything. And, Retro, I had someone who would. Not. Let. Me. Alone.

Meeting my current husband, who amazingly loves and respects me, did not happen until I made the firm decision that I was going to live alone the rest of my life.

My experience kinda contradicts your advice Fnord but I may be a rare exception for a guy. I do like the integrate with groups idea. It doesn't work for everyone but in general meeting more people & getting to know them & them getting to know you, increases the chances of meeting someone who you'd like who also likes you. Plus developing better social skills is good as well. I also like the idea of developing strengths and acquiring new skills. It's good to try & work on yourself if you have reasonable expectations & take things in smallish steps.

My way of sympathizing is to talk about my own experiences & how they relate to what others are going through. It helps them know they are not alone with what they're experiencing. Plus sometimes there's suggestions in there of things that have & have not worked for me which may give others ideas on what to try or not to try. I found those types of people to be the best when I was going through a bad depression. People just saying they were sorry & tossing out some old tired cliché was kinda useless & ticked me off sometimes.

I don't think being negative is necessarily a bad thing. There's actually some social clicks that cater to negativity like Goth & EMO culture. Thou both those groups were a lot more popular than they are nowadays. I never been a member of any cultural group but I'm attracted to EMOs cuz I really relate to things like being upset about relationship stuff, being bullied & not fitting in, being depressed ect. Plus EMO music is awesome.


I kinda think people who are clingy within romantic relationships should seek out partners who are also clingy. One idea for seeking them out is to try & look for people who have issues that may cause em to be clingy like anxiety, OCD, Borderline Personality ect. Plus sometimes us Aspies are more accepted by NTs with various issues than by typical NTs. A couple ideas for seeking them out is to join support groups that are for those types of issues(assuming those support groups are in your area) or to look online. That said it's hard to find someone who's on the exact same level you are so it's good to try & work on being less clingy. In my case some of my clinginess was due to BAD anxiety & OCD & getting that treated helps me be a little less clingy. Given a choice, I think I would rather someone who's a lot more clingy than me than someone who's a lot less clingy.
As a side note it seems to me that NT girls tend to be more clingy than NT guys. Also Aspies in general tend to want/need more space than NTs. So it's fairly common for Aspie guy & NT girl couples to be very mismatched with the space thing. A clingy Aspie guy might have better luck with an NT girl when it comes to the space issue.

Really? You both should establish a little contact. How about talking a bit with each other at the phone?
Can be fun as long as you are liking each other.

Could be a problem of trust. It hard to change that. You should talk about that at the beginning of a relationship and care a bit more about yourself.

simp - (common noun) - shorthand for "simpleton": a man who does not understand the evolution-driven, mercantile nature of human relationships (jargon)

NC - (abbreviation) - shorthand for "no contact": permanently ending a relationship with no future communication

I read it as chimp at first; I thought it would be an interesting thread.

Hoo hoo!