Depression Episode!..How to help my Aspie Husband?

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I am so sad this evening...Non-autistic, here, happily married to my beloved (undiagnosed Aspie) husband...My husband is high-functioning...At present-time, he works with cattle during the night...Plus, he works some days in agriculture during the day for extra monies... Tonight, however, he struggled to get out of bed to go to work...He did not eat, which is not unusual...(As long as he eats one meal a day, i am ok)...He texted me that he felt like "flying" away...(He lives a healthy life-style, so his need to 'escape' should not be confused with the use of illegal drugs)...

He also wrote to me that he wonders what love feels like...That i am so tender and loving...That i don't deserve him...That i deserve someone who "feels" like me...That sometimes he feels that he is a bad person...And that even i have believed that in the past...That i will never understand him...That he suffers...And that sometimes he cries...He also said that his mind was 'blank'...

I soon realized that he is going through one of those deep depression episodes...And i countered with positive talk as best as i could...At the end, he proposed that we travel to Florida, a long-time dream of his...I agreed to it...With the only condition that we have our mechanic check our vehicle first...A used car we just purchased...I then looked for him to hug him and to offer to drive him to work (for my own peace of mind), but he declined and drove himself to work as usual...

Other than his high-risk job, we have been in a strict quarentine throughout this pandemic...We live in one of California's hottest spots for Covid 19...And frankly, i don't like the idea of traveling during these dangerous times...However, in the moment, i felt compelled to agree to the possibility of a long-distance trip to comfort my beloved husband and to give him something to look forward to before he headed to work...

Now, i am here wondering what, if anything i said or did, triggered this latest episode of depression...Just previously i had sent him via WhatsApp a link to one of my favorite love songs, ONLY YOU by The Platters...And i also sent him the lyrics, and traduce these to Spanish...My beloved husband and i never had a wedding reception...One of my dreams since i fell deeply in love with him has been to slow-dance this song with him...Now i feel guilty, because my well-intended romantic gesture may have triggered his latest episode of depression...

How should i proceed now???...He just called me to let me know that he arrived safely to work--as he always does per my specific request...I am so-o-o mad at myself right now!! !...By nature, I am a very thoughtful and romantic NT...But i am willing to change my thoughtful ways if these make him feel inadequate in his role as my husband...The wellbeing of my beloved husband is most important to me!! !...On the other hand, i should clarify that most days, he reciprocates my love with small and big acts of kindness towards me...

I joined this forum for support...In fact, it was recommended to me by a professional...I was told i would find a friendly audience here...And since September i have confirmed this...I welcome your advice...Sound and specific advice that may help me better understand what my beloved husband is going through right now...Sound and specific advice that may help me support my beloved husband to overcome this latest episode of depression...Thanking you all in advance...

Depression just IS.

There isn't necessarily a reason.

It is very easy to dive head-first into searching for one, and that can be a cause of great guilt and frustration.

The best thing to do is be reassuring. "I know you don't feel happy right now, but I will be here for you whatever". Just be around, without causing a fuss.

Little distractions can be helpful, too. A walk or a card game or maybe some nice food. But nothing that feels like a Big Deal, as if he's already feeling guilty and not good enough, that could add to the pressure. Little things work better than major ones, very often.

I know when I am very depressed I lose the ability to make decisions. So I dread having to go to the store multiple times a week, for example. Agreeing to only go once made me a lot happier, I just wanted to get everything done and go home knowing we wouldn't be back for a week. Sounds silly but it made a big difference.

My preferences won't be the same as your husbands, but you seem to understand him very well and I'm sure you'll be able to figure out low-key ways to help and show you care without creating any guilt. Depressed people know they're gloomy and withdrawn and potentially a bit of a "burden" and that knowledge becomes part of the problem.

On the other hand you are human too and I don't suggest tip-toeing around him too much. You won't have done anything deliberately to make him feel down and you don't hold a magical key to fix him either. Be supportive but still be yourself. If you like to sing and laugh then continue to do so. Remind him of positive times in the past, and things to look forward to in the future. Depression typically clouds judgement so everything seems rubbish, even when that's blatantly not the case. Keep chipping away at that, and don't get drawn into it.

Depression is a form of distress. Stress builds up in the body like water filling a glass. When it reaches the top of the glass it can flow uncontrollably over the edge of the glass. It can move a person into a state of distress. A very minor stressor can become the last drop before it overflows. So in reality it might not even be about something you did and it may be very minor in nature.

You are such a blessing to your husband. I could not think of a better wife for him.

The holiday travelling idea sounds excellent. I have to go on driving trips for a day or two to keep my self happy. I will do all I can to de-stress. Knowing there are many appointments looming up stresses me especially if they are not in my control. I have no wife. I live with my Mother. She gets easily talked into things and going places so I have whole days eaten up like this as she does not drive. My Mum and I are close as we are on a similar wavelength so it is very likely that if I am on the spectrum, that she is as well even though I tend to think more in pictures and my Mum thinks more in words.

I find that when I am feeling right I can tackle things in life. When I am not, everything is a struggle. It is important for him to have holidays (If he is like me) in places that will de-stress him. Days of relaxing and enjoyment. Try to avoid stress while preparing for them. Have a routine of preperation planned.
Why this is important, is all work without these breaks brings stress and too much stress brings burnout.
Burnout is a horrible thing. I hit the last burnout badly in late summer of 2019 and I am still not right yet. It effected my ability to do things. Even my hobbies (Special interests) have been put on hold.
Burnouts effect me in a physical and mental way, so it is why it is important for him to have these relaxing care free times with you. Depression is an indication that the stress build up has reached a high level.

Routines are important while working and sudden changes outside these routines bring stress. One automatically tends to make ones own routine in ones mind and sticks to it. Sudden unexpected changes can bring me shutdowns be they partial or full, so any new plans should be introduced and planned in advanced.
I say this because it is through my experience of what works best for me. Farm work has routines. It is all about routines. A certain time for feeding. A certain time for milking. A certain time for mucking out and then pressure washing. A certain time for spreading a thin sprinkle of lime and then straw on top for their bedding etc, etc, etc. Even the cattle know these routines. Routines are good.
Stress comes when extras are forced on top of these routines, as extras are extra. The routines still need to be done. (Iam saying this as a general guide to farmwork. I did not realize how routine based farmwork has to be and I grew up on smallholdings, where they have routines, but farmwork is almost all routines and routines tend to be good for those of us who are on the spectrum... (I am waiting an assessment so I don't know if I have many traits or if I am on the spectrum)).
Sorry. I type a lot as my mind wonders...

But routines without recharge times (E.g. holidays and breaks) brings on depression and this turns routines into boring drudgery which is when toutines can turn on you. (Talking trough experience).
I find personally that though I dreaded new enviroments, I had to keep changing jobs every two years or so due to masking. The cracks would appear in my masking and I had to get out and start again, so though it would be a stressful time of learning new routines in a new work enviroment, it was better t
hen the dreadful stress and anxiety that came on me when the masking started to break down and the bullying started as co workers started to see the real me through the cracks in the mask and felt betrayed. (They may not have known this or why they would turn on me, and even if they did not and were nice, when I hit this stage, I would have the stress and anxiety hit me full force as if my body and mind were expecting it, so every day life would be living "On edge" in a fight or flight type of mode, and I would hit burnout before I know it, or I would be in a battle fighting it off if that makse sense? So I had to chenge jobs but stay in my special interest line of work, but that is my personal story. Your husband may be quite different where the thought of change may bring dread and stress. I am only mentioning how things hit me personally incase it may help).

Sorry. I have written too much. I write too much!

I hope all goes well and you two have a well earned break and come back fully re-charged from your little adventure!

Apart from being supportive and being there to give him a different viewpoint on his problems, I think a lot if it unfortunately is out of your control. Maybe some things about his autism are getting him down and unfortunately there is not much you can do about it. Its great the you are so supportive and hes a genuinely lucky guy to have met someone like you. I would just say keep an eye on it, if it is long term or severe, I would say seek mental health services and maybe look into medication and therapy treatments.

THANK YOU, ALL for your replies...I am elated to report that my beloved (Aspie) husband is doing much better as of yesterday...I know this, because he was able to eat and because he was chatting with long-distance friends and family...

He is, however, somewhat disappointed...Because he mentioned to me, yet again, the possibility of traveling to Florida; and i suggested that we postpone it...As i mentioned all the complicated logistics due to Covid 19, he soon told me to stop the planning of it...What a relief!! !...

Anyway, each and everyone of your comments above-mentioned are very insightful...And will surely help me to be a supportive wife...I am so-o-o grateful to you all

You are welcome. Plan some lovely outings even if nearer to home, and go out and enjoy.