At wits end

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Ok, need to hear from aspie men. I have been dating an undiagnosed aspie for 3 years. I gave him the AQ test. He scored a 49. I have no doubts about this, however, I will never tell him because I am afraid he will use it as an excuse for bad behavior and will make him unwilling to change his patterns when they are affecting others.

I spend time watching his patterns, and the one I fear the most is where he contemplates, decides, turns the key and locks the door forever on a person. I have seen him do this with two employees he let go. He does not express emotion over these changes although I know he has feelings about them.

Here is my dilemma. Having a wonderful dinner and meeting my friends afterwards. My friends decided to bop up to our dinner table and say hello to us and our waiter (we have all known each other for 20 years). I saw the forehead furrow, saw him turn the key in his soul and saw the lock in his eyes. When we got back to his place he said we were through. He walked out the next morning and went to his other house.

He has very stringent beliefs on how people should act. I did not invite my friends to our table, they decided to drop by say hello. I did not shoo them away, as a) that would be rude and b) I like my friends and was happy to see them (he has no clue how anyone can be happy to see anyone---he tells me this).

He is very nice, we have very similar interests and views, and we never fight. The few times I was furious with him was before I even had a clue he was AS. Now that I look back I can totally forgive something he simply cannot help (dealing with surprises and schedule change, big no-no).

He is very nice, we have very similar interests (outside his two extreme interests) and views of the world, and we never fight. The few times I was furious with him was before I even had a clue he was AS. Now that I look back I can totally forgive something he simply cannot help (dealing with surprises and schedule change, big no-no).

I have two choices: walk away or try to repair. I have no clue how to go about repair because with what I have observed is there is no repair; he doesn't look back. When he dismisses someone there is no discussion. Is it better for him if walk away or repair? Is this common and will he come back when he cools off? If this were a NT guy, this would not even be a weight on my mind. Of course I would try to make amends. With bf, it is different. I am afraid if I contact him it will drive him further away rather than show an expression of love. I am afraid if I wait for him to return on his own accord he will take my showing no effort as a sign and that will drive him further away.

I don't know. I would make some attempt,
but just not get your hopes up. Maybe he'll
come around, but if he's the way you say,
in terms of not rethinking (so like my wife),
there's nothing you can do.

Frankly, to make this kind of decision
on so little sounds like he's simply not
worth it. Of course, I'm assuming that
there isn't more to the issue than you've
presented. I could see extenuating circum-
stances, which would make this a lot more
understandable.

Leave it for long enough that he'll most likely be regretting his decision (though probably not admitting so). This is something you'll have to judge based on your experience. In my life I normally take about 2 weeks to realise when I've screwed up. Yes, that long.

It might be more effective to start by writing a letter explaining how you feel, and also a little about the restaurant scenario, rather than phoning or turning up in person. Many people on WP don't like using phones, and as you say he is fussy about protocol.

Although Aspies are notoriously "black and white" thinkers, every relationship involves making SOME compromises in order to keep one's partner happy. When he's had a chance to calm down, he's going to have to weigh up whether it's worth at least considering your point of view in order to keep your relationship going. If the answer is "no" then I'm afraid he really doesn't value your company as much as his independence. It may be that he needs that distance to cope with his AS so I'm not saying you should automatically feel offended by this, though it does seem rather harsh.

Thanks Hermit! He is always very clear that his alone time is as necessary as the air he breathes. We live an hour away from each other, which is why I think he has been able to survive for so long in this relationship. When we met he told me he does not do well in relationships. I can see why, as all his ex's have taken advantage of his good nature. I always give him more space than he needs and wait until he approaches me to engage in after down time. When he comes home from work he gets solitude for as long as he pleases. When he’s fiddling around the house I know if I so much as walk across the room and don’t say a word, I have completely distracted him.

I am assuming there must be more to this than meets the eye, but he has communicated nothing about dissatisfaction to me. He usually says what is on his mind, he can’t help it. I guess it is difficult for him to express something stressful. He constantly tells me I am wonderful to him, how much he appreciates me, etc. He definitely has no recollection of the early months of our relationship, but I guess he was so busy trying to pass himself off as normal. He’s definitely better than normal.

I do write notes all the time for him, either love notes, instructions to do something or I add myself to the bottom of his chore list (not only do I come last, I don’t want him around if he’s thinking about all the chores he didn’t get done). I will wait until he calls until I write. It will give me time to sort through all the emotions of denial, sadness, anger and “I can live without you. No I can’t”. LOL, I never put things in writing that I may regret.

I am just so aware that I need to handle this differently than with others. I know everyone AS or NT is an individual and has different ways of reacting, but I need to hear a perspective I can get no where else. I adore him, respect him and although I do get on his nerves from time to time, I do everything to accommodate his quirks and I encourage his interests. I am never mean, I never put him down, and I always listen. It’s the way the world should be!

Im very similar to your boyfriend, i have, in the past if someone did me wrong or hurt me i would leave them out of my life, only regretting it in time, (years) by then its far to late, life is strange i suppose...

I have very similar beleifes on how ppl should behave, and get angrey with them when they dont act as i feel they should have, its an unrealistic expectation, i cant tolerate any rudeness and need to learn to accept ppl (some) for who they are, your BF must also do this.

Try and repair, i know, once i find that girl, ill always love her no matter what, one has to change a bit, meet half way in a relationship, and im sure hell regret his decision in time, i hope its not 2 late tho...

good luck...

im pretty much that way with people..... but it takes a lot to get there... and it depends on the relationship i have with the said person...

Let me see if I can help. A lot of AS sufferers look at the world through a weird black and white filter, either you're my friend or you're my enemy, something is right or something is wrong etc. etc. What we don't realize is that this drives the rest of the world crazy because a) the world does not work like that (there are shades of gray) and b) the world does not have to conform to our rules.

So, two suggestions

Firstly, sit down with your boyfriend and try to explain that first paragraph to him. Just because someone doesn't fit into his standards of 'correct' behavior doesn't mean that they are bad, just different.

Secondly, work with your boyfriend on his social behavior (warning, this will take a long time). Establish some sort of code between yourselves so that you can warn him when his behavior is starting to fall outside of reasonable standards. Even now I still make the odd social gaff and when this happens my warning is my girlfriend asking me if I want a tissue to blow my nose. It's simple, it works, but getting an AS sufferer to change and improve their social skills can be an exercise in patience.

Finally, hugs help. Good luck.

Ed Almos

Oh, I know just having a girlfriend creates an enormous amount of pressure on him, but it is all in his head and his doing. I never yell, I tell him to come and go as he pleases, I make sure his home is comfortable, clean, always some yummy dinner and best of all, I expect nothing back except an occasional head skritch. I think he has been contemplating breaking it off and he was just waiting for a moment that didn’t fit into his scheme of how the world should be. I saw it in his face. We were happy, relaxing at the beach, laughing through dinner and I saw an expression I have never seen before. I saw the crossover.

I did all these nice things to accommodate him before I ever knew he was AS, and I would never put pressure on him to do anything. I will ask if he wants to go to a concert and he will not know (planning ahead…pressure) and I will get him a ticket anyway because I know the night I am going he will want to go as well. And if he is tired and doesn’t want to go? Fine. No yelling, berating, just a meal and a quick kiss before I go. I tell him to come visit me whenever he is done his “stuff”. I never put a timer on him. Holidays? Come or don’t come, whatever makes him happy. I never resent him for not being where I want him to be. I just let him know I want him all the time, but I want his mind there so he better get enough stuff done so he feels like he accomplished something. Ok, whatever. Girlfriend of the year award. I just want him to be happy, with or without me. I always tease him that I am never afraid of him leaving me for another woman, I’m afraid he would leave me to be alone. He gets such a chuckle out of that.

I have to wait how long??? Sadly I will be out of town for 4 days, so those won’t count in his mind because he can’t come to me even if he wanted to. I need a hobbie…

Ed, I am cracking up. He has very stringent social skills and expects people to act proper or else. It can’t be just one incident, it has to be coming from something else. I redirect him when he is being inappropriate in very subtle ways as to not embarrass him. He has no clue that he is inappropriate at rare times, and he will still think he is right and the world is wrong. I crack up because his employees constantly tell me he is a “social ret*d”, but I never see it. Yes, when he calls his mother an overbearing mother while we have Mother’s Day breakfast, I see it and redirect it. Basically I tell him I am happy she was because whatever she did made him right for me. And I now remind him before all meals with his mother that comment should not escape his lips. He has cultivated great social skills by watching and mimicking what he thinks looks good and what he is comfortable with.

We have had discussions on numerous occasions that the world doesn’t think like him and yes there would be great order if they did, but he has no insight. He tells me he was depressed and had suck low self esteem before he met me and now he sees things differently, but he does not recognize when he does a blunder, and when I tell him privately later why it was not too cool he just doesn’t acknowledge it. I am kind and careful with my words. I don’t accuse him, and I know he mulls my suggestions over because normally the behavior ceases.

I am very happy to have some Aspie men to talk to. No one would ever understand. NT guys would universally say “Dump him. Do me”. Ugh. I don’t want to change him, but if he is done, he is done, nothing I can do. Or is there??

Ah, but we do see what a treasure
you are to him. As to "done," it's hard
to tell. I kicked my wife (prior to such
legitimacy) out for a hell of a lot more,
and realized how very much I loved her,
about a month or two later. Luckily, I was
able to get hold of her again.

Sadly, she turned away from all contact,
when I angered her much later.

I am certain that I am AS, and fairly so that
she is.

I am sad to hear you are missing someone you loved so dearly. I just happen to have a high threshold of tolerance and high enough self esteem to not take things personally. I have a life and want him to have his as well, and from time to time our activities cross paths and we have time to enjoy our common interests.

Amazingly, he did text last night, and he hates texting. I feel so badly that he feels horrible for his behavior, but I did tell him he needs to tell me what is really going on in his brain so we can fix it. No response to that. He stresses to the point I am concerned about his health, and so is he. I will give him the time he needs, as I am in no rush to resolve what is going to take a lifetime to cope with. He admitted in his text that there is too much going on and it’s not me. I have a wonderful life I worked hard for and he was the missing piece. I am empty without his sweet, kind ways. Whatever he did or whatever is going on can be worked out, but he needs to tell me. Although he thinks I am a mind reader, I really am not.

How long ago did your wife leave, and what was her reasoning? Do you keep in touch?

This is a fantastic sign. Yeah, give him space that he
needs, but don't let him forget that you are there, if
he needs you. If too much time passes, it may be too
hard for him to re-establish contact, on his own - even
if he desperately wants to.



After 11 years together, she was going insane.
She was the outer face to the world, for both of
us. That, along with a slow disassociation, brought
about by a number of things, and my inate cruelty.

That was 4 years ago. We remained in touch for
2 years, with me always trying to win her back.
She made a couple of suicide attempts (unable
to live with or without me), and we got together
a couple of times after those. Really looked like
we were going to take a shot at reconciliation,
but I had some doubts. I expressed them. That
was that - there was no chance any longer. Some
harsh letters passed, and she turned completely cold.
Within a few months, though I had stopped saying anything
which could be seen as mean - she cut all contact.
I don't know if she's alive or dead.

I love her, but simply can't bring myself to try and
hunt her down. Not for any reason.

Anyhow, I had seen her cut her family out, in the same
manner. She just shuts someone off, and they are dead
to her.

Ohh, good insight. Thanks for the tips!

After 11 years of insanity, perhaps it is better that that phase of your life ended so you can start another. Don't look back on that one, just look forward. Make sure next girl has links to her past. Any person who has no ties you should be leery of.

It’s never too late to start over!!

I think you need to change too if you really want this. Don't expect too much out of him, try meeting him half way. After all you are supposed to be more adaptable.

You're friend inviting themselves round is a case in point. It can be very disruptive and anxiety provoking when people just turn up when they feel like it. Personal space can be very important to people. I wouldn't like it either. Maybe you aren't aware of the anxiety side because it can be well hidden.

Maybe the problem is he expected you to know these things. He may have already thought he has told you. That happens to me. I think I have told somebody something but I haven't. It is to do with Theory of Mind.

I think he is probably having a meltdown and wanted to draw a line in the sand. I think forgiveness/blame is not important in this case. I would just contact and say you want him back and you will make sure you inform him next time your friends want to come round. Also encourage him to tell you anything that he has difficulty with.

Then I'm screwed then. I have memory problems I can't remember my childhood at all. I feel very uncomfortable going back. I cut people out too. I don't have enough time to post a possible explanation as to why. Point is I know I wouldn't do it again. I made real friends for the first time recently. That is the only history I really care about.

Oh no. You miss the point entirely. Those were
the only stable years in my life. And hers. Indeed,
I would have welcomed shared insanity.

And, she had links. Perhaps the depth of our
love destroyed them. Indeed, 'twas when she
started re-establishing friendships long past
that troubles began.