Fed up with an aspie husband

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I have been married to an undiagnosed (suspect to be aspie by psychiatrists, but not willing to participate in a proper diagnosis.) for 7 years. I still love him. But, sometimes I feel I am done and I can not bear the loneliness, I am wondering whether there is a way to get support to improve my mental condition.

Try to meet your Aspie husband halfway.

Try getting your husband an official diagnosis from an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health practitioner instead of only assuming his "aspie-like behavior" is the result of him being an aspie.

Better yet, instead of assuming anything, try getting the both of you to a marriage counselor.  You may find out that the problems you claim to be having with your husband are not really his fault at all!

No ... it is not always the husband's fault...

Thank you very much for your support.

Actually, I started to feel he is indifferent towards me, within the first few months of marriage. He always engaged in his work and did not come to our home for two months in the beginning. Then I talked with him and was able to meet a psychiatrist with him. It was the first time I heard about Aspergers. However, he refused to meet him after two sessions. Thereafter again time passed without any improvement and I started to suffer from unbearable headache. Then, the physician suggested that I am probably suffering from depression and recommended to meet a psychiatrist. I was treated to depression by this second psychiatrist and when I got better due to medications he again chose not to meet the psychiatrist. The second psychiatrist also suspected that he is an aspie and said that he refuses to answer any question out of his comfortable range and he is unhappy to cope with any counselling.

Like this, I actually worked with three psychiatrists. My husband refused to talk with them and participate in counselling sessions in the middle on all three occasions.

I somehow manage to have the marriage for 7 years. But by now, I feel I am exhausted and my efforts are in vain. I feel like I am taken for granted in this relationship.

But, I am still trying to continue this, because he values my freedom and respects me as a partner, although he can not be intimate with me and I feel lonely within marriage. I am thinking of a way out and try more.

7 years, and you are "thinking of a way out"?  Yeah ... that seems about right.

Here in the West, we call it the "Seven-Year Itch".

Many Aspies do not display emotions like others. They are hard to read. So if you husband is an Aspie, it is best to be direct. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Also written communications can be more effective than verbal. Aspies like to mull over things in their mind. It takes us a little longer for things to sink in.

For example my wife complained because she felt unloved. I noticed that in her culture flowers were important and that giving flowers were a sign of affection. So for the past decade I have been bringing her a bouquet of roses whenever I go to town.

I never remember birthdays or anniversaries. So my children have put alerts on my computer that will pop up with warnings. They cover for me.

These are some of the positive attributes of Aspies:

* They are usually loyal and dependable. Competing to get ahead is less important than solving problems and meeting challenges. Conscientiousness, faithfulness and devotion to duty matter more than ambition, especially if that ambition would cause others to suffer.
* Adults with Aspergers pursue ideas they believe in without being deterred by what others say. They are not easily swayed by others’ opinions, nor do they give up because someone tries to convince them otherwise.
* They are good at recognizing patterns and in classifying things. They are comfortable with order, precision and categorization, which make them successful in following rules, allocating resources and solving problems.
* They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends.
* Speaking their minds regardless of the social context is true of many adults with Aspergers. They are much more interested in someone’s skills and expertise than whether that person is viewed favorably by others.
* Adults with Aspergers are especially good at noting and recalling details. They are helpful at work that requires knowledge of facts, details, and memory. They are often exceptional at the recall of details forgotten or disregarded by others. They have a passion for gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest.
* An acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, including touch, vision, and smell is common and having such unusual sensory experiences gives them a different perspective on the world.
* Adults with Aspergers tend to be trusting of others, even charmingly naïve. They are compassionate and caring, and many maintain the belief in the possibility of positive relationships.
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.
* Because they don’t mind being alone, they are often willing to engage in solitary work that others avoid, which puts them in the position of making tremendous contributions at work and school.
* They are able to comprehend multiple levels of meanings of words and ideas and can form connections that others miss.
* They are persistent, and when they set their minds to something or make a promise they can usually be trusted to follow through.
* A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.
* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.
* “Most of the major advances in science and the arts have been made by people with Asperger’s”

I suspect she's Westerner despite the location, Easterners VERY rarely see any psychiatrists.

He may very well be part of the Cluster B types of personalities. He could be a narcissist (they will never admit to anything and always use others to do their dirty work for them), a sociopath, histrionic (the dramatic ones that makes everything personal), Antisocial Personality Disorder.... well and so much more. If he doesn't want to talk to your couples therapist. Why not let him, choose his own therapist. Even if he does, it will take at least 5 years to make any improvement. That's if he is not inevitably delaying his appointments to make it look like the therapist wasn't able to meet him.

Anyway, I would say cut him off, and move on with your life, and then take a hard look at why you are so attracted to him (or people like him). Because there is a reason why you allowed him into your life in the first place. So you should discuss that with your therapist. (Usually Cluster C type personalities ends up being the doormats for Cluster Bs).

I recommend Elinor Greenberg Ph.D's book Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety 1st Edition

First you need to be self aware. Then you will understand the other person. Because if you don't, you will just end up going for the same type of person again.

Narcissists comes in so many levels, they could be the classic narcissist, or covert or passive aggressive etc. Normally cluster C lacks complete narcissism, because narcissism is healthy when balanced. A narcissist refers to someone where the narcissism is so high and pervasive in their life that it ends up being on the opposite end of the spectrum of narcissism.

I can't be sure about anything, all I have to go on is what you're saying... but to me, it sounds like he's not willing to even try to make improvements in your relationship and/or with himself, whereas you are. That would piss me off. Relationships aren't one sided and take work. If he's not willing to put in the work, that's a problem, imho. How much time and energy are you willing to put in with someone who isn't willing to do the same in return? Do the positives in the relationship outweigh the negatives? If they don't, it might be time to cut your losses and go. If the positives are worth it, then find yourself a good therapist if you aren't still seeing one. It might be beneficial to find a therapist to help you weigh out the positives and negatives as well. It can be hard to discern those things when in an emotional and/or reactive place.

Perhaps the two of you can get some marital counseling.

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NT, here, happily married to my beloved (yet undiagnosed Aspie) husband...You don't have to explain anything to ME...I totally get you ...

My husband and i 'broke-off' our marriage numerous times during our first year of marriage...I was already vulnerable health-wise before, so all the conflict debilitated me much more...And i soon began to show signs of depression and anxiety...My husband, like your husband, refuses to follow-through with his neurologist who is an expert in autism...We both have endured great suffering due to our persistent misunderstandings...Thankfully, this second year of marriage, we have reached a certain degree of contentment in our neuro-diverse marriage, that i consider myself HAPPILY MARRIED...

For example, just now, he called me to ask me which kind of chocolates i prefer, because he wants to buy me some...I absolutely love chocolates...I LOVE HIM, SO-O-O MUCH...I cannot imagine my life without him after only two years of marriage...Please feel free to PM me whenever you feel the need to vent...

... ... ...
Please forgive me for intruding...But as you well know ASD is a spectrum...And within said spectrum, we find some Aspies who are reluctant to follow through with a diagnosis...

My beloved (yet undiagnosed Aspie) husband is originally from a country where there is no general knowledge of Autism...And therefore, an official diagnosis would only be available to the rich...He says that at his age (40+), he considers it unnecessary...According to him, he is as he is, and no diagnosis will change him...(I tend to agree with him)...He insists that i should accept him as he is, and I already did--on our civil ceremony when i said "I DO"...(That was almost two years ago)...So, i don't pressure him to subject himself to such medical scrutiny...He well knows that I LOVE HIM and that I ACCEPT HIM AS HE IS...For the time being, this seems to give him contentment...If he becomes terribly ill with shutdowns and meltdowns or burns-out, i will address the topic again...But for now, i will not insist...Greetings from CA...

Fnord, you are being really insensitive here.
This poor woman comes on here looking for help and you've basically belittled and gaslighted her by saying that she's only assuming her husband to be on the spectrum and that she is likely the one at fault.
Seriously? In which planet is that an acceptable response?

... ... ...
I am with you...Immediately after my civil ceremony to my beloved (Aspie) husband, he was offered jobs far from me...And he was readily willing to accept these jobs and leave me behind with the promise to come back...On my honeymoon phase ...OMG ...Only an Aspie would think to do such a thing ...(No offense intended here)...The first time he accepted a seasonal job far from me, it almost broke our marriage...The second-time, i respected his decision...Eventually, he succeeded in finding work locally...And still, he would go through episodes of feeling the need to 'escape'...And i would try to reason with him...I would say, "AMOR, you will not gain anything by searching for work some place else, for it is "You" that you are running-away from"...These episodes are not as frequent anymore...And when they do happen, he now includes me in his plans to move-away...He seems happy in his present employment, at least for now...Meanwhile, i am prepared to 'run-away' with him--like two teenagers--if need be

Sorry, to get back to the thread topic, I have sympathy with the situation.
Although in my case my husband was more likely an undiagnosed narcissist than aspie. But the similarity is that he refused to seek any help by way of counselling, either for himself or jointly, so I ended up doing all the work in trying to maintain the relationship. He was quite comfortable blaming all my suffering on myself and expecting me to change to meet his needs.

The trouble is, it can never work if the husband does not recognise the wife's suffering and is not willing to make any changes to improve things for her. Because we can only change ourselves so far, and personal counselling and mental health support only goes so far, and it's not sustainable without the partner's support.

So in my view, you need to take control. That means being willing to leave the marriage, and make him aware that you are willing to leave the marriage. Force him to see and recognise your suffering and the need for him to make changes also and meet you halfway, rather than leaving all the emotional work to you.
If he remains unwilling to make any effort even after you make this clear, you will be better off with someone else, I believe.

In my case, it was only after I actually physically left - I walked out on him - that he wanted to seek relationship counselling. And even then, he used the counselling to try to guilt me into returning, with no recognition of any fault on his side or any need for a change in his behaviour. Still he was expecting me to change myself to suit him! Of course, I did not go back, and although I still feel lonely sometimes, I've never regretted that.

What I will say, though, is that the above is an experience with a suspected narcissist and Aspergers is not the same at all. If he is aspie there is more likelihood that he will be willing to make compromises and work things out with you, once he is clear what the problem is. With a narcissist he may not care how you feel, whereas with an aspie he probably would care if he understood, but likely does not fully understand your needs and how you are feeling.

So it would be best to find a way to confirm just what the issue is with him - AS or something else (Cluster B personality, as mentioned by someone else?) The nature of the problem and the solution will be very different depending on the result.

Stay strong

... ... ...
For your information, more than half of marriages fail within the first year of marriage...The next dangerous year is the third year...Then the fifth...If the marriage survives the seventh year, there is still the risk it may end when their youngest child graduates highschool...I know this, based on my in-depth conversations with a female attorney with many years of experience working with dissolutions of marriage at a time i worked on a paralegal capacity with personal injury matters...

So, to attribute this post to the so-called 7-year-itch is to undermine the pain and suffering of an Aspie's wife...With all due respect, I think you owe her an apology...Thank you...