Living with someone with executive dysfunction

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

I currently live with my boyfriend, who has executive dysfunction, which generally manifests itself in him forgetting things (meetings, stuff he was meant to pick up, stuff he was supposed to do, events we've planned, etc.), he's bad at planning, he loses track of time because he's hyperfocusing on things, and he's good at losing things and bad at finding them again.

This is generally not such a problem, as I am pretty good at almost obsessively keeping track of things, reminding him about things, finding things, and I really think my strengths complement the things he doesn't do so well. However, sometimes it's very difficult, especially when the thing he's forgotten is something that's important to me, or I'm just having a bad day myself and my patience is shot. I know it's not productive to be annoyed with his problems, and i know he can't help them, but sometimes it's hard for me to really understand and keep my cool. I really love him and I want this to work, and I want to learn to be more patient, compassionate and understanding.

I wondered if there was anyone on the forum who had experience with these kind of relationship problems and if you had any advice, insight, coping strategies or stories to share.

Thanks!

I know it's hard sometimes--and he might forget important things.

What I would do: try to get him to organize himself, through writing things down in a scheduling book or something of that ilk

I know it's a pain in the butt--but try to remember these important occasions, and remind him of them (gently, though).

At the same time, you should tell him (nicely) that it is his responsibility to keep track of his appointments, etc.

While you are helping him, he should take his own steps to alleviate some of the difficulties pertaining to executive functioning, and to not use his "condition" as an excuse.

Does he have a high anxiety? That would cause all those things. Otherwise it seems a lot of people have these problems nowadays.

I guess he has anxiety, but that seems to stem from the executive dysfunction rather than the other way around. He was diagnosed more than 10 years ago, and much worse than i've seen in anyone else. I'm not really after an explanation for it, I'm just after advice for coping mechanisms.

The best "coping mechanism" is to encourage him to lessen his "executive dysfunction."

Don't be rough about it--take "baby steps."

But I feel it's essential if he evolves from a certain place, up to another place in the executive functioning continuum.

I'm not that great in executive function--but I'm getting better all the time.

Respectfully, I disagree. Executive dysfunction is a clinical condition. Having been diagnosed with it , don't assume you know how easy it would be to cure it. I'm not saying there is nothing that might help but encouragement is not something that will work on it own, and there are limits. I think you are trivialising it, or maybe misunderstanding what it is.

Being "better organized" is an objective not the cure, becuase the brain is disorganized, you cannot suddenly be more organized that is not the brain you have. Just becuase other people are doesn't mean you can just emulate them.

My advice is adaption. I can't loose my white board becuase it is screwed to the wall. Any time I need something done, I write it down on he board, it is not done at any set time, or in an organized way, but it is some reminder mid to longer term of things that needs to get done.

My whole lifestyle, career everything is adapted to suit me. How other people may do things is up to them. I have to work with how I think.

@hanachronism I don't have much relationship advice, keeping my own space is hard enough. I would still prefer to live separately in a relationship, not just becuase of executive dysfunction but that is part of the reason.

Lessening the anxiety will lessen the compounding effect on the executive function. I know this from experience. However how drugs interact will be quite different, which is why a drug free approach might be better.

I have found good diet, exercise, improving sleep patterns through blue light alarm clock, CBT and neurofeedback to be helpful. The last one needs a lot of research, it is definitely a try before you buy thing and not all types will help. However it is not going to "cure" adaption is the best approach, and not everybody is in a position to completely change everything.

Keeping active mentally is important, but stress can also make it worse so you need to consider how this may be done.

Everybody has some habits or pattern of behaviour, and you can exploit that to insert at the very least reminders.

Don't expect miracles.

I don't believe I mentioned anything about a "cure."

I mentioned finding ways to lessen the impact of executive dysfunction.

Like you stated, there are ways one could adapt to the world when one has alternative "wiring."

I think we disagree less than you think.

You are not his mommy and it isn't (and shouldn't be) your job to nag him about everything. His problems are emphatically NOT your problems.

I think the problem is that YOU want your boyfriend to overcome his executive dysfunction and it really doesn't seem to bother him. Your options are limited to:
1) accept him as he is, executive dysfunction and all
2) hope he decides his executive dysfunction is a problem and takes the initiative to address it
3) dump him.

If it was your boyfriend with executive dysfunction problems writing for tips to address his executive dysfunction problems, I'd tell him to get a smartphone and use the scheduler on it to run his life -- he adds his meetings, chores, shopping lists, appointments to it and programs it to send him reminders.

(That is what works for me, plus GPS trackers on objects I lose - like keys, car, notebooks, luggage).

I'm not asking for ways to manage executive function, I'm asking for coping mechanisms for partners. I.e. how to be more understanding and accepting.

I already made it clear I was choosing your first choice here, there just isn't a magical switch which makes it easy. I'm not really after "get him a smartphone", I already know that and he already has one, and he does mostly look after that himself. I'm more after people who have these problems as adults giving me insight about how it affects them emotionally and in relationships because I find it difficult to relate a lot of the time. I'm not trying to fix him and I'm not trying to be his mommy, I'm just trying to get more information to be in a position where I can "get it".

Personally for me both mental and physical space a intimate and personal. I'm not sure if he like me but I value independence above all, including relationships.

I suggest if you are getting frustrated, don't be hard on yourself however go off an do your own thing for a while.

I think the way you put it was maybe a bit patronizing. It didn't offer solutions, and insisting on something with no way froward, and unrealistic goals is only going to put him between a rock an a hard place.

I'm a techie an programmer, yet my whiteboard has been more useful than my smartphone. I'm not saying my smartphone doesn't have a use, a pre-smatphone

GPS trackers, and bluetooth trackers are a good idea but there an expense associated with it when you scale.

0_equals_true - this and your other points here are very good as usual. At the moment I'm mentoring someone with Asperger's who also has executive disfunction - it's very common among people with ASD. What we're working on together is to find solutions that suit him and his specific circumstances: a varying combination of practical techniques, reminders, notebooks, diaries, smartphones etc. We are also discussing some of the root causes of this executive disfunction, both external and internal, such as anxiety and poor working memory; plus he sees a psychotherapist regularly.

OP - like anything related to the autism spectrum, executive function is a complex area and has no 'quick fix'. It can be frustrating for friends and colleagues, but trying to impose broad-brush NT methods is unlikely to work. Your boyfriend needs to find out what suits him and adapt over time.

Solutions? I don't mind offering solutions.

1. Always have two sets of keys lying around at locations which are known to you.

2. Always have some kind of flash drive so he could simply back up his work. Make that two flash drives. But not things which he finds personal.

3. The other suggestions put forward here.

No, anybody who knows me knows I'm not patronizing. If I was, I'd also be patronizing to myself. The only way to improve in anything, I have found, is to be proactive and not passive. I'm a screwup, but less of one through action.

The way to adjust to executive function difficulties is to lessen the impact they have, so both of you could be happy.

Try to anticipate the impact, and take steps to lessen the impact.

I just read your story and O M G!! ! The fact that you know your partner has that is a major advantage. My partner has been giving me all the signs of executive dysfunction since we met but I have such a kind heart and so patient, his behavior didn't bother me so much but not knowing why these things would happen and every time I ask him why he forget this or that again and again and again, he always say I dont know. Mind blogging. He's older than me and how are you not able to keep track, organized, things clean, etc. Hearing you write out about this breaks my heart because I can only imagine how you felt but the fact you knew whenever you found out.. Is huge huge. Would like to talk with you about this. Sadly I ended my relationship recently out of 2 years not knowing why my partner couldn't stay focused and committed to tasks and goals.