Dealing with others' anger or moods

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I'm only recently diagnosed (in my 30's) and I recently learned that some people with aspergers can be quite strongly affected by other people's negative emotions (positive emotions much less so).

In my previous relationship I know I really struggled when my partner was angry. It didn't even need to be directed at me. My response was to distance myself and even hide, which just made things worse. I just found it incredibly stressful and even traumatic to deal with and I just don't like being around someone who is angry. I guess there were two aspects to it.

1. I now realise that many times what I interpreted as anger may have been frustration, venting, or any number of other similar emotions and it's very likely I significantly overestimated the intensity of the emotion as well.
2. The idea that I absorbed and was deeply affected by my partner's negative emotions really resonates with me. I would feel really tense, anxious, even afraid. It was horrible.

Does anyone else relate to this? If so, how do you manage it?

Very much relate. I had a relationship where my partner was anxious and irritable, huge stress. He would even say mean blunt things once per day that would put me into the worst mood.

So glad I got out of that rship.

Yes, I can relate to this.

My wife is quick to anger and can be quite volatile.

When this happens I kind of shut down - go very quiet and retreat into myself.

Fortunately she understands this and leaves me to come out of it in my own time.

My previous wife used to get even more angry when I did this and afterwards go on about it at great length saying that I was being childish and 'sulking'

Ive accepted the fact that being exposed to moods and anger is am inevitable consequence of living with another person and the only way to avoid this is to live on my own.

To be totally honest, I sometimes think that I would have been happier throughout my life had I chosen not to live full time with another person.

I completely relate. I sponge up people's emotional energy whether its a relationship partner, a family member, or some stranger in public. TV and movie characters do the same to me.

The word autism is derived from "auto" meaning alone (autonomous, etc). That's why many of us prefer as much solitude as possible, even within relationships, so we can reset our emotional barometers. Other people can be overwhelming for sensory reasons such as being too loud, talking too much, being hyper, being repetitive, etc., and they can also exhaust us by demonstrating so many emotions we get burnt out. It's hard enough dealing with our own emotions, let alone others'.

Angry or extreme negative emotional s. Can cause me to want to withdraw, from most situations ..it angers me too
If some one is just trying to use use fabricated anger too control someone or some situation . This scares me, too have to even engage such behaviour . Have seen this happen often growing up .

Last edited by Jakki on 06 Mar 2021, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I get this with everyone, even if they're not my partner. In my last relationship this was a big issue because my partner was constantly sad/frustrated/etc. and let it overtake all our conversations.

I honestly can't handle being around or talking to intensely angry/sad/etc. people at all, partly due to autism and partly due to trauma. If I am around someone like that I get unbearable, terrifying levels of anxiety and my first instinct is to try to physically leave the situation.

I discovered this fact years ago, and I'm never taking chances to live with a person or get married again. The burnout factor is just too high, and I can't neglect self-care. I need a LOT of alone time. I'm in a relationship now and I only see him every ten days or so. He's great and we have a really nice time together, but I can't stay there more than a night or two or else I can feel myself start to get antsy.

(I should add that he isn't an angry or moody person at all. I still need to have a lot of time alone).

Do you communicate online when you're not there in those 10 days?

We talk a little bit online, but mostly telephone. I'm not normally a phone person, but it's helped me to communicate better overall.

Covid has also kept us apart. He wasn't able to be in my social bubble for the latter half of 2020, and even now I'm kind of breaking the law when I visit him.

He's only 30 minutes from here but we are in two very different regions for Covid restrictions. We normally have a short phone chat every day but go longer stretches apart. Right now I've been babysitting my kitten who was spayed, and I can't leave her alone or out of my sight for 12 days. Thank goodness tomorrow is Day 12!!

Whew 12 days ..... your a good kitty. Mommy .....

It's been exhausting. I can barely leave the room to shower or eat, because she might jump or climb.

26 hours and counting.

Hope kitty is being polite while she is healing ......

I can relate to what the origional poster put.

I think most autistics & NTs would say that about my girlfriend.

This is may sound odd but I was often sad & frustrated when I was single & getting in a relationship with a woman who's like that actually made me happier. I find those types of people to be more accepting & understanding of me & being accepted & understood makes me a lot happier. I may be able to feel more empathy for those types because I've been there. They say misery loves company. Being supportive of people like that may be one of the few relationship strengths that I have, I don't bring much to the table otherwise. I'm suddenly thinking of an ep of The Simpsons where Lady Gaga kept trying to cheer Lisa up but nothing was working. Then Lisa got angry at Lady Gaga & Lady Gaga decided to give up & she started feeling bad herself & Lisa was suddenly happy. I wish it would work like that for my girlfriend. It kinda works that way for me sometimes. Cass can be very tiring sometimes but the worst part is that I know lots of times there is not much I can do to change the situation. The most I can really do usually to help is be a sounding board for her. However I know from personal experience that simply having someone there who cares enough to listen & can relate some can be a huge help sometimes. Thankfully it works like that for Cass as well sometimes. The biggest reason I feel bad is because I love her & don't like her being unhappy or in pain or anything. The times I find her most difficult to deal with thou are when she's taking something out on me that really has nothing to do with me; like she's misdirecting her anger at me or her OCD or anxiety is acting up & she's upset with me over something most others would not care about. I bite my tongue a lot in those situations & avoid acting upset as best I can & usually a while later I'm OK. Or I remove myself from the situation & go in the bedroom & get on my computer or take a nap for a bit. I used to get upset & blow up at her so I've made a lot of progress over the years. She has a close relationship with her family & a couple times a month she'll spend a couple nights with family & I find having that time to myself can be very helpful for me.

He seems to have a job he has to go to. Otherwise I can't imagine him not joining you and the kitten. It would give you more free time and him time with you. Then again breaking the law sounds romantic but it might not be safe too often unles hed sleep over.

this is why I struggle in workplaces and relationships, I can't seem to handle it, when I lash out it is never forgotten, if someone lashes out at me, they don't remember it the next day, no big deal.