Difficulty with decisions

Post Reply New Topic

So I have this currently thing with a certain person, Im poly.
It's an issue between me and r00tb33r actually.

sometimes he can be a little pushy with talking about me visiting America and moving there, I kept telling him that I can't do it because of various issues I have even shopping is extremely difficult, and he says sorry but then he brings it up again as if it's going to be something real, as if I am actually going to do it. We sometimes get in difficult emotional discussions over it when I can't ignore it anymore and we just don't agree.

Today we had a long debate and he kept trying to support me and make up for all my doubts like usual, saying hell help me do it, and pay for me, and I just can't do it because I don't know much about him at all and things are currently going bad, it grinds on my trust a lot a specific thing, he sometimes says that we should take it one step at a time and he believes he can convince me to do it, and who knows what else, we even talked about marriage today which is completely not something I should do because people can get stuck in situations without thinking and just do it out of desperation. There's quite a bit of emotional value currently and it's not easy to keep saying no, especially that in a way I want to visit him and even live with him but it seems impossible and not something I truly can be free within, self reliant and if something happens to be able to fly back on my own or hold my own in the country with all the papers. I rely on him with everything practically because I have no idea about the paperwork needed or even how to fly without issues and I worry id get stuck without money in America not being able to return.

He claims he wants to bring me to America but it's not a life I truly want, to live there isn't even doable because with a visa it's temporary and I will always have to return home. Medical health is very expensive in US and he said id be saving him a lot of money if I'd marry him. But there are too many things wrong with marriage especially if I get pregnant because doctor checkups are too expensive. And working is really dangerous because I keep getting sent back to my country every time I get fired on a day's notice, but honestly I think id rather do that if i can get a job, or study. But I don't even think i should be living in America, and I know nobody there, if we fight and im left on the streets seems a very vulnerable state for me.

He says that he can't have an online relationship and this is just a way to take it to the next step.

I have already agreed to meet him in rl and he wants to visit me but it's not enough and we're already talking about me going to America and I just don't think is a good idea. I mean it seems very fair that id go if he comes too and it isn't an unreasonable thing to ask but I worry about what he's planning to keep pushing me towards and what i might get into.

I have to get out of this abusive poor lifestyle in my country, Im very aware there's no way to build a life for myself away from mom because salary is too low and I can't even keep or seek for jobs consistently, but I don't want to get into something just as bad due to my desperation, it's well known people make horrible decisions in such states.

I have agreed today to visit him, I don't think it's a good idea and I don't know if I'll ever do it, honestly it just makes me panic. I feel like I can't go either way. I don't want to lose him, at the same time I don't want to lose myself. And I also don't want to live here forever because the unhealthy factor but here I know what's in store for me. And I also feel like if I don't take chances Im never gonna be able to leave this household.

Im doubtful about him and this lasting, Im doubtful when he doesn't respect my decision and Im doubtful when he tells me how the life I lead is 'fighting over rags' and I don't like my life, but I don't want to be controlled, to have no place to go, to have only him to rely on, and to have him keep trying to change my mind because Im only human. At the moment he has no issue with me having other partners but I do have an issue with living with just one person and depending on him. And he said he would take care of me but at the same time he said that health insurance is way too high for him to afford unless we're married. Getting married would mean lying to the state and myself, getting stuck, risking my children and finances and never divorcing because I have high issues with getting papers done. Marriage isn't doable for me yet he keeps saying it's easy to divorce. Besides I want to hang out with other men. Im sure that's illegal, I could get in trouble for it.

Sometimes he says he wants children, today he said he doesn't but he doesn't know what the future holds. i am very agaist having children, and he said he isn't going to force me but he's going to be unhappy if he changes his mind. One time he says he wants me to be exclusive, and then that issue is gone. I don't know what he wants and it seems like these things I really can't offer him and he can't do with them, the future is very unpredictable.

I'm very stressed and unsettled about everything and I feel that my decisions are being influenced and I'm scared. He wants to help me with money for house repairs and send me expensive tech things and already paid my YouTube premium. He seems to be great help but at the same time it's driving me crazy and I don't want to become something Im not.

I know of one example of an American woman (ex-coworker) whose boyfriend lives in the UK. She simply visits him once or twice per year and the rest of time it's long distance.

If you want some sort of relationship then I would suggest something similar, in which he visits you 2-4 times a year. At least I believe Romania is an inexpensive country for an American to visit, especially if he can work remotely it shouldn't be prohibitive. If you can maintain some sort of relationship, especially if it needn't be exclusive, that could work. I think that might actually have worked for me at your age, although at the time I got married I was fairly certain I wanted kids so really hard to know how I would have felt about it then. Nowadays people (such as my married son) seem far less interested in having kids than in my day.

There was an example of two people on WP, an American man and a Turkish woman. They claimed to both be asexual but in love. I believe she came to the US and stayed with him but then couldn't get another visa. Eventually he just went to Turkey to live with her, without any immediate plan regarding how he'd support himself.

Yeah if you had an arrangement where a couple times of year you got to be a couple and maintained your personal space the rest of the time, that might work, especially for people on the autism spectrum who I think are prone to unrealistic optimism regarding a relationship with somebody else on the spectrum.

Doesn't look like that's what he wants, though!

Anyone you're dating really should be respecting your desire to not move to the U.S., and if you don't want to even visit them or have them visit you, you do NOT have to, it's your life and you have full control over it.

How long have you two been together? If it's only been a few months marriage should also be off the table completely, especially if this is happening. I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you are being pressured into things you don't want to do.

One thing I'm wondering is, you say you don't want to lose him, but are you currently happy/comfortable in the relationship? You can love someone without having to put up with them pressuring you, and if not putting up with that makes the other person possibly not want to be with you anymore, then that can be the best option. I had to learn that the hard way recently.

I dealt with a bit of a different situation where my last partner of almost four years wanted me to stay with him, even though I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship any more and it was messing with my emotional well-being. We even talked about living together when we finally got out of our controlling, abusive home situations and eventually getting married, and I felt like that was my only way "out" since I have no other friends that I'm that close with.

When I talked about taking a break or not dating anymore my partner essentially guilt tripped me ("I don't know what I'd do, I might kill myself" etc. etc.), especially when I brought up specific problems we needed to address and he'd make me feel like I was abusing him and being evil. It messed with me a lot and I felt like I had no control over my own decisions, and he did a lot to make sure that I was worried about "losing" him and that I'd doubt I could ever be close to anyone as much as him.

I mention that because after I put my foot down and he finally got bored of me and replaced me, I realized I didn't deserve any of that treatment, and just how toxic it all was. I'm not saying you have to leave your partner or that he's toxic, but I can truly empathize with not feeling like you have control over your own decisions and feeling like a relationship with someone might be your only way "out" of an abusive situation.

I also wanted to share that so in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation with someone you could maybe see some "red flags" and understand that you don't deserve nor have to put up with such controlling behaviour, and maybe it can help you put your foot down about certain things in this scenario so it doesn't possibly get out of control. In my experience, it gets harder and harder to deal with these things the longer they go on, and I really don't want you to have to deal with that.

Is he aware you are writing this thread about him?

If you aren't ready to meet him or to move, either don't do it or let him do the travel. There is only one person in the history of internet friendships I'd be comfortable visiting internationally. It's a big step. It's nothing against Rootbeer either. Your gut knows best and there's no rush.

That looks bad and I feel anything I would say would only make it worse. I feel like I don't have a defensible position here.

Torches and pitchforks are coming. A barrel of tar and a pile of feathers are in my near future.

I hope you know that I don't have an issue with you personally, and that my response to Rexi is mainly about her feelings and personal situation. I can empathize with her, and recognize from experience that some of her feelings and her circumstance can put someone at risk of being put into bad situations in any relationship and relenting to other people's wishes.

I also hope that you two can work out any issues you are having, and have a fulfilling relationship where both of your boundaries and wishes are met.

You just really have to think this over, RootBeer.....no tars and feathers.....

Maybe this is a silly suggestion for you guys's situation, but is there any chance you can meet on holiday in a third country first?

I met my ex on a forum site. Back then I really wanted to get away from my parents and stay away from them, and I had always had an expectation that I would permanently move abroad (somewhere abroad) someday, because I never liked it here. I didn't depend on her for it, but I took full advantage of the relationship as a well-defined motivation to move ahead with it. At first it seemed like we were going to meet in Europe first (where I was getting my dual citizenship sorted out), but I ended up staying with her in Canada for about three months instead. I think we had been talking for some two years by that point.

I think I would have liked it better if we had actually met in Europe. My stay in Canada wasn't all bad, but overall, being there was unpleasant. It felt very weird and restrictive not being able to go anywhere without her driving me there. I'm not used to that at all. Until then, it had never occurred to me that there are places where you can't just, like, go out and get something to eat. On foot, by bike, by bus, anything but driving. Nope. Gotta drive to a Walmart half an hour away. And it's not like I was going to make any friends in the neighborhood or anything. Besides being a loner to begin with, in Europe I blended in but in Canada apparently I did not. I felt distinctly out of place, much more so than I do here.

I was also very stressed the whole time about what we were going to do after my three months there, and she was very stressed that I needed her to give me something other than indecision. Before I was there, she always talked about how she wanted to move somewhere else, and that she was willing to at least consider living together with me in another country. I took her seriously at that, but I don't think she ever really was serious about it. She was only playing along with my ideas, apparently for the sake of "not losing me".

We broke up after that, no surprise (the relationship just wasn't meant to be). I ended up back here with my parents. I thought I'd be here only temporarily, but I made peace with them and also learned to see the value in certain things about this place that I used to take for granted. I still don't really like it here, but living somewhere I actually liked (namely: Finland) would be so expensive it would defeat the purpose, because I would probably have to look for/accept more work than I can handle. My capacity for sustained work is limited, and the dollars I make are worth a lot more here, so I've learned to accept this compromise and just live with it.

Not sure what the moral of the story is... But anyway, I felt like your story/situation was somewhat relatable, and maybe mine could be of use to you somehow.

I'm NOT familiar with the background & history here. I only click on some threads & I tend to skim past the posts that go off-topic when there's a lot of posts in the thread. I'm kinda sporadic nowadays with my posting & reading focus.

That said it sounds to me like he is wanting a mail-order bride type situation with you where an American guy marries a woman overseas & then brings her to America. Those types of relationships can work well for some couples but the woman has to be wanting to move to his country in order for it to work. I'm wondering why you entered a relationship with him in the 1st place if you had no intention of moving to America? Were you expecting things to only be long-distance forever? Did you think that he might be willing to move to your country? I'm NOT trying to attack you or him. I NEVER had a problem with either of you & don't really interact with either of you that much. Like I said I don't know the backstory here.

You mentioned him wanting you to move you to American but I didn't notice you mentioning anything about him being willing to move to your country. Did you two have any discussion about that? I do know from personal experience that long distance relationships can be extremely difficult, especially if your like me & are needy & clingy within romantic relationships. All 3 of my romantic relationships were LDRs at 1st. I had the intention of moving to be with them & woulda done so in a heartbeat if I woulda had the means to do that. I hated living with my parents & felt trapped. Unfortunately I would not of had the ability to move in with either of my exes for the foreseeable future. They were both students. My 1st was in high-school & I couldn't of afforded to move into my own place near her. I had been job searching in my area for quite a while with no luck & I wasn't even on SSI then so I was completely financially dependent on my parents. My 2nd was in college & she was dependent on her parents to pay for her apartment & schooling. Her parents woulda cut her off financially if I woulda moved in with her unmarried or if we woulda got married. It was nothing against me, her parents were hardcore conservatives & it woulda been like that for anyone she woulda got in a relationship with. My Social Security Disability would NOT of been enough to cover all those costs. I was willing to wait to move in together but it put a lot of strain on both relationships knowing we couldn't. Both those relationships only lasted about half a year. I'm not gonna say what you should or should not do. That is for you two to decide. All I'm gonna tell you guys is that you to need to have a serious discussion & really hear each other out before deciding anything. You can debate it but both be respectful of each other & take some time to decide.

The late singer Tom Petty was very right when he sang~ "The waiting is the hardest part"

I don't think the issue is just moving to the US or not either. You can correct me if I'm wrong. It's the whole kit and caboodle of marriage, kids and everything else.

Only do things your 100% certain on. Otherwise it will come back and bit you in the arse basically. Also not everyone wants the American dream so to speak. Would he be happy moving to you? Besides you can't marry someone you haven't met you, that's just silly even for me and I tend to rush into things! Although there is a tv show on it. Could he not visit you in your home country first to make you feel more secure?

How is you education level? If you haven't got a degree or masters some countries let you study free in their countries and teach in English, so although you'd need a job for living expenses you could get a visa to study there, unless your in the EU then you wouldn't as I think some Scandinavian countries do it last time I looked into it. So that might be an option plus improve your own job prospects later on.

R00tb33r. Just slow down a bit, think about her and what she wants. Your asking for a big thing. Would you be happy for me to say I'm moving you to the UK no questions asked and basically demand you marry me? I doubt you would to be honest. Is it not possible for you to move there if it doesn't work out and as Rexi is poly are you happy with the other relationships she is likely to have with men and not become a jealous guy as you knew she was. It's very hard if your more of a monogamous person and clingy\needy to boot.

In my opinion at least, unless there's a lot of certainty and clear alignment of priorities, the person who's better able to leave the situation in case of failure is the one who should move more out of their comfort zone for the other one, if both going out of their comfort zone equally isn't a possibility. I think the explicit possibility of being trapped would make anyone very nervous, and it's very difficult to develop a good relationship that way, which of course makes failure more likely, which of course makes the prospect of being trapped even scarier, and so on.

It's very tempting to just try to make the most out of available resources, but I think there's no way around the fact that reassurances need to take priority.

I linked it to him after I was done with it, I said he can relate his side.

Having people know and talk to me calms me. I feel like I'm not alone in something secret. It's not easy to reveal the vulnerable sides of both of us, I m thankful he's gentle with me despite doing it.

Generally it's going so good, but this issue has a great potential to destabilize both of us. He speaks some things that aren't that great and apologizes, and I feel like I'm losing control of the situation and I say blunt things and how to treat me. We explain a lot of things to each other to reassure one another, but it can only go so far because there are some things that are true that belong to each of us as needs. He took the first step to be here and in a way I feel like I should come up with something to make it all fair. But I don't feel like I can do the things that would really mean a lot to him, it's back and forth, I get scared. It seems like when Temple Grand talked about totally agreeing to go to a party and when that day comes bailing out because of overwhelming anxiety.

I want to meet him, and I see no issue with this, but he feels it's because it's easy and convenient for me, and he said he rushed things and that i shouldn't talk decisively about what ill do in the future because we don't know how our opinions will change but I think these important matters will still feel as hard. I just said that it won't happen and I won't do it but he didn't accept it.

There are various issues that have improved, he is more understanding and supportive and tells me that I don't have to do it, but when he talks about his unhappiness with not having me in rl and what he wishes and needing to see me in the morning before work and in the evening, I feel like after all that he's giving to me I will not be able to make it up to him. He says some things affect him and he doesn't know how long he's able to put up with them. That I think includes the way I talk to him and I think he needs better support, I'm not sure how to give it, I'm often not gentle when I have to say I won't do something and I think he's and hr even said it, he's often thinking about it and that seems like background frustration and I know it's very stressful on a person. Plus these things he's making due without that compel his needs. Its probably harder for him on a day to day basis than it is for me. It's mostly when we talk in depth about these things when I get so low that I m convinced I shouldn't be in any of it and feel powerless and that feels horrible, drains me a lot. At the same time I feel like with him there are endless opportunities, because he will help me through everything and always be there, no matter how things are going or even if it ends. But I have great doubts about how reality can really be, it seems to me everyone believes they'll always be and bad things will never happen but it always does and it ends. I want the situation itself to prove it's different, I can't be sure of anything else.

I fear a discrepancy between what I want to do and what I do for the relationship itself especially when Im so willing to please. And I fear being taken for granted if I do it and limiting the fun and independence I have in my life. I don't want to become a zombie at all, it's one of the fears of the failures I think I better change. At the same time some involvement is required to maintain a relationship, be it not always 'on my terms'.
He gives more than he healthily should, stays up with me despite having work and talking to me at work and he's pure sugar in most ways, so it's probably fine to set some dates at the right time to equalize the involvement even if it's a few responsibilities i have to unexpectedly attend to, it's positive to be able to manage some days for him. It really isn't bad if I don't do it non stop and it will help him not lose sleep when hes supposed to rest for work. He mentioned such dates a couple times now and I wasn't sure about it.

I find it harder and harder to involuntary be away from him to be alone or to keep some space after arguments, it kinda worries me. We cuddle up and kiss after arguments, is it right, is it wrong? Even after all the relationships, studying, I feel like a kid who knows nothing about dating. And I feel like we get along because we can be supportive and close. But we don't always that's why there are these problems.

We talked about him moving here but he's working in America and he can't, he likes his job and he can't do it from Romania, it would be great if he could do his job long distance. This job is very important and pays off for him. It's not something he can give up especially that I don't have a job and I'm unable to support myself and have my own house.

Last night he said his final goal is togetherness, he needs to live with me eventually. It's far better than the scary ideas I had but it is still something very difficult to obtain, and I have to think about me wishing to go out with other people and the addiction nature if my relationships and if it's truly what I need, even if it's super tempting. Will something like this get in the way of me being motivated to be with others, and it usually is an issue. Living with just one person also depending on them isn't a position I'm comfortable in. And I worry he would get bored eventually after non stop closeness. It's practically his first relationship, it's pretty good but none of us knows what will happen.

I can't be upset if he decides a life with me isn't the right one, but it's not something he wants and he dislikes hearing it, and I equally dislike saying it, I also feel this creepy instinct to give and to stop being ruthless that messes up my logic which is very unsettling and alien and I can only read trouble in it. And this sense of an opportunity that only comes in a lifetime along with the terrifying fear of getting trapped and losing my powers and becoming a zombie and then being trashed. I have some things that I think about between us that I doubt and the possible reality of the situation because when we're in love we have no clue what the future holds.
I want to see the reality after.

On another note it's normal for people to visit each other and it seems reasonable, my fears about that aren't as big. But if id visit him it still wouldn't be enough, he more so wants to live with me and that's his goal. He said small steps up to that point. But I say it's not doable for me. Ill not be able to stay there reliably unless it's a marriage. And that's where marriage comes into discussion.

There's the option of being accepted to study in a school but studying equalizes hell and my plan was to never do it again and I don't want to be bullied which usually happens. This is more acceptable to me than marriage and having a job because it's more reliable for a couple of years. But then I still have to go back to Romania. I just want to have a good peaceful life and I don't think studying is part of it.

I thought having two jobs might make it more reliable but I don't know if I can be kept in position due to the mistakes and issues I have with anxiety and isolating. So if Im fired in one ill be okay still having the other and I could already have?[do i even get free health on part time jobs, and if i don't the job offer is pretty unreliable but I can still try] the expensive fees from doctor checkups which he says is throwing away tons of money which marriage is taking care of. But he also says he has no issue paying it for me.

But honestly I have no intention of moving there as marriage is certainly is not something I can do, and ill be sent back home which to me seems like just visits. So why not do that instead. Even though it's probably very expensive to keep doing it not to mention for him to have free days from work as often as he needs to come to my country.

But for now I'm not ready for even visits, Im trying to work out getting in a car with him because it might be better than using a taxi. And I am recognizing the benefits and I feel like it's fine to trust him but it still scares me. He agreed to come without renting a car. Maybe I should leave it like that. I have knee bursitis currently and isn't going away and it worries me with how much we have to walk, I want to show him things and he wants to buy me household useful things. I'm getting treated in 3 ways: local, oral and pressure stocking. I have to be careful and hope it goes away.

I guess public transport is good in the cities in Romania....but probably bad in other areas.

Public transport absolutely sucks outside of big cities in the US. It even sucks in Nassau County, one county away from NYC. It even sucks in some big cities. You must have a car in most US places.

Must one be an experienced driver driving in Romania in order to drive well in Romania without getting into an accident? I can’t drive in the U.K. because I’m not accustomed to driving there. I drive in the US, though.

It’s like a 10-hour flight between Romania and the Eastern US. And Romania is 7 hours ahead of the Eastern US.

The main thing is that you would be isolated in the US if you would move there—especially at first. At least you can speak the language. I also don’t think he would like you seeing other guys while you’re living with him....especially after you’ve been living with him a while, and are married. I bet you wouldn’t like him seeing other women, too.

Nowadays, it costs maybe $3,000 at a minimum to sponsor someone for a Green Card through marriage.

You two don't sound compatible.

No I told him he can fulfill the lacks that I can't offer him by marrying someone else and having children together but he said he doesn't do that, he wants to have just one person. His children desires changed after a visit from relatives children, but he doesn't know how he feels in the future and in life in general I think he wants eventually to have children, he also speaks passionately about his experiences with relative's children. He would even be fine adopting but Im not. I don't want to take care or be in the presence of children, it's exhausting and takes from the relationship. I have disgust and disinterest in children, I look down on their sociopathic tendencies and growing minds that I can't talk about my views with. I want to be in the presence of mature individuals and have stimulating discussions. I enjoy cussing and talking about sex also displays of attraction.

I don't have money, energy, patience, don't like diapers, loud noises and crying at night. I am not willing to take such a responsibility. I can't even shop for myself, I have a lot of issues ranging from emotional to functional and I want a life free of worries. I have strict views about things and sharing beliefs with a partner on raising children is nearly impossible, it weighs on the relationship which has deep compatibility issues. I can't easily at all tolerate witnessing treatment I know is not working on children. My brain wiring won't ever change, life will continue to be difficult day to day for me. I'm very positive my views will stay the same for the rest of my life, even if I become a millionaire. I would help poor children by donating but not being their mother.

That I'd be jealous and insecure is not important, I just want him to have the things he deserves, I know what it's like to never gain what you so deeply need. It's very destructive and unhappy.

I have a guy who is still using dating apps, I have no issue with that.

Last edited by Rexi on 25 Apr 2021, 10:17 am, edited 1 time in total.