Relationship Trouble: 30-years and Just Diagnosed

Post Reply New Topic

Hello, I am new to this website. I am a male, in my 30's and only recently diagnosed with autism. I've been trying to read as much as I can about it in order to finally understand some of the behaviors I never understood why other people didn't seem to possess, such as: I am constantly told I over-analyze and 'rant' too much about 'weird' topics.

I have recently told my partner that I am autistic, and I had the hope that it would start to heal our troubled relationship. She seems to oscillate between being supportive and yelling at me for using autism "as an excuse" for what she sees as my rude behavior. An example from one of our text-conversations: (we have started arguing via text in an attempt to better-understand each other during arguments):

"Just because you're autistic or whatever doesn't give you the free will to say rude s**t and get away with it. Nor does it give you the right to get annoyed at someone who is upset. If I got upset because of something an Autistic person did they would not tell me to stop being loud they would just f*****g apologize and be done with it."

From my point of view, it seems like she doesn't understand autistic behavior (although she fiercely defends that she does). I have always had a sensitivity to loud noises - going so far as to wear ear muffs when I feel overwhelmed.

Worse is the idea she seems to have that I am intentionally being a "bad partner" when it comes to behaviors which I believe are associated with autism. For example:

"My issue is I can't f*****g have a god damn relationship where I can f*****g say things that annoy me. I allow you to express your annoyance but the moment I do I get s**t from you about it. The issue is every f*****g time I just want what anyone wants in a f*****g relationship I get told not to say s**t about it to the person I am complaining about cause your first thought is that I will. My problem is that you assume I will just walk up to your brother, mom, dad, whoever the f**k and say how I hate them. My problem is that I can't have any f*****g person to f*****g talk to since you don't allow me to speak to you. My problem is you."

I believe what she is describing above is the "Masking" behavior in autism. For as long as I remember, I've always been very careful about trying to 'read' other people during conversation, and to portray myself the way I am supposed to based on the circumstance. I have adopted the hypothesis that I may be trying to "Mask" her behavior as well as my own in order to avoid negative attention finding its way back to me. This is, I believe, what is causing her to become angry. She is, in my opinion, rather confrontational with people (something she refuses to consider), which can make me feel very uncomfortable when I'm around her when she is being confrontational towards myself or others.

The worst part is that I believe she may have some form of Social/General Anxiety or Depressive/Anger disorder, and that my 'autistic' behavior easily triggers it as I often make blunt statements (which other people tell me are rude). Unlike most people, she seems to handle my statements very negatively. She speaks very rapidly, loudly, and emotionally (all of which bother me greatly). She often angrily rants in circles: repeatedly telling me what I did wrong, and how it hurt her. I usually can't handle the speed at which she talks, and I usually don't respond in the way she wants. She will, for example, ask me "Why" I made a rude comment, and I will try to explain myself - not realizing that she does not want an explanation at all: she wants an apology with zero explanation. Unfortunately, explanations are my default-setting, and I feel cheated that I am always erroneously assumed to have ill-intent when I say blunt things, and then being made unable to explain myself. For example:

"I don't need your over explaining s**t. How about you just say you're f*****g terrible at being a partner and you refuse to let me say anything that bothers me cause you're autism doesn't allow me to have feelings cause it bothers you so therefore you have all the right to hit me with your rude ass comments while I just get told I am terrible. STOP f*****g explaining s**t to me. I don't give a f**k."

I honestly don't know how to respond to her way of understanding autism. I have tried, countless times, to read her the symptoms of autism, or link to her articles about living with someone with autism. Sometimes this makes her react positively, but it always seems to degenerate again whenever our next argument occurs (which is approximately 1-2 times per week). It's like a scab that never quite heals. I have tried, countless times, to 'schedule' times in the week when we can discuss our problems rationally and un-emotionally, but whenever I mention this she becomes angry and it never ends up happening. In fact, most conversations I try to bring up about our communication problems end up devolving into her feeling so angry and hurt that she refuses to discuss it.

I don't know what to do. If anyone has any insight into what could be causing the problems described, or methods that can help bridge the gap between the autistic and non-autistic world of relationships, I would be immensely grateful. Thank you.

It sounds like she doesn't even want a relationship with you....

I honestly can't understand what she is trying to say in those texts.

If I was in your shoes, I would text her something like, "it sounds to me like you no longer fancy me. Maybe it would be for the best if we each went our separate ways."

If she wants to make an effort to understand you, there may be a chance.

But if she just wants to change you, it's already over.

The deep down issues are with her reactions to you and not your reactions to her.

This depends entirely on what the rude behavior is. Autism can excuse some things, but not everything.

We're only seeing your side of the story in this post. We're not really seeing her side. You're showing angry excerpts she wrote, but zero context to what led up to that. It seems like there were weeks or months of frustration leading up to this.

It depends on what exactly you're saying/doing that's making her upset. Maybe she's misunderstanding you and overreacting; or maybe she has a legitimate reason to be angry.

She sounds like one of those female NT spouses that is all "me, me, I, I, woe is me" types that won't even try to understand how difficult things can be for you (this is why I don't believe that all NTs can put themselves in other people's shoes).

A lot of NT women with autistic partners become like this. They're all whiny like "aw, woe is me, my partner is so abusive because he has autism and he doesn't understand me, he makes me feel invalid and like I can't express myself" and they make the guy look like he's some sort of psychopath or a freak. And then this is where the stigma is born.

I bet you're not nearly as bad as what she makes out on the texts, and I bet if you was an NT who wasn't Mr Perfect she wouldn't be all dramatic about it like that. These women seem to expect autistic men to be 100% perfect, and if they're not then they're "abusive", even though nobody in the world is perfect.
You're probably too caring (as autistics are known to have a lot of compassionate empathy), so she acts like a spoilt child that throws her toys out the pram if you say "no" or don't agree on something or something else that is not exactly related to you being autistic. It is usually the case with these sorts of Aspie-male-NT-female relationships.

And NTs are supposed to be emotionally mature and put themselves in other people's shoes?

She sounds like shes got a anger problem. Maybe you brought this out in her, or maybe shes just naturally like this. Doesn't look like you're compatible. But of course this is only a small representation of her behavior, i don't have a enough information to judge the situation.

If she would like an apology, then she should not ask "why". She should say, "what you just said hurt my feelings". Your response chould be, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Can you explain why what I said hurt you?"

This is how adults converse, even with hurt feelings. If they love each other, they do their best not to say anything they cannot take back.

She is not conversing with you like an adult. She is angry, borderline abusive, and treating you like a child. She does not want to understand you. She just wants you to stop being autistic so she can have the relationship she wants.

Are you happy with this relationship? If somebody treated me like that for long enough, I'd probably decide I could be happier alone.

It's easy to paint yourself as the innocent party and your OH as a terrible human being through a series of carefully selected texts. How true that picture is, I really cannot say.

Yes you can't help being ASD, but she can't help being NT either. So you're both going to have to put equal amounts of effort into compromising. You can't change who you are, but you can both work on how you communicate, how you avoid trouble in the first place, better ways of doing things etc. etc.

Yes she needs to understand the Autism better, but mainly so she can understand that not everything you do, is done out of deliberate malice. NOT so she can attempt to 'fix' you, because that won't work. One of the key things is we're often outwardly quite cold and have delayed emotional responses, which NTs take personally. The most helpful thing of all, in my experience, is to be asked why I'm doing something, and how I really feel about it, and whether I'd intended to come across as insensitive / distant / mean, and what's actually bothering me. Even better if it comes with a time slot to weigh up my answer properly before giving it. "You're ignoring me, and I feel left out, what's going on in your head? Anything I can help with? Have a think about it, and let me know. If you can't face a conversation write me a note." That really helps compared to shouting and sweary texts.

At the same time you also need to get on top of the peaks and troughs in how you're feeling, and plan ahead. Above all else, volunteer emotional information. "I had a s**t day at work and I feel really overloaded, I need to go and hide for a bit, I am not avoiding you to be mean, I love you and I don't want to end up arguing over something stupid because I'm stressed out and defensive".

Manage your own stress levels through meditation, yoga, exercise, listening to music.... whatever works for you. Eat well. Get plenty of sunlight. Learn that it's ok to not sweat every single detail. Ask for information so you can prioritise tasks. Get plenty of sleep. Make sure she understands there's only so much energy stored in your friends and family energy bank each week. Don't over-promise.

It is a series of constant adjustments and at first the changes could be huge, but obviously the further you go with this the smaller and more trivial they should be.

I'd strongly recommend couples therapy as well.

If none of that works, then actually she's probably more of a cause of stress than a good companion and I'd seriously consider walking away. At the moment it sounds like she's in denial over your diagnosis. But then ASD very often causes anxiety, and anxiety often causes over-thinking, arguments and control freakery, so you do need to work out whether you're being unreasonable here too.

It's always tricky, I'm forever trying to remember to ask myself, "Will anything good happen as a result of me saying this?" before I open my mouth. Especially when I'm stressed.

Another thing is not to rely on each other 100%. Dealing with Autism can be tough and you both need other people to talk to and lean on, from time to time. Anxiety and depression are the same. Spread the impact out a bit!!

Whoa. Red flag for verbal abuse from your partner.

There's no reason to say your partner is 'f*****g terrible at being a partner'. That's not a healthy or mature way to handle a disagreement with someone, particularly someone you are supposed to love and care for.

Wearing earmuffs or earplugs is a reasonable accommodation for sensory issues. Asking your partner to speak more quietly at times is a reasonable accommodation too, particularly if you are in sensory overload or trying to concentrate. NTs ask for this as well. It wouldn't be appropriate for you to ask her to 'f*****g shut up', but that doesn't seem to be what's happening here.

If she asks you 'Why' you said a comment that she perceived as hurtful, and then doesn't want to hear your justification or explanation for your comment, then she is not good at communicating during disagreements.

It is true that ASD sometimes results in social friction, even very rude and inappropriate behavior. To compensate for my own tendency to be harsh or blunt, I try to speak slower and in a more considered way. I also try to back away from a verbal argument and return to it when I am not as emotional, rather than lash out and say something hurtful. De-escalation is really important to me. Taking some time during a verbal argument to say, 'I need some time to cool down and will come back to this conversation when I am ready,' then going into an empty room to decompress, can help. I also try to avoid arguing in public or in front of other people.

It seems that you and your partner may be fundamentally emotionally incompatible. I have had this experience with a few of my close friendships and romantic relationships in the past. There may be no way to 'heal' this relational pattern - she may just need a partner who is as loud, emotional, and fast-talking as she is, whereas you may need to spend time with someone who has patience and a high level of emotional intelligence.

A trusted third party, such as a couple's therapist, may be able to sit with the two of you in a more neutral setting to discuss how and why these disagreements keep happening. This may take some of the pressure off trying to 'schedule' times to talk about these arguments during the week. However, your partner would need to agree to this. A couple's therapist can observe you both and resist the urge to take sides, whereas a friend might be biased to sympathize with one of you.

You may also want to schedule 1 on 1 counseling or therapy for yourself, in order to come to terms with your diagnosis and how it has affected your life. ASD isn't an 'excuse', nor should you be made to feel bad about yourself for being autistic, for talking about your interests, or for expressing your sensory needs. If you do go this route, try to find a therapist who specializes in working with autistic adults or late-diagnosed autistics as they will have more experience with your unique situation. Many therapists also offer appointments online if you can't find an ASD-friendly therapist in your area.

I have no idea what she's like in real life. I can tell from your quotes that she's very angry, but I don't know if she tends to get angry easily or if this has built for a long time. It seems like the latter, but I don't know.

She's telling you that each time she complains, you won't just listen and let her get it out. That you either tell her she's too loud or try explaining something so she stops complaining, instead of listening. She feels that you expect her to listen to you complain, but she doesn't get to complain to you. She thinks you use Autism as an excuse to do things like this, but that not all Autistic people would do this.

I think your idea to schedule time to talk is really great. Maybe she does like drama and overreacts, as you seem to suggest. It's hard to tell how much is valid anger on her part, and how much is her unwillingness to understand. Sometimes we have to apologize and realize explanations just sound like excuses and fake apologies, even if we don't feel we're wrong.

But, if you're really making the effort to talk and negotiate, and she won't, she might not be for you. Sounds like you're both causing each other a lot of stress. Another way of understanding someone's character is how they handle the world "no." Is she good with boundaries? Do you see a future together? This might relationship might be a good way of seeing what you don't want in one.

I hope I've been helpful in some way.

Have you suggested to her the idea of couples counseling? Have you tried looking around for a couples counselor knowledgeable about adult autism?

If you can tell us approximately where you live, someone here might be able to point you to some resources to find an appropriate couples counselor. (Don't be specific enough to endanger your privacy, but do tell us what country you live in, and, if a large country, what province/state/region and/or nearest major metro area.)

For ND couples counseling, I might suggest training together with a counselor certified in the Imago Relationship Therapy communication technique, "Imago Dialogue." It didn't save my marriage, but our "practices" outside the counseling time, taking turns as sharer-listener really opened my eyes and allowed her to clarify some long standing feelings & viewpoints that I had never quite got over 15 years of marriage.

We only participated for ~6 weeks (and the counselor wasn't fully certified), but my understanding is it is a kind of rules based (good for Aspies!) communication technique, and the it asks the sharer to only use non-judgemental "I" language vs "you".
http://imagoworks.com/the-imago-dialogue/steps/
(There are even flowcharts in the above link!)

e.g. http://imagoworks.com/the-imago-dialogu ... tructions/
5. Use “I” statements

“I” statements are those that begin with the word “I” and describe how you feel and /or need or desire. References to others are made without judgement and/or attribution of motive. ”When you interrupt me, I feel disrespected and dismissed.” Or, “When you don’t call, I start to get scared and angry . . .” “I” statements reduce the blaming caused by “you” statements. (”You don’t care about my feelings . . .” “You make me . . .”) Note: “I think that you . . .”, does not qualify as an “I” statement.


Obviously, cussing the other person out isn't part of this method of healthy dialogue.