Joined: 28 Jan 2020 Age: 26 Gender: Male Posts: 134
26 Dec 2021, 1:04 am
I feel like such a pathetic loser. Even though I currently am unemployed due to health issues from long haul Covid, when I used to work I had a coworker whom I was intensely infatuated with and deeply strongly having a crush on for almost 4 years. To give you an idea how strong my crush on her was is this tidbit: for 4 years when working at my old job I would always check the calendar to see if she works the same shift as me, and I would be deathly terrified working the same shift as hers if I wasn't 100% groomed, well dressed, showered, and looking as nice as possible. I felt so strongly for her and even in love with her that when training at the gym and trying to rep out one more set on the bench press or deadlift just imagining her face and her smile would push me to finish a few more reps than I would otherwise. In all my time training and going to the gym I would always imagine her face and use that push to me train harder and it got me really far, until I stopped training this year due to health issues and severe depression. I haven't seen here in almost a year since I left my job due to health issues caused by long Covid and mental illness getting worse.
Until today.
Today while I was out of the house trying to get myself walking instead of lying in bed depressed and miserable I just happened to run into my crush.
I wish I was dead.
Like seriously ive never felt more embarrassed and wanting to disappear than seeing her today in the state I was in. It was so embarrassing that almost a year after last seeing her when I run into her today im significantly more overnight due to the medicine I was on, as well as looking more unkempt, having worse acne, and overall just looking uglier. I was so flustered I felt like wanting to cry. When she tried to say hi to me I got so awkward and tongue tied that I began to stutter and my face turn red, and before I knew it something like this happened (forward to 2:25):
Deep down I feel so inferior to her and so out of place around her, yet I cant help but feel deeply shy and in love with her. When im around her I dont feel lust, or any base sexual instincts, but a shy blush feeling and deeply enamored with her yet like Im too garbage for me to ever truly have the confidence to ever tell her how I feel.
Whenever I used to work the same shift as her and whenever she'd try to be nice and have a conversation with me id just freeze and become petrified and get awkward
I feel like Hinata Hyuga from Naruto. Heck I practically AM the male version of Hinata Hyuga:
I wish I can finally gain confidence
EDIT: I know im probably going to get some people misconstrue my feelings to her on this post assuming I just feel hormonal or lustful or some weird passing feeling around her that is biological, and I just want to clarify she is the 1st and only woman in my life ive ever met I feel this platonic way towards. With her I feel shy and romantic around her, but I feel to shy to ever tell her how I feel. if anyone wonders why I feel this way towards her more than anyone else it's several things.
Her calm demeanor, graceful elegance, intelligence and knowing several languages, well dressed and very attractive in a beautiful sense rather than sexual sense (like Belle from Beauty and the Beast or Anastasia), as well as being soft spoken and kind and very high class. She is from Lebanon like me so I also feel a closer connection to her because of that shared cultural background
Last edited by DmitriNicholaev on 26 Dec 2021, 1:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
Joined: 9 Jan 2021 Age: 36 Gender: Male Posts: 4,431 Location: Britain
26 Dec 2021, 1:17 am
I can keep my growing feelings in check, reserved for a while, like a week or two, but thats not timid to me, not really. If I like somebody, I will tell them. I've went up to a woman, first time i met them and dropped hints. And basically outright told them i like them. (generally not a good idea lol) 4 years? that's crazy amount of time to hold something back.
_________________ AQ: 27 Diagnosis:High functioning (just on the cusp of normal.) IQ:131 (somewhat inflated result but ego-flattering) DNA:XY Location: UK. Eyes: Blue. Hair: Brown. Height:6'1 Celebrity I most resemble: Tom hardy. Favorite Band: The Doors. Personality: uhhm ....(what can i say...we asd people are strange)
Joined: 28 Jan 2020 Age: 26 Gender: Male Posts: 134
26 Dec 2021, 1:26 am
theprisoner wrote:
I can keep my growing feelings in check, reserved for a while, like a week or two, but thats not timid to me, not really. If I like somebody, I will tell them. I've went up to a woman, first time i met them and dropped hints. And basically outright told them i like them. (generally not a good idea lol) 4 years? that's crazy amount of time to hold something back.
In those 4 years I knew her I never had the confidence to ever talk to her because I dont have the confidence to talk to anyone really. Autism and speech disorders and being ugly in real life it was hard to have any confidence talking in general. Yet despite how much time has passed I never ever felt this feeling towards any women in my life except her.
Joined: 21 Feb 2011 Age: 56 Gender: Male Posts: 36,036
26 Dec 2021, 1:42 am
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
EDIT: I know im probably going to get some weirdos on this post assuming I just feel hormonal or lustful or some weird passing feeling around her that is biological, and I just want to clarify she is the 1st and only woman in my life ive ever met I feel this way towards. With her I feel shy and romantic around her, but I feel to shy to ever tell her how I feel.
Geez! it must be Christmas magnifying everyone's loneliness on this forum. For starters try not to pre-empt people trying to help you by calling them "weirdos"
Secondly in my experience single girls rarely stay single for 4 years. Do you even know if she has a B/f? does she have an inkling you deel this way?
Many many years ago I had the hots for an Italian girl who worked with me who also lived with her mother and I knew she was single. I figured I had a chance but let things go for 12 months. Then out of the blue our co-workers pulled a prank on her (I can't remember what it was). She sat in her chair seething quietly. But all hell broke loose when I said something and she heard me. She then lost her temper at me. She said "of everyone here you were the last person I expected to me make fun of me" and then I was totally dumbfounded and we had a screaming match and we both got hauled into the bosses office.
I was told off but maintained my innocence saying the stupid b***h was pranked by others but said nothing to them but took out all her anger on me when I opened my mouth, I was furious and hated her stupid guts.
Later on the boss (who was also female) took me aside on a quiet day and said the whole reason she was angry at me is because she liked me!! Doh!! Without knowing I burned my bridges with this girl (I said some really nasty things to her).
Joined: 28 Jan 2020 Age: 26 Gender: Male Posts: 134
26 Dec 2021, 1:47 am
cyberdad wrote:
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
EDIT: I know im probably going to get some weirdos on this post assuming I just feel hormonal or lustful or some weird passing feeling around her that is biological, and I just want to clarify she is the 1st and only woman in my life ive ever met I feel this way towards. With her I feel shy and romantic around her, but I feel to shy to ever tell her how I feel.
Geez! it must be Christmas magnifying everyone's loneliness on this forum. For starters try not to pre-empt people trying to help you by calling them "weirdos"
Secondly in my experience single girls rarely stay single for 4 years. Do you even know if she has a B/f? does she have an inkling you deel this way?
Many many years ago I had the hots for an Italian girl who worked with me who also lived with her mother and I knew she was single. I figured I had a chance but let things go for 12 months. Then out of the blue our co-workers pulled a prank on her (I can't remember what it was). She sat in her chair seething quietly. But all hell broke loose when I said something and she heard me. She then lost her temper at me. She said "of everyone here you were the last person I expected to me make fun of me" and then I was totally dumbfounded and we had a screaming match and we both got hauled into the bosses office.
I was told off but maintained my innocence saying the stupid b***h was pranked by others but said nothing to them but took out all her anger on me when I opened my mouth, I was furious and hated her stupid guts.
Later on the boss (who was also female) took me aside on a quiet day and said the whole reason she was angry at me is because she liked me!! Doh!! Without knowing I burned my bridges with this girl (I said some really nasty things to her).
I edited my post and removed the weirdo comment
I know she's single because her friends told me so
I'm sorry you had to deal with that woman you accidentally burned bridges with. At least now you're married judging by your other posts
Joined: 21 Feb 2011 Age: 56 Gender: Male Posts: 36,036
26 Dec 2021, 1:59 am
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
I know she's single because her friends told me so
Why is she still single?
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
I'm sorry you had to deal with that woman you accidentally burned bridges with. At least now you're married judging by your other posts
Yeah thanks, I have lots of stories of failed relationships. But that's the thing, you don't learn unless you experience failure with dating. While there was a certain element of luck in my marriage, my 35 year old self was in a much better place to get into a long term relationship than my 25 year old self who was in need of anger management therapy, alcoholic and thinking the world owed me.
Joined: 28 Jan 2020 Age: 26 Gender: Male Posts: 134
26 Dec 2021, 2:02 am
cyberdad wrote:
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
I know she's single because her friends told me so
Why is she still single?
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
I'm sorry you had to deal with that woman you accidentally burned bridges with. At least now you're married judging by your other posts
Yeah thanks, I have lots of stories of failed relationships. But that's the thing, you don't learn unless you experience failure with dating. While there was a certain element of luck in my marriage, my 35 year old self was in a much better place to get into a long term relationship than my 25 year old self who was in need of anger management therapy, alcoholic and thinking the world owed me.
Considering she's Lebanese like me there is a probability that cultural factors inhibit relationships with guys due to it being frowned upon for girls to date, plus her friends said she wants to get her degree 1st
Joined: 21 Feb 2011 Age: 56 Gender: Male Posts: 36,036
26 Dec 2021, 2:07 am
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
Considering she's Lebanese like me there is a probability that cultural factors inhibit relationships with guys due to it being frowned upon for girls to date, plus her friends said she wants to get her degree 1st
Not to mention her father will likely kill her/you if you make a move? Anglo girls might be more open to dating?
Joined: 28 Jan 2020 Age: 26 Gender: Male Posts: 134
26 Dec 2021, 2:19 am
cyberdad wrote:
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
Considering she's Lebanese like me there is a probability that cultural factors inhibit relationships with guys due to it being frowned upon for girls to date, plus her friends said she wants to get her degree 1st
Not to mention her father will likely kill her/you if you make a move? Anglo girls might be more open to dating?
Ok lets not get too extreme with the outdated caricatures stereotypes. Yes dating is frowned upon in middle eastern culture but dear god there is no risk of anyone being killed that I know of. maybe in other families but not any of the Lebanese ones that I know. Besides Lebanese are like the most secularized and modern of the Middle East countries so we're the last one's to do that honor killing type s**t
but it is true though that its not as easy to fall in love if you're middle eastern than if you were white since our culture still frowns upon dating, especially women dating, so there are some barriers that wouldn't exist for white women
Joined: 21 Feb 2011 Age: 56 Gender: Male Posts: 36,036
26 Dec 2021, 5:08 am
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
Considering she's Lebanese like me there is a probability that cultural factors inhibit relationships with guys due to it being frowned upon for girls to date, plus her friends said she wants to get her degree 1st
Not to mention her father will likely kill her/you if you make a move? Anglo girls might be more open to dating?
Ok lets not get too extreme with the outdated caricatures stereotypes. Yes dating is frowned upon in middle eastern culture but dear god there is no risk of anyone being killed that I know of. maybe in other families but not any of the Lebanese ones that I know. Besides Lebanese are like the most secularized and modern of the Middle East countries so we're the last one's to do that honor killing type s**t
but it is true though that its not as easy to fall in love if you're middle eastern than if you were white since our culture still frowns upon dating, especially women dating, so there are some barriers that wouldn't exist for white women
Don't worry, I was being "tongue in cheek", BTW Honour killings are also common among pakistanis, Indians and many Africans so the practice might have been more prevalent in the general region and not specific to a particular group.
I ma not sure if you know but there is huge lebanese community in Melbourne and Sydney, They are completely assimilated. Every Lebanese guy I went to school with dated Anglos and frankly speaking the girls found their "bad boy" image a big attraction.
Joined: 28 Jan 2020 Age: 26 Gender: Male Posts: 134
26 Dec 2021, 5:20 am
cyberdad wrote:
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
Considering she's Lebanese like me there is a probability that cultural factors inhibit relationships with guys due to it being frowned upon for girls to date, plus her friends said she wants to get her degree 1st
Not to mention her father will likely kill her/you if you make a move? Anglo girls might be more open to dating?
Ok lets not get too extreme with the outdated caricatures stereotypes. Yes dating is frowned upon in middle eastern culture but dear god there is no risk of anyone being killed that I know of. maybe in other families but not any of the Lebanese ones that I know. Besides Lebanese are like the most secularized and modern of the Middle East countries so we're the last one's to do that honor killing type s**t
but it is true though that its not as easy to fall in love if you're middle eastern than if you were white since our culture still frowns upon dating, especially women dating, so there are some barriers that wouldn't exist for white women
Don't worry, I was being "tongue in cheek", BTW Honour killings are also common among pakistanis, Indians and many Africans so the practice might have been more prevalent in the general region and not specific to a particular group.
I ma not sure if you know but there is huge lebanese community in Melbourne and Sydney, They are completely assimilated. Every Lebanese guy I went to school with dated Anglos and frankly speaking the girls found their "bad boy" image a big attraction.
Oh ok sorry for misunderstanding. You know what with this being an autism forum sarcasm may at times not be my strong suit
Us Lebanese are chill people and are modern and assimilative, but even we have our cultural norms. Some Lebanese are more modern, but even then in our community dating is still more restrictive
Joined: 27 Jan 2015 Age: 62 Gender: Male Posts: 146 Location: UK
27 Dec 2021, 3:55 am
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
I feel like such a pathetic loser. Even though I currently am unemployed due to health issues from long haul Covid, when I used to work I had a coworker whom I was intensely infatuated with and deeply strongly having a crush on for almost 4 years. To give you an idea how strong my crush on her was is this tidbit: for 4 years when working at my old job I would always check the calendar to see if she works the same shift as me, and I would be deathly terrified working the same shift as hers if I wasn't 100% groomed, well dressed, showered, and looking as nice as possible. I felt so strongly for her and even in love with her that when training at the gym and trying to rep out one more set on the bench press or deadlift just imagining her face and her smile would push me to finish a few more reps than I would otherwise. In all my time training and going to the gym I would always imagine her face and use that push to me train harder and it got me really far, until I stopped training this year due to health issues and severe depression. I haven't seen here in almost a year since I left my job due to health issues caused by long Covid and mental illness getting worse.
Until today.
Today while I was out of the house trying to get myself walking instead of lying in bed depressed and miserable I just happened to run into my crush.
I wish I was dead.
Like seriously ive never felt more embarrassed and wanting to disappear than seeing her today in the state I was in. It was so embarrassing that almost a year after last seeing her when I run into her today im significantly more overnight due to the medicine I was on, as well as looking more unkempt, having worse acne, and overall just looking uglier. I was so flustered I felt like wanting to cry. When she tried to say hi to me I got so awkward and tongue tied that I began to stutter and my face turn red, and before I knew it something like this happened (forward to 2:25):
Deep down I feel so inferior to her and so out of place around her, yet I cant help but feel deeply shy and in love with her. When im around her I dont feel lust, or any base sexual instincts, but a shy blush feeling and deeply enamored with her yet like Im too garbage for me to ever truly have the confidence to ever tell her how I feel.
Whenever I used to work the same shift as her and whenever she'd try to be nice and have a conversation with me id just freeze and become petrified and get awkward
I feel like Hinata Hyuga from Naruto. Heck I practically AM the male version of Hinata Hyuga:
I wish I can finally gain confidence
EDIT: I know im probably going to get some people misconstrue my feelings to her on this post assuming I just feel hormonal or lustful or some weird passing feeling around her that is biological, and I just want to clarify she is the 1st and only woman in my life ive ever met I feel this platonic way towards. With her I feel shy and romantic around her, but I feel to shy to ever tell her how I feel. if anyone wonders why I feel this way towards her more than anyone else it's several things.
Her calm demeanor, graceful elegance, intelligence and knowing several languages, well dressed and very attractive in a beautiful sense rather than sexual sense (like Belle from Beauty and the Beast or Anastasia), as well as being soft spoken and kind and very high class. She is from Lebanon like me so I also feel a closer connection to her because of that shared cultural background
this describes pretty much the way I have always felt around any female I have ever been attracted to from when I was a teenager to my present middle age; unfortunately the rule seems to be that the more interested I am in the person then the more strongly this stuff happens, it is very debilitating and unfortunately has caused me huge amounts of pain and loneliness as to be honest I have never found a way to get beyond it and I know I have missed out on numerous opportunities for relationship because of it
when I am around someone who I like in that way I become practically a zombie and cannot express who I am hardly at all and in the cases where the person has been interested in me also they mostly have given up and decided that I either wasn't interested in them or that I am just weird, it has blighted my life to be honest, it's hard to find positives in it but at least I've had plenty of time over the years to pursue my interests and have created lots of stuff that I probably would never have done had I been engaged in relationships but whether at this stage I can say that that is adequate compensation for a life I might have lived is a hard call
it doesn't just happen in the romantic field either, it happens with anyone who is in some sort of position to offer me something that I want by way of validation or approval or acceptance so it could be bosses or somebody in some kind of authority in an organisation or just someone socially who for some reason I have subconsciously put into that position
basically I think I have a high degree of social anxiety which explains why I am now approaching my 60th birthday as a practical recluse with no friends or relationships and now in my third decade without sex
Lebanese of which community? because it's not a heterogenous culture at all. (ie. I've noticed that Muslim Lebanese in Australia are often by far more conservative/radical communities than their country of origin, hijab seems to be standard for almost every female in those communities while here it's not the case), Lebanese Australians, at least the first generation also tend to have a mentality which is still stuck in "the civil war era" regarding their relationship/attitude toward Lebanese of other sects. Frankly it's among the most closed-minded and poorly assimilated into their host country expat Lebanese communities I've ever seen, I don't know why. (Lebanese Europeans for instance are the striking opposite).
Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 27 Dec 2021, 5:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
Joined: 28 Jan 2020 Age: 26 Gender: Male Posts: 134
27 Dec 2021, 5:24 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Lebanese of which community? because it's not a heterogenous culture at all. (ie. I've noticed that Muslim Lebanese in Australia are often by far more conservative/radical communities than their country of origin, hijab seems to be standard for almost every female in those communities while here it's not the case), Lebanese Australians, at least the first generation also tend to have a mentality which is still stuck in "the civil war era" regarding their relationship/attitude toward Lebanese of other sects. Frankly it's the most closed-minded and poorly assimilated into their host country expat Lebanese communities I've ever seen, I don't know why. (Lebanese-Africans for instance are the striking opposite, especially in the former french colonies).
My family is mixed Lebanese-Palestinian, but my Lebanese side comes from Amioun and are of strong Greek Christian background, while my Palestinian side are more conservative Muslims. Either way both my Christian side and Muslim side of the family abhor dating for women so its like that
26 Dec 2021, 1:04 am
