To those who met partners on WP or other autistic forums

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There are at least a few people on Wrong Planet who have said they met their partners here on WP, or in other autistic community forums.

If you are such a person: Perhaps you could help other people here by sharing, in as much specific detail as you feel comfortable sharing, exactly how you went about connecting with your partner? Also, is there any advice you would have for anyone considering this possibility for themselves?

(Note: I'm NOT seeking advice for myself personally. I'm in a longterm relationship with a partner who has lived with me for 10 years. But I've recently suggested to a few men here that they be open to the possibility of finding someone here on WP. On the other hand, here and in subsequent posts in a thread in the "Adult Autism Issues" section, I've also talked about some of the pitfalls of seeking a partner here or in other autistic community forums.)

I've had a handful of dates and relationships with members on here in the past, but they never worked out.

I was a lot more immature and at times incorrigible. A lot of things I wish I didn't do or say.

I've learned from all of that, and have mostly grown up for the best.

I briefly connected with a person on WP. Even though they were very interesting, differences in our lifestyles very quickly ended things.

a WP woman almost literally fell into my lap. a decade earlier, ex-gf met me on WP. i was utterly gobsmacked that such a thing could happen after long ago resigning myself to singletonhood until i pushed up the daisies. like john lennon said, "life is what happens when you've made other plans." anyways, this gorgeous person drove over a thousand miles to see me, but when she finally met me though, [after a brief "honeymoon" period where i pinched myself many times] it quickly deteriorated. my ADHD [among other things] drove her to distraction. seems my writing was more attractive than i was/am. i did meet many great penpals here, though.

That’s why it is a very bad idea to go for blind dates like that - with no video interaction. It is a huge waste of time.

Usually the women can connect to texts more than men (and that’s why 84% of romance readers are women), and often women feel disappointed once meeting up this person in flesh - your story is very typical in the early internet age when two chatted for so long but the video communication was still primitive: man still found the woman gorgeous after meeting her up but the woman found out instantly that she doesn’t find him attractive. It was usually 90% this case, not the other way around.


Guys, listen, don’t do this - even if you chat with someone for x years and they say they like you, if they don’t find you attractive in person on the first meetup, it doesn’t matter how many weeks or months or even years you chatted before.

I met my 2nd & then my current girlfriend on this forum. I've posted aLOT about being lonely & wanting a relationship but I posted a lot on WP about other things as well & I replied to lots of various posts. My 2nd girlfriend replied to one of my posts about wanting companionship & she said she was wanting something similar. After we both made a couple posts in the thread talking to each other, I asked if I could PM her. We chatted a lot & we quickly got in a relationship. The relationship was long distance but we did meet up in person. I felt trapped living with my parents & I hated the area & I was & still am unemployed due to being disabled so I was very willing to relocate for a relationship & I did talk about that a bit. We chatted aLOT about lots of things. I have various physical & mental disabilities that I talked about a lot & she was in college & wanted to train service dogs for disabilities like autism. She was taking some courses related to disability issues. On a subconscious level she probably saw me as something of a special project.

She was a lot younger than me. I was 28 & she was 19 but it felt like she was a ways ahead of me or at least wanted to be at a higher level than I could ever be. She was also trying to figure herself out. It was probably nice at 1st for her to have someone she could talk to about all that instead of just posting on WP. Some of the things she was figuring out made us incompatible in some major ways. We also would not of been able to spend much time together in person probably till after she graduated college due to her being dependent on her parents financially & her parents were traditional & wanted our relationship on their terms.

Being long distance was very stressful, especially for me. My personality within a romantic relationship is kinda opposite of the stereotypical Aspie, I love being affectionate & spending LOTS of time with my partner & I'm also clingy & needy. Her personality within a relationship was more like the stereotypical Aspie's, she liked having some space & had a high desire to become more independent with things whereas I'm dependent. This stuff caused my anxiety & OCD to become very BAD & I became very unstable & controlling & demanding. I realized my BAD anxiety & BAD OCD had caused me to f#ck up my 1st relationship as well(1st was not on the spectrum but had some other issues so I'm not saying much about that relationship) & I saw a repeat in my 2nd relationship. I researched meds some & got on a med for my anxiety & another for my OCD which helped a lot but the progress was kinda too little too late & she broke up with me & looking back I'm sure she made the right decision for herself.


Very shortly after my 2nd relationship ended, my current girlfriend sent me a message after reading a lot of my posts for a bit. Cass joined this forum to learn more about her brother who's been diagnosed with Aspergers since he was little & Cass started realizing she might be on the spectrum as well. Like me Cass has various physical & mental disabilities. I had posted a lot about what I was wanting in a relationship & what I felt I had to offer a partner. I'd much rather be with someone who has issues & problems because that's more relatable to me & being supportive within a relationship is kinda the main thing I have to offer thou I don't go about it the typical NT way.

I had a mental breakdown after my 1st relationship ended when I was about 21 & I tried working on myself in various ways. I also know it would of been a huge help to me if I woulda had someone emotionally close who was there for me. I knew I still had lots of problems but I believed that getting in an interdependent/symbiotic relationship where we would support each other as well as trying to take care of ourselves would make some of my problems easier to manage & I was right thou things were NOT easy at times(or lots of times) & I had to work on myself a lot too & still do.

Our relationship was long distance at 1st, I lived in Louisiana & Cass lived in Vermont. Me & Cass met up a few times before moving in together 8 months after she 1st messaged me & we spent a couple weeks together at a time. Plus we chatted about things aLOT when we were apart. Cass is very close with her family(I was never close with mine) but they never really got involved with our relationship. Cass mostly uses em as a sounding board to complain & they don't interfere. Cass is about half a year older than me & it feels like we're kinda on the same level with things. Like me she's disabled but she's on different benefits than me including housing assistance. She lived alone for about a year & could not handle it. Her anxiety & depression are worse when she's alone for an extended period of time. She's dependent & kinda clingy & needy so we're a good match in lots of ways. She actually doesn't get why other women were not attracted to me. We both find each other easier to be with than most anyone else would.


I guess my advice for others wanting a relationship with another autistic would be to take things on an individual case by case basis. Autism is a spectrum & two Aspies could be very similar or very different from each other. Also weather you want an Aspie or an NT partner, try to have reasonable standards for a partner instead of demanding they meet a laundry list of criteria & automatically ruling out most people without giving them half a chance. It also helps to try & figure out your strengths & attractive qualities. Even if lots of others are turned off by them, someone else may like em or at least not be bothered by em. Try to look at things from a marketing perspective, it helps to know how to market yourself to right person who would be interested.

futility.

@The_Face_of_Boo

Agreed!!

sad, humans are so disappointing.

How do you know that the man's physical appearance was the issue, rather than the woman's impressions of his personality?

After all, many people's personality online differs quite a bit from their in-person personality. So it's highly likely that there would be surprises in this regard.

I'm skeptical of your claim that the man's physical appearance was the main issue, for 2 reasons:

1) Even if they didn't do video chat back then, didn't they at least exchange photos before they met?

2) Women, at least once they are past their early twenties or so, just aren't usually anywhere nearly as obsessed with men's looks as men tend to be with women's looks. So it's highly unlikely that there would be a 10-to-1 ratio of women rejecting men purely for appearance-based reasons rather than vice versa.

On the other hand, it does seem to me that women might be more likely than men to reject someone whose in-person personality turns out to be different from what was expected. I would also expect such rejections to be all the more likely if the man is an Aspie -- and I would expect Aspies to have been over-represented among men who did online dating back in the early Internet days.