Realisations About My Romantic Situation

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I think major confidence issues and low self-esteem are really holding me back from being able to date. While it's true that not having many avenues to meet women through is also a problem, I'm not taking full advantage of the ones that exist, because I can't conceive of someone actually wanting to date me. Whether that feeling reflects reality or not, the experiences (or lack thereof) I've had up until this point have embedded that belief in me, so that's how I end up behaving. 


Not having an avenue through which to satisfy my romantic or sexual needs with another person means that when my mind is confronted with the topics of romance or sex (which is often), my unfulfilled desires, feelings of inadequacy and lack of age-appropriate experiences start to surface and dominate my thoughts, in turn causing me to feel depressed. 


What's more is that, in general, I tend to ruminate about unresolved issues that matter to me until I'm either distracted or get closure/a resolution for them. This is the ultimate important issue, and there's no closure for it. Even if I can successfully distract myself in one moment, it only lasts until the inevitable next trigger. 


This is why I sometimes say drastic things. I don't want to be dealing with this anymore. I've been dealing with this for so long, and it feels like there's just no way out. It's so frustrating and alienating watching most people experience pleasure as a result of their desire for romance, whereas mine is instead a source of immense grief and pain. 


I think the best way forward is for me to get to work fixing insecurities that are within my control to fix. When I've got some momentum there, I need to really focus on putting myself out there more, working my atrophied socialising muscles and building up my social confidence. Hopefully by doing all of that, I'll be able to improve my odds enough that I can actually start dating. 


The big problem that I don't have the answer to is how I cope emotionally with my situation, the ruminating, and the triggers right now. I'm trying to take measures to boost my confidence, but that's very difficult to achieve when I'm frequently being hit with an emotional sledgehammer comprised of thoughts and reminders of romance, and my inability to experience it. 


The only way I've ever been able to achieve any kind of relief from these feelings is by having somebody to talk to online who has some kind of romantic interest in me. This type of interaction offers me something positive to focus on with regards to romance, and in so doing, helps me weather the emotional storm that arises when the topic of romance presents itself in my mind. I don't think anything short of some sort of ongoing gratifying interaction with a woman will be enough to grant me some relief from these negative feelings I have about my situation. 


It's very important that I find a way to stop feeling this way. I can't lead an enjoyable life so long as I keep feeling this way, and if a generally enjoyable life, and experiences that are extremely important are off the table for me, I don't see a compelling reason to continue living.

Yes, very simplistic advice….but:

Part of your recovery, I believe, will occur once you are able to derive pleasure from non-romantic sources.

My ability to derive pleasure from non-romantic sources enabled me to succeed in romantic contexts.

Many people do not have “age-appropriate” romantic experiences, yet are able to “catch up” once they found some romance.

Many women and men aren’t exactly “optimal” in bed. Most believe there are important romantic things which occur beyond the bedroom.

Get yourself a mail order bride. They're happy to escape poverty while you're happy to finally get a loving partner and get laid too. It's a win-win situation.

Good to pinpoint problem areas to work on.



Good thing to acknowledge. The avenues that do exist ought to be utilized.


This was a major key to me for learning to manage depression. Telling myself that my feelings do not equal reality. It is very counterintuitive, but once you grasp onto it, it becomes possible to drill it into your mind.



Excellent plan of action. Focusing on what is within your control will give you concrete improvements.



This can be difficult, but it usually gets easier over time. Don't feel discouraged.



Fantastic. Keep doing this. It takes a long time, but eventually it will start to improve.

Changing mindset is a long haul exercise, it takes more repetition and time than even muscle building it seems. But it is doable.



This might sound insane, but you could try "inventing" an imaginary girlfriend as an outlet for these emotions? I mean for yourself personally, not to let anyone else know about this behavior. But imagine the nice things she says to you and how she touches you. As a form of emotional healing.

I think you have some very good points. I wish you all the best

Thank you.

I appreciate your out-of-the-box thinking, but I guess ultimately what I want is to feel wanted, and with something that is entirely a fantasy, knowing that there's nobody taking any kind of a genuine interest in me makes it feel pretty empty. Also, fantasising sometimes makes me feel worse about not being able to get the real thing.

A handful of times throughout my life, I've been able to cultivate a flirty penpal sort of connection online with somebody who actually seemed interested in me. Connections like that have been helpful and validating. It's kind of like the imaginary girlfriend you were talking about, in that I'm only getting to imagine being with someone, but knowing that there's a real person with real feelings behind it all is much more fulfilling, and having someone to talk to frequently in that way, and in general adds to the fulfilment of it all and keeps reinforcing the idea that someone can actually be interested in me.

If I could find something like that again, that would be very helpful, but I'm not having much luck with that.

Non-romantic sources of pleasure exist. They just don't negate the pain inflicted upon me by my unmet romantic desires.


This is true, but there also seem to be many on this forum who've scarcely or never gotten to date at all, despite being many years older than even I am. Knowing that that's a possible outcome I could face is very worrying.

Is that what you're planning to do?

Seriously considering this due to the Ukraine crisis

I'd only go the mail order bride route if you're 35+ and have tried EVERYTHING and nothing has worked, you probably need to be fairly financially stable as well.