What might have been

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When I was in college in my early 20s I still had the brainwashing from my religious indoctrination stuck in my head. I did not start my journey of breaking away from religion until the year after I graduated.

So I thought that shouldn't have any sex before marriage and that instead of dating I needed to find a "proper" woman to marry.

I was a Muslim, but I was mostly comfortable with Christians. I don't know how much they have gotten in the way of meeting non-religious ladies who wanted to have sex.

I also went to a small liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere; and perhaps things would have played out differently if I was in a bigger and more diverse area instead. Who knows.

It was the year after I graduated from college that I started to seriously question religion. But by that point two very big changes had occurred: I had already gone through a very toxic and abusive relationship that had left me extremely damaged, and now it was much more difficult to meet people in general and single women in particular. At that point, work was almost exclusively my only avenue for meeting people and making friends, and I met only two or three unmarried women in an entire year.

On the extremely rare occasions when I've met a woman I liked that wasn't already taken, I was rejected and/or friend zoned every time. And on the even rarer ocassions that someone seemed interested in me (only two or three times in the past ten years) it was always someone I wanted to avoid at all costs.

Its too late now. I'm 40 years old and have not touched a woman in over a decade. I figure that if it was possible, something would've happened by now even if it didn't last in the long term. Plus all the damage from the abuse I've endured has already been done and I'm too dysfunctional for a relationship even if there was someone interested.

I wonder how my life might be different if I was in a different place in my early 20s, but I guess its pointless now.

Find somebody just like you. And hope they're not too picky.

I've met several women I have things in common with. And I was rejected by all of them.

Those are typically the ones the that "like me as a friend".

You left this out of your previous posts. Aren't your family able to organise a marriage for you?

No they can't. I can't go to Libya because I'm not a Libyan citizen and do not have any legal status there.

More importantly, Muslim women are forbidden from marrying non-Muslim men.

I'm sorry that you feel like you missed out and feel sad now.

There has been some good advice on your threads. I hope that you can find some happiness somewhere in life soon

I doubt it.

Just pretend, pray 5 times a day, it's not a big deal. You can then have a wife.

I'm sure there will be sexy black women who are into that.

Into what?

Islam is a much bigger commitment than just 5 prayers a day. There are times of the year when you can't eat or even drink water all day. You're expected to live your whole life according to a very specific set of rules that govern every moment of your life. They tell what you can and can't eat. Who you can and can't be friends with. You can't take out any loan that you'll have to pay interest on; that means no student loans, mortgages, car loans. Nothing. How can someone ever get ahead in life like that? You're not even allowed to listen to music. Even dictates every detail of how to go to the bathroom: you have to walk into the bathroom a certain way, recite a specific prayer, and you're not allowed to pee standing.

Then there's all the homophobia and antisemitism.

As for getting married, you have to commit to marrying someone before you're even allowed to talk to her.

And I refuse to spend the rest of my life living a lie regardless.

Totally not worth it.

But after marriage you can do what you like right? in Libyan culture wife obeys husband?

Islam.

There seems to be a small percentage of people who are something in it, but not any more so than other religions like Wicca or Bhudism.

Anyway, as an ex-Muslim I'm very much not "into Islam". So I don't see what this has to so with me.

You continue to suffer abuse from yourself - see the first couple bolded bits.

Can't change the past, you don't live there - you can only change your present moment, ever, which in turn will alter the course of your future. You're 40, not dead. Get to work on changing things for the better.

Everyone knows that never getting laid is synonymous with being a loser.

If it was possible for any woman to ever love me, somebody would have seen something in me by now.

The fact is that I will always be alone and unwanted. No woman ever has or ever will want to be with me because I'm a goddamned freak.