NT hoping for some feedback from the community : )

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Hello,

Thank you so much in advance for any feedback you might be able to offer. I wasn't sure where to turn to help me understand a new experience I'm having, and I found this wonderful website. I hope it is okay that I am posting this.

I met a man online almost 2 months ago. He is a doctor in Mexico and I am a teacher in Canada. I am NT and he has shared that he is an Aspie. He is so funny and smart and interesting and deeply creative. I adore chatting with him. We have chatted every day for the past 7 weeks - sometimes multiple times a day. He initiates texts and I initiate texts...it feels pretty balanced. I feel as though I am developing romantic feelings for him, but I have no real clue how he feels. Because of a painful heartbreak a year ago, I am feeling pretty vulnerable and am afraid to broach the subject. We have had some sexy conversations and shared some photos - the experiences have been lovely. There are certainly differences I have observed between the NT men I have dated and B., but I feel comfortable with the differences. I know you can't know just from what I've written if he "likes" me romantically, but is it possible that he only likes me as a friend? I feel like a silly teenager : ( I'm 27 and he is 25. He has only had one girlfriend and it wasn't for very long. Anyway...I guess I just needed to share...I really think he is special. Thank you for listening : )

Do you like him as a friend? If there was romance, how would it work? If you have a mental picture of it, go for it. Otherwise, it can cost you a friend.

If you do want it, I'd say don't let it linger and get boring. Talk face to face on camera, at least part of the time. Is there an activity you could do together?

Many are shy, so he could be a bit cryptic. Valentine's day was a good time to see interest.

Here's an idea, even though it sounds terrible, you could subtly bait him by describing romantic gestures you like as a part of some discussion. If he later does the things you like to please you, that would be a sign.

Love is energizing. Love is wondrous. Love is uplifting. Love is fulfilling. Love is complex. Love is mysterious. Love is scary. Love is off-putting.
And often all at the same time.
And even more often, "some of the above" all at the same time.

The only person I have anything which even somewhat resembles accurate data about what it is like being an autistic guy and having relationship is me, and sometimes even that data might be a bit sketchy.

As for me, I would happily respond to a direct question.

Can remember in 1990s asking Kathy (we are no longer together) one afternoon as we drove past Dairy Queen and the railroad tracks in our midwestern town, "All this stuff we go do together, are we dating?"
We decided that, well, ya know what, if all we have to go on is the available evidence, yep, we sure seem to be dating!
We laughed about that conversation for years.
And I am right now while remembering it.

Just imagining scenarios if someone asked me about what kind of relationship do we have & and do we want friendship or romance; and what kind of either given one do we want?

Do we want just a plain friendship?
Do we want a flirty friendship?
Do we want to develop a romantic love relationship?

I'm the kind of person where I would answer those mostly matter-of-factly.

At that transcontinental distance I can imagine answering with a thing like,
"Well, two thoughts come to mind at the same time: I can say with certainty that the concept of having that romantic relationship is greatly appealing. What I say with a lot of uncertainty is, is a romantic relationship at all practical in our situation?"

And then I would want to have conversation working out how to do the do-ing of a romantic relationship at distance if we were to decide to go that route.

And ...

I can imagine receiving the question and my brain going totally blank in regard to it, if it did I would tell ya it did via something like, ""Oh. Umm ... my brain can't answer that right now. I know that looks bad but that sometimes happens with questions and autistic brains. In using that time dishonored phrase, "I'm going to have to get back to you on that", I really am going to have to get back to you on that!

My brain/mind/heart/spirit may or may not get voiced that there are a whole bunch, a Niagra Falls, of things they have to look at and ponder before I can formulate any kind of comprehendable answer to give the asker.
Because I first have to formulate my own comprehension of the matter!
And that kind of thing can feel overwhelming at times.

Well, for whatever sense all that makes or doesn't make, and for whatever applicability it has or doesn't have, there it is.

Asked him if he has a zombie plan? Discuss the details with him and slowly work your zombie plan into his plan making a together plan. Or ask him where do you fit into his zombie plan or could you join him. Wait, that’s my daydream….nevermind.

Why not talk to him about it? Find the right moment and tell him what you want work as a team. How you would like to progress. Go slow if you want, kinda push a little, wait, and see the reaction. If he is aspie, then you both will need to start communicating on a different level than a NT. Just understand, if it’s hard for you to talk, it probably the same for him, just amp’d to 11. For me to start this talk would take a megablast, I would have to rehearse and then it always came out as fake.

Thank you very much for your replies. I appreciate it : ) He is considering moving to my area to work as a doctor. One of the things I have observed that might be a difference between an NT and an Aspie (still learning and am not sure?) is that he is not really romantic at all. He has mentioned that he likes holding hands and kissing...he seems to also be very affectionate in terms of liking cuddles. He has shared that he detests the notion of love letters - he sees them as silly, for he adamantly believes that every day loyalty and interactions are the true measure of love and commitment. He only uses demonstrative words like "beautiful", "gorgeous", "you're amazing" during sexy chats...not ever during our regular chats. He wished me Happy Valentines Day, but it was not in the context of any type of romantic anything. In fact we had a good chat about how silly we both think conventional romantic movies are...and talked about cinematic love stories that had meaning for each of us. With regard to the suggestion about seeing if he will carry out romantic ideas I like...I don't think that would fly...he tends to react strongly to feeling as though someone might be trying to "trick" him into the doing something. I have only ever asked him once to change something he was doing that didn't feel good to me (he would oftentimes not acknowledge a photo or link I had shared with him). After I mentioned it, he complied. I read on another site that someone with Asperger's would never talk every day to someone they didn't feel compelled to chat with for good reason. I'm not sure if that is true? Sigh. Do you think he would be having sexy chats with me if he only liked me as a friend? I so appreciate your thoughtful and insightful responses. Thank you (((hugs)))

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my post. I appreciate your time and your thoughts
and will consider everything shared : )

ps - he was considering moving to the Toronto area to practice medicine before we met - he has
always loved Canada : )

He's kinda oblivious to being romantic and making you feel special, way too statistical. Even if he enjoys interaction with you and possibly you offer him comfort to going there at this time, he didn't take the time to affirm it.

What a drag he is, lol. Reminds me of some exes. Can you imagine being in a relationship with a man who when asked why he's moving to Toronto he says he's wanted to before he met you, insists it has nothing to do with you but you know he's crazy about you. But then you start doubting how he really feels every time he talks like that.

Some people may change but some might not, you might need to live with this, if things ever pick up, which I think they might.

He has an issue with paying attention to links or switching convo to them, which is rude to do with anyone and it's good he's working on it. Resistance to change but not in these aspects. You are very tolerant of him, you must truly like him. He better truly like you too lol

Real life relationships might be healthier and easier, so good luck, seems like you're about to have way more interactions like those given he's moving, but real. [I am under no circumstances undermining the importance and power of online relations]

It's very obvious to me he has no reason to abstain from talking excessively about romance and doesn't feel uncomfortable doing it with you. If he's not hiding anything, and he seems to plan to get closer and want you to know I think he's interested in you, and even signaling and accepting it.

The thing that would concern me is whether or not he can satisfy your need of romantic attention in the ways you best receive it, but at the same time I'm not forgetting he openly talks about romance with you considerably. If he can make it personal to you I think that would be good.

I'm surprised you know about his diagnosis. I don't think it'd be something to tell someone whom he doesn't plan to be around for long.

Maybe tell him you feel like you've grown closer to him.

_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner. x

Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.

I'm not a very cynical person at all. But I do wonder:

Are you 100% certain he is a doctor?

I can certainly understand that you have the utmost confidence in him; and you know him better than I do, obviously.

How exactly is he gonna pull off moving to Canada? Is he in US?

To my knowledge it requires general knowledge tests and other papers, but it's not a bad route at all.

Does he have plans for a job there? He's probably saving up?

_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner. x

Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.

If he is a doctor, it just might not be difficult at all for him to be able to move to Canada----especially in an area of Canada that is short of doctors.

There is a website, known as Canadavisa.org, which has details about how a foreign physician can obtain residency in Canada.

Forgive me for asking but why are you looking at men from Mexico? Did he contact you first?

You are a young woman. Why spend the best the years of your life trying to make a long distance relationship happen?

I hope I’m not being too much of a downer here, but I’m concerned that you mentioned sexy chats and photos. You really don’t know this person. Please be careful! It’s really hard to tell what someone is about long distance.

Tbh, I just make it a policy to nit share any photos with anybody. It’s high risk and low reward.