Being ghosted

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I am 30, turning 31 in a couple weeks, and I have never been in a relationship before. Though I came close a few times.

One of those times I came with the closest was when I was taking a psychology class six years ago. And in this class there was a very attractive girl, who was two years younger than me. I decided to strike up a conversation with the female and I Decided to ask her what her major was.

She told me that her major was special education.

I asked her why she was majoring in special education and she told me that was because she had an autistic younger brother and she really cared for him and that she wanted to be with autistic children. I complemented her that what she was doing was absolutely amazing.

We continue to talk for the next couple weeks and she unexpectedly ask me out on a date to see Star Wars the force awakens. This was on the third week of class which was in the middle of January 2016.

We made plans to go on a date on a Saturday at 3 PM.

However I have a bad habit of catastrophizing and I told my group home staff about the upcoming date and I also told them what I expected to happen and they told me not to be so negative.

I basically told them that she will cancel on me last minute. And I continued with that mentality until the day of the date which was about three days after she ask me out.

My reasoning at the time was that she was just going to make me feel good about myself and then she just plan on letting me down I was basically assuming she just wanted to see how gullible I was.


And just as I expected she actually called me only five minutes before we were supposed to meet up to inform me that she had to cancel because of work.

And that’s exactly what I told my staff she was going to come up for as an excuse.

Of course I tried my best to hide my pain and hurt and I told her that it’s OK that we could do it next time and she was very apologetic, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe it was just my negative thinking and that I was overthinking it.

But she ended up doing it several more times and in class I finally asked her why do you keep on making plans with me and then canceling last minute?

She confessed to me that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend who cheated on her three times.

This hurt me even more because knowing she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend she still decided to ask me out three times make plans and then cancel on me and she informed me that she wanted to get back with him I told her that I’ve never been in a relationship and that she s**t forget about him but then I kind of guilted l her And I told her that being autistic I’m never going to be asked out again and I will probably never be in a relationship and I told her that I bet you in six years from now and probably still going to be single never have been in my first relationship.

Of course at the time I was making a catastrophic prediction but I was really thinking it was going to happen and she told me that it was absolutely not going to happen that I would definitely find someone by the time I turned 30 but sadly my prediction came true and I’m about to turn 31 and I haven’t even been in my first relationship.

Was I justified for guilting her for choosing her toxic ex-boyfriend over me? I want to tell her that I actually was expecting her to ghost me all this time but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings but my staff were actually blaming me saying that you brought this on yourself.

I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I’m currently getting therapy.

Guilting does nothing except to make the person you're trying to guilt-trip resent you more.

Exes are familiar and comfortable, even when they're jerks.

Imagine a person sitting on a couch in their house watching TV or playing games, but they're sad and a bit lonely... yet there's this door on the other side of the house that is an entrance to an unknown area. When you open that door, it's pitch black on the other side. There's no clue as to what's beyond it.
Most people are going to continue to sit on their comfortable couch and continue to do what they do every single day. They're going to ignore the other door because going through the other unknown door is scary.

Exes are comfortable, even when they make their partners sad. New people are risky and could end up being worse.
Sure, they could be better, but it's rolling the dice. A person's taking the chance of losing their ex to another bad relationship.

In my opinion, yes.  People should know when they have hurt others, if only to apologize and offer some form of restitution.

A person who feels no remorse for hurting others is likely displaying psychopathic behavior (e.g., psychopaths are often more likely to lack the basic feelings of empathy that most other people are used to).

Sure, lay on a little guilt, and then walk away.  If she feels enough remorse, she will come to you; if she does not, she will not.

Either way, dwelling on this one person and her behavior will likely be counter-productive for you.  Take what you have learned, move on, and apply your new knowledge to your next relationship.

You’re actually right. After I got rejected, I was absolutely terrified of being rejected again so whenever I was dating I decided to hide my autism diagnosis I was initially hiding my diagnosis, but later on instead put it on my dating profile so that I don’t have to deal with anyone who would reject solely on the basis of my diagnosis.

Despite being extremely kind as a person I always got rejected, and I’m still hoping to get into a relationship.

that's a pretty common storyline in life that is even in movies. I dont think ive been dumped for a toxic ex, but i wouldnt know because maybe they didnt say

What you described here sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant experience. I'm sorry you had to go through this.


Your prediction of her behavior turned out to be correct. But your reasoning about her motives for that behavior might not have been correct. After all, if she wanted to make you feel good about yourself, then jerking you around repeatedly was obviously not a good way to accomplish that.


Yuck! Making dates and canceling them at the last minute -- and doing so repeatedly! -- was extremely inconsiderate behavior on her part.


I would say that you were justified in telling her off for her inconsiderate, hurtful behavior.

But what was objectionable about her behavior was not the mere fact that she was "choosing her toxic ex-boyfriend" over you. She had every right to choose whom she wanted. But what she did not have the right to do was to jerk you around the way she did. She should not have been pretending to be interested in you while still pursuing her ex-boyfriend.


Assuming that your description of the situation is accurate, I wouldn't say you "brought this on yourself." Decent people don't repeatedly make plans and then repeatedly cancel at the last minute. The fact that she did this was entirely her fault. And anyone who behaves like that is certainly not a good potential relationship partner.

The only way you can be said to have "brought this on yourself" was by giving her as many chances as you did. Giving her a second chance might have been reasonable, but a third or fourth chance? After she canceled twice, there was no good reason for you to accept any more invitations from her.


What kind of therapy? DBT?

(I've never had DBT myself, but I am under the impression that it can be very helpful.)

EDIT: By the way, I wouldn't refer to this gal's behavior as "ghosting." At least she called you to cancel. "Ghosting" would be if she just disappeared on you with no explanation. Her behavior was still awful, but not the same thing as "ghosting."

She sounds like a moron.

I hate to admit it, but dating is a game.
You know how most animals have to learn how to do a certain type of dance or put on a show to get a mate?
Humans are just animals with a little more complexity.

You said you live (or lived) in a group home. Are you friends with your flat mates?
What do you do for fun, and do you all ever go out in groups?

All of the relationships I've been in, I've met my mates through work, friends, and I once met a guy in my apartment complex who had the parking spot next to mine.
The second part to that was having something in common. For me, it was usually gaming, geek/pop culture, or science.

What are your interests?

The ex probably has a bigger dick.

I think you were justified in telling her off (once is fine, twice is coincidence, three times is intentional) but you might have been able to phrase it better.