Communication

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Hi,

My wife thinks I talk different to women. I don’t know how or believe that I do this but it’s causing issues.

I do know that I often come across rude when talking to people without meaning it so could this be pet of my autism? I’m still waiting for a proper diagnosis and trying to understand myself better.

I should also say that at no point do I ever flirt or want to be seen as being over friendly with anyone.

Can anyone shed any light please?

As far as coming across rude: I can relate to this.

In my case (and some other ASD folks I know) - we want to get to the point and not dance around it. To some NT who expect certain courtesy, this can be perceived as rude.

Sometimes prefacing your real topic of conversation with "how have you been?" Or similar greeting, can help ease this impression.

I've been accused of being rude by many people. I do everything I can to be polite.

Have you asked your wife how it is that you talk differently to women? Only she will know the differences she's referring to and be able to explain her observations to you.


If I had to guess, though, it'd be that you unintentionally have a habit of talking down to them, or talking to them like they're over lesser intelligence, and/or have a habit of 'mansplaining,' basic things to them assuming they don't have the same level of knowledge about things as you do because they're women. This would be my Guess because it's a common complaint of women about how men speak to them.

The OP is a woman. ^

My exbf used to speak "normally" to women and rudely or more "tough" with men.

It got to the point I could walk into the room and tell straight away if he was speaking with a man or a woman on the phone, even if they were random strangers / customer service reps. With men he would try to sound cool and more assertive but with women he would just be polite.

Are you (OP) saying that your wife doesn't like the way you speak to women?
Does she think you are flirty, or rude?
Or, is it more about how you speak to men in contrast?

She thinks I am overly chatty with women compared to men and that she says that it can give women the wrong impression Ie. that I am flirting.

She also says I can be rude to everyone on occasion through being transactional which I accept.

The first one though I really don’t understand or accept because I don’t recognise a difference.

She must recognize a difference.

Maybe you're just more Comfortable chatting with women so you end up chatting longer with them whereas you speak to men as needed and move along?

I'm not sure if this is the case with you OP but some women are more chatty with other women because they do not want to give guys the impression that they are coming on to them. Us guys can misinterpret friendlieness in women as flirtyness. Also some women have a more negative opionion of men due to bad experienses with other men. If these are factors it may help your wife feel more secure to know why.

I had that problem too. You won't believe how I solved it. I stopped being polite and respectful to people. This solved the problem (or dramatically reduced the problem).

I had that problem as well but I solved it offline by being quiet & being a good listener I realized that most people dislike being told things that they do not want to hear. If someone is dealing with something or wants to do something that won't turn out well, they get mad when you give them realistic advice. I'm the type of person who wants others to be straight & upfront with me even if the truth hurts but my girlfriend is the type who wants to be told exactly what she wants to hear