NT drawn to Aspies

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My ex-husband is an Aspie, as is my son. I seem to be attracted to intelligent and honest men - funny thing, often Asperger's shows up in these traits too. I had no idea my ex-husband's seemingly peculiar traits (not to mention my ex-father in law's traits) were actually characteristic of a form of autism. Many times I found myself banging my head against the wall over his reactions to things (or non-reactions, more likely). We pretty much divorced over issues relating to it. Then my son started acting like his dad.... 15 years ago, the school picked up some 'learning disabilities' in the form of a generalized communication disorder but with it, an above average IQ. (I am leaving things out for brevity, so please bear with me.)

Now, I find myself with a highly gifted middle aged man - showing almost all the AS traits. He has been through a series of failed relationships. (He says women present themselves one way, but actually end up as something else.) Through my son and my ex, I now understand how AS presents in relationships. Can anyone offer me any advice, or comments, in regard to how best to put him at ease within a relationship? I tend to be a calm person. I'm thinking this what's attracting him to me. I'm thinking that just being myself (calm, consistent, and understanding) will go a long way. I admit, I have to catch myself sometimes when he is blunt with me. But I have to say that his honesty, intelligence, and sweetness wins me over.

More questions: I don't know if he even realizes what Asperger's is... but he knows that people have called him 'weird' for reasons relating to AS traits. Do I mention this to him?

In social settings, would it be rude to mention a better way of handling a situation, comment, or answer to a question? Is it helpful, or hurtful? I want to be tactful and compasionate toward him... not overstepping my bounds. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

You seem nice and understanding, that's a good foundation to start with.

If you expect certain responses to emotional cues... that's probably not going to happen. Likewise, if he is anything like myself... the mere expression of emotion is kind of difficult. Despite the feeling being there, the thought process to convey it in an appreciative way makes problems.

If the emotion does come out, it could just be a bunch barely coherent expressions...

It should be interesting to someone to find out about AS, if they are curious. But it depends on how the person handles information from others... Personally I wouldn't bother telling him about it... or at least bring it up sort of casually.

As to correction in social settings... it mostly depends on him... again. If he really wants to do what is expected, but always comes up short... having someone tell him would be very appreciated. On the other hand, if what is expected of him... makes absolutely no sense... then there is a tendency to become bitter and disregard this advice.

I've experienced both.

I hope it goes well for you two.

Could you give some details about this? I'm curious if it could relate to anything I've had in relationships of the past.



I recall having an argument with one lady-friend about this. She said that "everyone wants to have that happy fantasy about thier partner when they are first together" to which I strongly objected. I told her I would never want to see a fantasy version of my partner because then I would be disapointed when the reality set in.

So what your man may be seeing isn't so much of outright lies, as NT women trying to fufill some expectation that he doesn't understand or even consider.



BE CONSISTANT. Many people are two-faced, and I've not entered relationships with women I was VERY attracted to because I couldn't get a grip on a solid consistant behavior pattern in them. I know most NT's (especially NT women it seems) would say that "perfect is boring" to which I say "grow the frack up". There are enough problems in life, no need to generate more drama.



If he asks for advice then yes... BUT the kind of thing you are talking about seems to be more about the female drive to change men. Support yes. Change men, no.

On the topic of men and women in general, understanding men's experiences in life may be helpful. Here is a book that may help.

Pugly and Alicorn, thank you for your input. Alicorn, when I would share a difficult decision with my ex, I would not get input from him. Ultimately we had a crisis situation and he would not leave his 'comfort zone' to be there for me. When I was hurting/crying over a loss, he would go sit in a chair and hang his head. (Which made me hurt all the more. I wanted to be held.) I just didn't understand.

As my son matured he took on more and more of these same traits, and was diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder, I began my quest for understanding. I was more patient with him, as he was a child. I know that when communicating with my son, I need to be specific and kind. Putting him on the defensive makes communication that much worse. I need to be very literal. (Being a technical communicator helps me greatly in this.) He needs me to be consistent...and I found it both comforting and interesting that you mentioned this.

Fantasy in men does not interest me. Give me honesty, intelligence and (here we go!) consistency. This is what I get from an AS. What I find myself giving in return is monitoring my own flirting, teasing, off-hand jokes. I find that it's best to identify each of these acts when I'm doing them - lest he take me seriously.

Here's another example: Something stressful happened to him at work. I said, "Awww honey, I wish I could give you a hug. I know it won't make things better, but it might just lower your BP. Know that I'm here if you want to scream, complain..whatever. I'm here and that's what girlfriends are for!" He wrote back "I'm fine." I was looking more for a "Thank you hon. I appreciate that." LOL... but that's ok. I understand.

When I told him something that he really REALLY appreciated in an email, he wrote back, "See? You are intelligent and special." <grrr! I wanted to write back saying..."I KNOW I'M SPECIAL!! !!"> An NT would probably have written back, "Thank you so much for understanding me. I feel so much better."

I use terms of endearment all the time...honey, sweetheart, baby. He NEVER uses them. How do you all feel about those words?

Back to my son.... he hates to be touched, or kissed, but he DEFINITELY is sensitive, and his feelings are easily hurt. Do you find this sensitivity to be common?

As we were relaxing the other day, I asked my BF if he'd like to have a backrub. He simply said, "No." WHO would turn down a backrub????? In NT-world even if you didn't want one, an NT would either accept it to be polite (what harm is there in it?), or say "How about a short one?" If an NT did not know about AS, they would be offended by having their offer turned down...and possibly would have hurt feelings. It's like giving someone a gift and having the gift turned down.

One last thing, is that for an NT it is also hard for us to know where we stand with an AS because these little romantic clues aren't there. Sometimes I want to say to my guy, "Is everything OK with us?" but I don't say it.... for fear that I will put him off. Everyone... please comment to that as well, and I will respond to any NT questions/comments you might have.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Yeah, what you expect and what is given... will rarely be the same.

If everything is going well, it easy to become complacent... he might be glowing on the inside, but doesn't realize that it is nice to show how appreciated you are. If he is comfortable and doing his own thing... then that is a good sign. Which may not be nice to you... but that's how it goes...

And when the stress hits, the introverted folks like to retreat to be by themselves. If I am stressed, interacting with people can remind me of the specific stressful problems.

As for terms of endearment, I agree that they are kind of strange to use. Using stock phrases that everyone uses, doesn't really work for me. Perhaps he can think of specific words that he can pick out for you. Perhaps in his mind you aren't a honey, sweetheart or baby. But maybe there is a touchy-feely expression in his mind that is unique to you...

Touching is a really strange sensation. I've had relatives try to give me a back-rub... and I don't like it. It may feel good, once I get used to it... but the sensation is just so bizarre that I just squirm away. Also just because it is a gift, it doesn't mean it is expected to be appreciated it. If someone made some food you hate, and forced it down your throat... and nearly made you gag.... it probably wouldn't be appreciated just because it is a gift. If you feel a need to give touch as a gift, find out what he likes first.

If you ask direct questions that's the best way to get to know where everything stands. If you are want him to say something, just ask the question. It doesn't come easily what needs to happen in a relationship.

As one last thing, I am just basing all this off my own ideas and some experiences. Every person with AS is different, so don't be alarmed if it isn't exactly like how I am describing.

I don't think of them much. When I try them, I don't sound right.



A lot of autistics have sensory overload issues. I've only met four women I liked to hug. I was in love with three and the fourth was a close friend. As for the back rub, he answered your question honestly. If he said yes and didn't mean it, that would be lying to you and wasting your effort. What kind of BF lies to his GF?
Teasing often comes across as belittling and mean. For NTs, teasing can be a bonding ritual, but we often don't read the nonverbal cues well enough to know when someone is joking or not.



That's a tough one. If things aren't okay, he'll probably sulk and shut down. That can also be some needed down time from dealing with an exhausting world. If he acts distant, let him know you'll be there when he wants to talk and let him come to you. When he does, listen without judgement and ask objective questions. BTW when he called you intelligent and special, those are endearments.

Anything else will have to come from the forum members with actual relationships. How they do it is beyond me. I salute them.

Best advice you could possibly give an NT.

One of the reasons my marriage failed was that my wife was completely NT. She lived in a world of hints, feints, clues and layers. A world where nonverbal communication was understood between people. She would constantly "hint" that she wanted something of me or drop "clues" using figures of speech or body language signals. And when I didn't get them she would become angry at how "stupid" I was. She would also often accuse me of lying or having ulterior motives when I'd come right out and say what I meant about something, because she didn't know anyone else who actually did that. An Aspie in those regards is very two-dimensional. We're not like ogres (or onions or cake or parfait), we don't have layers, nor do we understand them.

Yeah (thanks for breaking things up a bit
I have trouble with dense posts). I can't imagine
using those. I'd only use THOSE particular ones,
as a part of a snide comment. Hun, darlin', and a
few others work for me, but those just sound icky
to me.




Someone who doesn't like them?
I've met very few people who can
do any good with them.





I'd ask. Because you want to know. I'm pretty
sure my wife was AS. Not asking these things,
not communicating, did a lot of damage.

She would also often accuse me of lying or having ulterior motives when I'd come right out and say what I meant about something, because she didn't know anyone else who actually did that. An Aspie in those regards is very two-dimensional. (JonnyBGoode)
Absolutely! Even NT's get confused sometimes in the NT world. We are used to guessing what someone else may mean until we know them well enough! "Two dimensional" is very refreshing once we realize the AS person is just..honest!

Teasing often comes across as belittling and mean. For NTs, teasing can be a bonding ritual, but we often don't read the nonverbal cues well enough to know when someone is joking or not. (MysteryFan3) YES! I've learned this. To NT's not only is it a bonding ritual, but it's "Play", "flirting", a "game" even! Again, sometimes even NT's wonder when someone is joking or not. There ARE mean-spirited people in the world, and sometimes we are left wondering too. We make our determination based on past experience with the person. If the person had been nice to us in the past, then - okay - we give them the benefit of the doubt...THIS time.

That can also be some needed down time from dealing with an exhausting world. (MysteryFan3) Is it exhausting due to living in NT world? I can definitely understand this.

Perhaps he can think of specific words that he can pick out for you. (Pugly) He HAS! But it's 'original' and more like a bunch of adjectives thrown together than anything endearing. But I'm growing to love it (Especially after hearing from all of you!)

It may feel good, once I get used to it... but the sensation is just so bizarre that I just squirm away. (Pugly) Thank you for this! You know what? I HATE having my feet rubbed! Getting a pedicure is sheer torture, so I think I've found a way to relate!

I am of the opinion that AS needs to be made more widely known amongst the general population...just so that we can understand and appreciate each other. There's room enough in this world for all kinds of people. If everyone were the same, what a boring world this would be.

I love it when he grabs my hand and does his tap, tap, tap - with my hand in his. Once I decoded it into my framework of understanding - it made my heart melt.

When I met my boyfriend five years ago, I immediately realized that he was unlike anyone I ever met before. He only spoke when he thought he had something interesting to say, but his mind was so brilliant that we never ran out of anything to talk about. His dry wit made my heart melt, but I was sad that I always felt I liked him more than he liked me. He showed every symptom of love- he wanted to spend all of his spare time with me and he always made sure that everything in his apartment was in the right place when I came over. But, whenever I saw him, he didn't mirror my wide smiles and I thought to myself, "why did you even invite me out?" I can't tell you how many times I wondered, "does he REALLY like me, or is he just too shy to find someone else?" (later on I discoverd that dispite his shyness, he had never actually had a problem finding women to date) When I tried to clear things up by asking, "why do you like me?" he said struggled with expressing himself, so I still worried. He said, "I express my love through actions not words."

(On a side note, he has absolutely no problem telling our cats how cute they are and how much he loves them- animals flock to him for some reason and he relates to them on a different level from most people. Maybe its because they both express themselves through actions? Is that common for Aspies?)

As our relationship grew, we became really close. We spent all of our time together and I realized that he really did love me by just thinking about the way he treated me. He always wanted to see me, he always wanted to make sure I was happy, he never once backed out on an obligation, he cared about me deaply, and I always knew that I could trust him to be honest.

When I think about other people's relationships, I see that things change when they become serious. I see other women's new boyfriends fawning over them and saying whatever the woman would like to hear. And then, of course, the boyfriend becomes unable to keep up with the hard work and eventually becomes just himself and not exactly what the woman adapted to. In the case of my boyfried, he just gets better and better. I think his struggle with social skills keeps him honest and unable act in a way that he didn't really feel. The closer we become, the harder he works to keep me happy.

Admittedly, I often have difficutly interpreting him since he doesn't show his feelings as openly as other people. He's patient about it, but I'm sure I drive him crazy by asking "what's wrong" whenever he is quiet for a while. I used to think that he was in a bad mood all the time and I think some of my friends think that he dislikes them because he doesn't throw out many compliments or smile as a social cue like I always do. I'm an outgoing sales person who makes a living on interpreting the unspoken cues that my customers give me, but he never gives me any of the clues that I'm always looking for. After recently realizing that he's an aspie and looking at this site, I'm glad to know why that is so that I can be more understanding. The bottom line is that he is a brilliant, honest, witty and loving man who I would absolutely love to stay with forever! All relationships take work and understanding, and when I look

I think that AS runs in families my mum told me after my diagnosis that she could see many of the traits in my dad (whom she was divorced from then). Also my grandad on my dads side also showed many of the symptoms/characteristics. Mum used to call us when I was young before DX A (dad). and mini A.

It was a relief for me to know where the traits came from. I agree with others tolerance and understanding is crucial.

Yep.

I can't keep track of how often I've been told I "should" have known something.

Don't make the mistake of thinking your guy SHOULD know something, and then proceeding on the basis that he DOES.

If you haven't told him straight out, all the implications and hints in the world aren't going to give him anything more than a vague feeling something might be going on, but he's not sure what.

As a girl with AS I can see where the disconnect is. You use a lot of descriptive and narrative words to convey your emotions. It may bother him as much as his terseness bothers you. Next time, try saying something simpler and more to the point, like "I noticed you seem stressed. Do you want to talk?" No offense, but reading all of that NT talk might raise my BP.

Also, knowing to say "Thank you...I appreciate that" is not something that comes naturally to an aspie. It's a script he needs to learn. If there's something that you think he really needs to learn to do, tell him gently "I'd feel better/It would work better if you _____________." Short, sweet, and direct. I know the guys here will tell you not to nag, but in my experience if you ask right it's never a problem.



I guess it goes along with being too descriptive or cliche. The only one I use is baby. My husband uses whatever funny word comes to him. For example, this morning he looked at me and called me "button". I was about to say that was cute, but then his next word was "mutton", I guess because it rhymed.



My parents knew not to hug me while I was growing up. I still hate hugging people other than my husband or best friends. My in-laws insist on kissing me, which I think is horrible! There is a picture from my wedding where my father-in-law is kissing me on the cheek and I am trying really hard not to make a disgusted face. I don't know what I'll do when I'm pregnant and everyone wants to touch my belly.

Hi, this is my first post on WP although I've visited the site a couple of times before.

I'm NT but with a boyfriend of 10 years who is currently awaiting his next referral for a possible Aspie diagnosis. I can't go into everything that's going on for my boyfriend because just reading this topic has made me incredibly emotional.............this might sound very selfish but all of your comments have made me realise that I'm not alone and neither is he. Thank you )

So many things that tekwriter1221 has said ring the biggest bells with me. My bf can't be touched or hugged if he's upset, he says it makes him feel worse. He also has no idea how to comfort me if I'm upset about something & used to just sit there looking worried. We've both learnt from each other though & it's improving. Who cares if we have to deal with things slightly differently to other people?

This site's fantastic & an inspiration to me. I'll tell you something, this whole experience has really shown me who my real friends are........i.e those who support us & NOT those who just tell me I'm with a weirdo loser who's taking me for a ride.....people can be so hurtful!

Great to read your comments, especially tekwriter1221......reading your comments is a bit like holding a mirror up to our experiences. Thank you x

I personally never used them with a girl and I even never said ' i love you ' to my parents or to my siblings but htey know that i do , when i was kid I usually reject unwarned hugs.



What I don't understand , if you love the traits in your ex-husband and in your current bf like honesty and intelligence then why you are complaining about such small issues like the use 'honey and sweetheart' . Why you divorced your first husband in the first place if you really love these traits ? If you really can't stand the lack of emotions' expression or lack of showing empathy in a partner then an aspie is not the best for you . Do this new boyfriend a favor, quit him now before you break his heart like you did to your first husband.

people are repelled from me