How do I get my mom to relinguish all control over me?

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My mom shouldn't have the final say on how I dress, who I date and who I want to marry!

I am an adult who might have finally found love and I'm afraid she will try to be the ultimate arbiter in my decisions

Until I can untether (move out) how can I get my mom to release her control over my life?

Thanks in advance!

You're 18 or over. Your mother doesn't get to decide anything when it comes to you, unless it is something that directly harms her. She can't allow you to break the washing machine, for example.

Indeed, I would say making progress towards moving out would be useful in your case, if that's possible.

For us to have any clue as to how to convince your mom of anything, or what to do about it if you can't, we'll have to know more about your mom, and more about your overall situation.

For example, has she met your current partner (or prospective partner) yet? Does she disapprove of your current partner (or prospective partner) for specific, identifiable reasons, and, if so, what are they? Does she have a history of interfering in past relationships of yours? Are her attitudes culturally typical of mothers in your locale, or is she unusually controlling?

Do you currently have a job? Are you paying rent to your mom? If you don't currently have a job, what are your job prospects? What are your career goals, if different from your current job or job prospects?

Does your current partner (or prospective partner) have a job? If so, what general kind?

Also, someone here might be able to refer you to relevant local resources if you tell us your general locale. Don't be specific enough to endanger your privacy, but it might be helpful if you could tell us what country you live in, and, if you live in a large country, your province, state, general region, or nearest major metro area.

The short answer would be to move out and to be totally (and i do mean totally) financially independent. However, even that may not be enough. As others have noted, there are other factors.

29 years and and she treats you like that?

Time to bin her, possibly permanently.

If you can't move out just tell her to "mind her own f*****g business"

Don't like swearing in this forum but the infantalising at the age of 29 is probably terminal and you can't reason with her anymore. All you can possibly do is be a dick to her and cause conflict until you move out. Use utterly foul language if you see fit.

Shell never treat you any differently until you put geographical distance between her.

Draft a cohabitation or renters' agreement.
She can only have as much control as you allow her.
The rest is all guilt-tripping and gaslighting.
For that you'll need family or individual therapy.

^^^

Agreed.

Just to reiterate your mother will never change. She made her mind up when she realised you might be autistic and that was probably when you were a child.

It's a futile endeavour trying to reason with her when she's still like this almost into your 30s. I recommend an arms length relationship with her when you move out. Until now just tolerate her but don't be afraid to hurl out the F bombs at her when needed.

Here in this thread, a lot of people have given a lot of advice in response to very little information.

We don't yet know why the O.P. is still living with her mother, or what she needs in order to be able to move out.

We have not yet been informed of the O.P.'s financial situation, or what the O.P.'s plans are, if any, for improving her financial situation.

We also don't yet know, for example, how disabled the O.P. is, and in what ways, if any. Ditto for her partner (or prospective partner). We don't yet know whether she is even capable of living independently at all, much less what her options might be in the event that she isn't.

Also we don't yet know what, if anything, the O.P. has already done by way of trying to "get my mom to release her control over my life." Nor do we yet know the consequences of those attempts so far.

IMO, we would need to know the answers to all of the above questions, and more, in order to give any advice that MIGHT have any chance at all of being even slightly useful to the O.P.

This is an example of the kind of advice I would not give without a LOT more information. Depending on various particulars of the O.P.'s family situation, following this advice could conceivably result in the O.P. ending up homeless or in a mental hospital.

From what I've read in other threads
The OP's mom has major health issues & guilt-trips her & her brother into being full-time caregivers. The OP is not allowed to have a job because her mom 'needs' her. This does NOT sound to me like the mom has guardianship of her nor has reasonable reasons for being very concerned & protective of her. It seems to me like her mom is gaslighting her in order to keep exploiting her. Due to the mom's major health issues, the OP & her brother might be able to get guardianship of their mom & then put her in a nursing-home even if their mom is against it. If their mom owned the home, the OP & her brother might be able to take ownership of it along with the rest of their mom's assets. The OP & her brother should try to seek out legal aid &/or some kinda social services program like adult protective services.

Yeah that's the gist of it!

What does "gaslighting" mean?

Does it mean my mom is manipulating me?

Never mind I looked it up and that is indeed what it means

If this is true, then that's even MORE reason to become independant and untether from my mom!

I am sorry but you will most likely have to move out and get a job that pays you a living wage to get full control over your own life.Her house her rules.I am sorry to hear about your troubles.

Thanks for filling in the missing context. (Now that you mention it, I do vaguely recall this being discussed in more detail in another thread.)


If that is the case, my first question would be whether they have looked into the option of a home health aide -- which insurance does pay for under some circumstances?


Agreed.


Not necessarily "gaslighting" (a word that's been vastly over-used these days, IMO), but certainly making unreasonable demands. The OP certainly needs to be allowed to have a job!


I think a home health aide might be a better option if possible.

Its a bit late now, You should never have not given up so much control. Its like feeding a monster. If you want to take it back, you have to become self-reliant and self-supporting...that can mean different things depending on your situation, but If you want to be treated like an adult, the first step is learning to act like one.