A VERY serious issue regarding singlehood, dating

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Is it possible for a man in his 40s to meet and marry his "dream lady" if he has a fetish for high heels, has a disability, is unemployed and doesn't have much or any money? Is there a suitable female match for this type of individual?

First, let me start with a little background about myself. I am 41 years old. I have a disability called PDD-NOS, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified. Basically, this means that I am on the autism spectrum, although high-functioning. I am kind of a social introvert. I don't go out, I don't have many friends (or any friends, to be honest). I have a fetish for womens' high heel shoes, meaning I have a weird sexual/mental configuration that causes me to become aroused by or attracted to them. I am also unemployed and I don't have much money to my name. I have never been on a date with anybody, nor have I been in love or had anyone in love with me.

My main issue is the following: Is it possible for somebody like me, with all the quirks and issues I have listed above, to actually meet and marry a woman? Is there really any woman out there who would be comfortable living with someone like me, even while knowing that the guy she's with has a tendency to use her stiletto or other style of high heel shoes as a "sex toy". Is there anybody who would be happy marrying me and who would love me the way I wish to be loved, even at my present stage in life, or am I out of luck on this? Am I just too "strange" to be adored by any woman, to even be considered approachable by her?

I tend to think this is not possible due to my not having any good proof that such exists. I also don't trust the dating sites and apps (for example, Tinder or ChinaLoveMatch) due to a range of issues I've found with them which include scammers, fake profiles, overly and unnecessarily picky women and online stalkers. I don't appreciate being denied any sort of friendly or cordial contact just because I'm unemployed and broke. At the same time, I can't have faith enough that whoever I'm trying to talk to is a real, genuine human being and not some romance scammer, fake bot account or a stuck-up pain in the neck who just wants money, job and fast car/big house and doesn't care about love or attachment or even whether the guy is actually faithful or not (essentially, the narcissistic kind who thinks they are "owed" the attentions and affections of men just because they look and dress a certain way and are simply digging for gold, with which to enrich themselves at the expense of the guy they are supposedly dating).

And then there's the dating sites themselves. It seems like regardless of who you use, they ALL have some feature or "upgrade pack" that you would very likely benefit from that's locked behind a paywall and you have to submit to a monthly raping to the tune of $50 to $100 just to use these features. Yeah, you can have a profile there free of charge, but if you want to actually seriously meet somebody nice, you're forced to pay or suffer with the fakes and scammers. And if you're not happy and want to stop using that service in favor of another one that better serves your needs, fuhgeddabouddit. You CANNOT delete your profile from most of these dating sites and apps. Once you sign up, they have you permanently. Facebook isn't any better, and in fact can be WORSE what with Mark Zuckerberg's insistence on stealing and re-selling absolutely everything you say or do to the highest bidder, all for ad revenue.

So, to say that I have trust issues with online dating may be a slight understatement. And all of this is further aggravated by the fact that, in any given week I find AT LEAST three or four spam emails in my inbox all claiming to be someone "looking to hook up" or asking "wanna have some skanky sex" or some foolishness like that. Invariably, these have attachments, which I never look at for obvious reasons (probably their raunchy nude pics... or maybe those they stole from somebody else who didn't do as thorough a job at securing their social media accounts as maybe they should have... or maybe just some really bad malware that I don't want on my PC).

Am I being "too picky" if I ask for a woman who is both physically attractive AND is of a personality makeup that would not only be comfortable with me the way that I am, but even desire to indulge my kinkier side (or even just be willing to help me with everyday needs, I'm fine with that too)? I'm not necessarily asking for this girl to spend her money on my CPU collection, electronics hobbies or high heels to satisfy my sexual cravings with, though I'd have no problem with her if she chooses to do all that on her own volition, or even merely asked me if I'd be okay with her doing so. I don't look gift-horses in the mouth and I do like receiving gifts. I believe most human beings do.

All I want is for her to be physically beautiful, a good personality who is forgiving and patient, who would be comfortable with my weird traits and wouldn't mind even indulging some of them and who could ultimately bring me the happiness, love and purpose I seek from this life. If she could be an Asian woman (say, Chinese or Japanese or even Kazakh), that would be a nice bonus, but not an absolute requirement if this can be found in an American or European woman. I refuse to believe that physical beauty and an accommodating personality are mutually exclusive or that, to have one I must accept not having the other. But I do want some kind of physical proof that this exists before I can believe the notion that "there is someone for everyone". And not just somebody else's testimony, I want my OWN proof, my OWN lady to have and hold.

If anyone can help me out here, thank you in advance.

Last edited by envirozentinel on 01 Oct 2021, 8:22 am, edited 1 time in total.: offensive content removed - referring to LGBTQ as a disorder

High-functioning autism is fine.

Your fetish isn't a problem; it's more common than you think; lots of people have quirky fetishes. I wouldn't talk about this to your date early on, but once you're already in a sexual relationship, it'll be fine.

The main problem here is that you're 41 and unemployed. Are you looking for work? Do you have a plan to fix your situation in the future? Can you at least get part-time employment? There are some women who are in a similar situation as you and may not mind, but for the majority of women this is a dealbreaker.

You don't need to pay for upgrade packs on dating sites. It mostly comes down to your profile (primarily, how good you are at taking and selecting photos). A good profile can get matches even on the free version whereas a bad profile will struggle even if the user pays.

No. But you need to do things in order to meet them. You're not going to meet your dream girl if you mostly stay inside and just do introverted male hobbies your whole life.

You need to leave your comfort zone. Try new interests. Find work of some kind (even if it's part time). Meet coworkers. Use your money to go out to social events.

Jeez, that's probably the most non-PC and offensive to lgbtq people post ever here.

Unfortunately physical attractiveness is at a "premium" for women. Just about every man looks for this first. A woman has the right to choose her husband. If she is physically attractive she will have a lot of suitors. Money, social skills and stability are most likely what she's looking for. Possibly looks, but women claim this is not important (too controversial a topic for my answer).

In an overly simplified situation, we have ten women and ten men. All the men will want the best looking woman. All the women will want the most desirable men. The top end of this group will match first, then the middle. At the end there will be less good looking women and less desirable men. In my experience a lot of these are, unfortunatley, not willing to "compromise" and end up alone.

Long story short, if you do want to marry you'll probably need to compromise. If not you'll stay alone. It's unfortuantely a brutal fact of life.

Nothing wrong with liking high heels.

Nothing wrong with being gay, either.

It'd be probably better for your chances if you could get some sort of employment, or at least volunteering. Having PDD-NOS probably means you're at least average in intelligence. Your writing indicates this, too.

I used to have problems getting a date even when I had a job and an apartment. I had to be "alternative" in how I tried to meet women. I tended to take the "subway" route, talking to women on the subway. Once in a while, I did succeed. I also succeeded in finding girlfriends on the job.

While possible, it is not likely.Fnord's corollary to Internet Rule 34 is, "For whatever condition an individual may have, there is someone who will be attracted to it, turned on by it, or both."See my first two answers.See my first two answers.

A lot of dating success comes down to probability or numbers game. And depending on what you want and the qualities you possess, the probability of finding a suitable romantic partner can either range from flipping a coin to finding a shiny pokemon with 6 perfect IV's.

Let's break it down:

What you want:
- Physically attractive
- Kinky
- Has a personality that's compatible with yours
- Preferably Asian

Your qualities:
- 40 years old (unfixable)
- unemployed (fixable)
- diagnosed with PDD-NOS (unfixable)
- Introverted (somewhat fixable)
- Doesn't have a lot of friends (fixable)


Can you find a partner that fits these qualities? Yes. Is it probable that you will find a partner that fits these qualities? No. And the reason for that is because your standards are too high relative to your own qualities that you possess.

If you want to increase your chances of being romantically successful, you can either do 2 things.

1. Lower your standards for what you want in a partner to increase the probability of finding someone.
2. Work on yourself so that your own dating market value increases so that you're more likely to attract the women you want.


The choice is yours. But if you continue to go about dating the way you're doing it right now, you probably won't get very far unless you get lucky.

Thank you for your honesty and openness. No, I am not currently doing anything to rectify my unemployed status. Part of this is due to a lack of work that I would want to do. I don't know if I really want to be a janitor or stock clerk for what remains of my life. I'd like a job that's at least something closer to my interests in computer technology and electronics. Of course, I also have issues taking orders and working in a group. I guess I'm too used to being a loner.

And then there's my irresponsibility with money that I have to deal with. Just today, my mom got on me about me spending my money on things I can't use, even though what I bought are things I actually want. She's worried, understandably, about me ending up completely broke and unable to care for myself. So, I'm kind of feeling less than stellar today and I'm sure I'll be hearing more.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I want the good things that life has to offer, but I am unsure if I'm even capable of achieving anything at this point. I can't afford to go back to school, I don't have a car or even know how to drive. I'm really dependent on my folks for a LOT right now and I know they're not going to be around forever. And as usual, I don't really have anybody to talk to in person that can help me with any of my issues. I can't help but feel like I'm utterly alone and on my own with this stuff. Maybe this is the very best I can do right now.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be offensive. That's my opinion on the whole LGBT thing. I regard it as not in keeping with the evolution of humans. Ask yourself this: Can two males make a kid? Can two females make a kid? I don't care about adopting, that's something completely different and not really in the scope of the subject. Biologically, two individuals of the same sex CANNOT procreate, at all. I didn't make that up, it's evolution. We weren't designed to do that. But, you are free to have your opinions, as am I. We can disagree, that's fine. This just means that my opinion on LGBT-ness isn't welcome anywhere and I can expect that it will be moderated out of anything I post. Censorship, bud. You apparently can't have any "controversial" opinions, even in America.

Okay, so I don't have a snowball's chance in Hades. Is that what you're saying? Thanks for playing along and being honest.

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately, I live in the New Orleans area, so no subway on which to meet people, cool as that would be (I'm a bit of a railfan, too.). Yes, you're absolutely right that I need a job. Especially if I'm going to have to endure my mom complaining about me spending my inheritance money in irresponsible ways. That would make possible a means of replenishing what I spend so I can buy stuff with a little less guilt. But I don't think I'll be very happy to work as somebody's toilet-cleaner or trash-emptier or shelf-stocker. Maybe volunteering would be a better route, but I still have to get to the job somehow. I don't know how to drive and my family's work schedules don't really support my going to work if I'm working someplace that isn't Zuppardo's Supermarket or Cybertronics Inc. where my dad works (Or used to, he hasn't been working much lately, possibly due to the pandemic and more likely due to his boss's own health issues keeping him from getting to work.). I'd still have to pay the taxi driver, an expensive proposition and I don't know if our public transit could get me there easily.

Geez, either of your two options don't sound palatable. I don't like compromising, so I guess my "standards" may be unreconcilable, or at least not really flexible enough to lower any appreciable amount. And working on myself... What in the world could I possibly do to resolve that. Beside the obvious of getting a job, going out more and being more involved, I'm not sure what else I could do here. I'm not good at talking about myself, I'm just not. I don't know what's okay to put into a dating profile and what's off-limits. I'm apt to just throw in what feels right for the time and apparently, that's not the way to do it. I don't want to end up in an unhappy relationship. I don't want to end up with somebody who doesn't attract me or have any romantic effect on me. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe it's like I said to Fnord, I don't have a snowball's chance in Hades and I should just give up and accept the notion that, no matter what I do, I'll never, ever be happy with anything. It won't matter how much money I have or how many processors I buy or how much food my folks can provide me. The universe has seen fit to make happiness one of those things I'll never have. I don't have a purpose anyway, so why not, right? That's "luck" in my world.

Why have you never learned to drive?

(Some of us CAN'T drive safely due to attention issues. Is that the case for you?)

Not having children is not a "disorder." It's not necessary for every member of a species to have children.

For example, the vast majority of bees do not have children. Queen bees have children, worker bees don't. Being a worker bee is not a "disorder."

I didn't learn to drive until I was 37. I didn't have a "disorder in driving." I just wasn't mature enough to drive.

I don't have any children, and I'm 60 years old. I'm not "disordered" because of that.

I feel like it's better to have SOME job than to have no job at all. Even if it's flipping burgers at McDonald's or something. At least you have the inheritance money---that's good.

Ever thought about going back to college----or perhaps even getting into something like Xray Technician?

I'm not sure exactly why. Possibly, it's the combination of not having the time, not having the money, maybe my parents don't entirely trust me, I really don't know. My dad tried once to get me practicing at driving. We went one day to the parking lot at our local park and he had me doing little runs around to get me familiar with controlling the car. Unfortunately, I guess I freaked a little bit when another car entered the lot as I was trying to negotiate a turn and in doing so, I accidentally ran up against the curb and damaged one of the tires. I haven't been back to that since nor have I asked my dad if he'd be interested in trying that again, perhaps in a different location. I suppose that it's possible that I have some attention issues, I haven't really given any thought to that.