Feel like no one would want to date me

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I sometimes feel like I am not much of a man because I still live mum and her partner, despite the fact that I work, drive a car, do housework (cleaning, hoovering, wash my own clothes, ironing etc). I clearly don't know what somebody would think my life is like and what I do. But I seem to think when I've seen some dating shows and were a few women who wanted their men to be a manly man who will be protective of them and have lots of money like some rich playboy with a flashy car and so on. I certainly don't see myself as a likely candidate. I seem to think I might meet someone, get on really well but then might be turned off upon finding out I am still living with parents.

I think the actual problem is that someone can’t crash at your place. I say this in a hypothetical impersonal way.

I have a thought experiment. Let’s say you went out and bought some rental properties and became a landlord. You would technically own your own place multiple times over but would still have the same problem living with your mum.

At some point you just wouldn’t care what anyone else thinks about it. I think it is just kinda weird that it boils down to someone not being able to crash, or some other strict mind programming protocol people are experiencing.

Sometimes it doesn’t make sense for someone to live alone and be lonely begging for just anybody to keep them company. That doesn’t make much sense either especially if it is not someone’s strong suit to begin with.

TBH, I thought the same thing. Then I met a couple women over the years that would. I wound up married to the second one and I'm increasingly suspicious that she's also ASD.

The thing is that there's only so much we can do, but the more work we put into ourselves and making us the best we can be, the better our options will be. We also have to be mindful that whatever we do does leave some room for somebody else.

Oh good grief.

Let's not go there with the cars and money thing again.

To be "protective", a man has to be a nice person who isn't abusive and doesn't cause harm.

Period.

This.

Most people don’t have lots of money or flashy cars. Most people end up in relationships.

OP I dated a man in his late 40s who lived with his mother and drove her very old, cheap car. He’d still be with her today except that she died.

There are women out there for pretty much anybody that's willing to treat them with respect and honor whatever level of commitment the relationship is at. It's hardly just autistic women that are willing to date autistic men, and presumably non-binary as well, but anybody that doesn't quite fit with the usual way of doing things is a possibility. Sailors and those that work the night shift are probably possible. Same goes for the salespeople that are regularly going on trips for business. And I'm sure that there are other options as well.

Personally, I married the second woman that was willing to date me for more than one date. It's been an incredibly hard marriage up until this point, but I've come to realize that she's almost certainly also autistic, and we keep pushing each other's buttons. But, with the awareness comes a certain amount of agency to stop doing that. And we're probably going to be fine.

But, I did have to maintain some level of hope that plunking down money for a matchmaker would result in me meeting somebody that was right for me. They seem to have done a ridiculously good job as neither of us knew we were ASD at the time. And was investing a ton of time and resources into making me into my best possible self.

I was focusing on the last sentence about someone not wanting to date someone living with their parents. I do think someone’s perspective depends on their age. Young people judge themselves differently.

I have had older people tell me they wish they could sell everything they had and go back to the time they lived with their parents. I know that is not everyone. Cultures are different also. Some cultures have extended families that live together.

If living at home was not an issue somehow for young people trying to launch themselves why would everyone say it is?

I barely focused on the rest of the post. My point was someone could technically have a dozen houses and it wouldn’t make any difference. The original poster has a job. He could have a high disposable income from lack of expenses for all I know and has living at home as his only sticking point.

If living at home is not somewhat an issue for dating why would people harp on it so much? Age does make a difference I think.

I do think it makes a difference if someone can not ask someone over and play house and try out being the happy couple. Getting a hotel room is not quite the same and seems like a turn off to some women with a vestige of a reputation. Plus, it is an added expense that has less foreseeable future. It works out better for the excitement of cheating I guess.

1. Good observation. It's fact that typically attractive men are self sufficient provider types.

2. Not EVERYONE has that as a requirement for dating. There are women who like caring for their partners vs. being taken care of. There are women who are somewhat or similarly "disabled," and living a similar lifestyle themselves. You might just meet someone on a similar level to yourself that you get along with just fine. Plenty of poor and/or disabled couples in this world. Not everyone in a relationship is dating someone that TV and media marketing teach us is "ideal."

3. Living with your parents is so "Meh, whatever." where I live. Sure, the most desirable super model type looking women have shallow requirements like "Must have a solid six or multi-six figure income And own your own home/house," etc.. but in a place where incomes are tens of thousands per year and a house in the suburbs costs $1.8M and a condo downtown costs $1M+ there are a LOT of grown men that do not own their own homes and plenty that live with their parents. It's become so normal for adult children, and sometimes their spouses and children, to move back into their parents houses that when people hear of it they're like "Oh wow, lucky! Good thing mom and dad still own the house!!" vs. looking down on them for not being able to afford the thousands per month in rent while still being subject to instability and evictions whenever the landlord wants to cash out or use an an excuse to get rid of tenants and re-rent for higher prices etc. Just tell them you wanted to experience the rich city lifestyle people in London, Vancouver, Sydney, and Hong Kong have so felt the best way to do it was to stick around home and make the most of things!

4. If you feel your mental health and physical fitness constrain you, get to work on yourself until you're thinking and feeling better and start to feel like someone that you would consider dating. Then you'll know you're in a position to add to someone else' life vs. be an emotional/energy vampire. IMO.

If you don’t see yourself as a likely candidate then you aren’t. You can either get to work and make yourself a likely candidate, or don’t.

Yes, and even if it doesn't translate into ever having that special someone, you'll at least have a decent life to enjoy. It's mostly the sleazy stuff and making money for the sake of attracting a trophy wife that's bound to result in misery no matter what happens.

Do men actually do that?
What is a trophy wife?

Definitely. A trophy wife is usually an attractive woman that marries for money and is more of a status symbol than anything else. It may well be a marriage in the most limited sense possible.

It's unclear to me how often this really happens versus jealous people gossiping about it and it's definitely a derogatory term that shouldn't be applied to specific people.

Example:

melania trump.

Think trump married a supermodel for any other reason than to show off that his wealth could bed him a super model 4th (or whatever number) wife?

Think someone with her looks would be with a fat troll looking guy with an atrocious personality if it weren’t for access to his money and the lifestyle it buys?

Think she doesn’t know she’s a trophy wife?


There are people in this world that have these sorts of loveless business relationship marriages. Ugly trolls with black hearts like trump for the prize of a wife to show off, and super model type wives play the part of the trophy wife for the money and lifestyle.

It happens at lower income brackets than the Billionaires club, but still tends to be a high income high net worth type thing.

I'm sure that happens sometimes but isn't it also a poor reflection on the man if he wants such a spouse, or considers her a trophy? It sounds like the word "trophy" comes from the husband, not the wife herself.

Not for the type of man that values money and appearances more than anything else, especially if he views her as a prized Possession that he’s won in the game of life. It’s part of those weirdos whole schtick; having a trophy wife to show off as arm candy to impress others with her as a status symbol.

It’s a weird world and there are a lot of weird rich people out there, too.