"Teenage" crush: my first infatuation at 22 for fellow aspie

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Hello - first post yayy (how predictable that it is in this category haha)

I've got a unique situation, and a compelling storyline for you all to read, relating to my current love interest...

So it starts with a match on the Bumble app. Background: I have never dated and my use of dating apps had been only to provoke angst and fuel forlorn thoughts of an idyllic, yet not even attempted, romantic connection. Wasn't swiping much, avoided matching intentionally because of anxiety, generally being a hopeless romantic.

I am fully aware of the relative youth I have compared to others, but I felt hopeless at 22, entering the following factors into consideration...
I am autistic (duh)
and have ADHD and some form of anxiety disorder
I am transgender (a trans woman)
who's a lesbian and thus have a small pool of potential partners, just based on matching sexuality+gender
I have never had any of the commonly mentioned "firsts" in this whole realm of love/romance/dating (I won't list them, that just seems too cringey for me) - dysphoria for my primary sexual characteristics and possible asexuality contributes to this
...
That was until before I met her. She's a bit younger than me but also in college, and as I mentioned in the subject title, also has Aspergers. HAD IT STRAIGHT UP FRONT on her profile - and wow was that attractive to me. We match and I proceed to be astonished by the fact that in this initial stage, she already shows interest in me, in a way that I've never felt before. Even though I have no clue what to do in general, my response to her question of what I was looking for (a romantic relationship, emotional intimacy, not a casual fling) seemed to pass a test I had never previously passed in these chats, because she asked for my phone #

It was established at the very beginning of the text conversation that she knew about my being transgender and supported that...! She indicated that she likes guys and girls, which helped me through unpacking the hopelessness, because here is a person who was okay with three of the problematic (for dating) traits above. As an inexperienced person to having things work this well initially, I was almost waiting for myself to f**k it up, lol. But I just returned the favor in terms of acceptance and let her know how completely fine I was with her being on the spectrum. I promised to be as authentic as possible, like she is.

I am non-op at the moment, and when this general topic was asked about and I shared my status, she informed me that it could not be sexual. My genital dysphoria would have already made a sexual relationship iffy, if not impossible, so that didn't hurt as much as it could have. Meanwhile, a romantic relationship was laid out as a possible option, along with friendship, and that is what I am indeed pursuing right now

Anyways, the thing I'm dealing with right now is heightened feelings in multiple aspects! I am infatuated with her: the ADHD got turned to 11 as I both hyperfocused and procrastinated basic tasks as a result of her texts/the conversation. I hope she likes me in a romantic way so badly. Her compliments fluster me ... I am basically experiencing the typical teenager "first love" or crush or whatever you want to call it. But at the same time, this sucks. I already had my baseline of anxiety, coupled with self-doubt specifically for relationships, and now after having an extensive conversation with her, I'm acutely perceiving a sense of fear, fear that this is an illusion that will fade and that I will lose hope (which would leave me even worse than before).

I also predict this will move too fast... not necessarily a fatal scenario, but I would like to move slowly for the fact that I have never dated before and thus have a lot to learn. It's strange to realize I am now dealing with the trope: go all in, with optimistic hedonism, with the chance for a bigger heartbreak? Or play it cool and reject your level of attraction that you are keenly aware of, a defense mechanism guided by a risk-averse attitude? Polarized thinking that has a "gray region" btwn, yes I know. I have not even met her in person, but have expressed wanting to and it should happen in the next day or two?

Another difficulty here is although she's gloriously blunt, I have brought up the topic of meeting in person at least twice, to no solid plan forming. I'm learning to go with the flow and not worry when plans aren't made, and instead just enjoy the fact that she likes talking to me. However, I still will have to learn soon where the line is drawn for expressing affection: I am very anxious about smothering her (in the form of compliments, thoughts that are just swimming in my head and waiting to be released) even though she has been flirtatious (I think?!) towards me. WOw this is so new and so much to have on my plate, I guess it's time to research how to allow infatuation to resolve into normal attraction haha

Hi, just wanted to express support. It was so kind of you to comment on my post when you are even newer than I am. Your message really made me feel good. Being able to do that for another person is a wonderful thing, especially for us socially challenged ones. I suspect it may be one of your strengths.

You were asking about going all in or playing it cool. At the risk of sounding trite, I'd say let your heart guide you. That means being open to possibilities and attentive to what is happening between you. Then you can gauge the right amount of in or cool (to the extent that your heart doesn't already make a choice for you).

They say we don't pay enough attention to people, but we know that if that is true, it is only about in-the-moment stuff. In a larger sense, we can actually be super-attentive to another person. If she is an aspie too, she probably gets that. Hopefully she will be on the same wavelength as you on some of those social communication issues. I have never experienced that myself.

My heart has led me on numerous adventures in my life, even though I hardly ever dated in the way most people do. Sometimes there has been heartbreak, but it has always been worth it.

I'm not sure if this is good advice to follow, but ever since I was a teenager, one of the things I've tried to live by is to concentrate on doing and choosing the things I know I won't regret, no matter how things turn out. (Of course, there are necessities too.) Sometimes I may have missed things by being too cautious, but that doesn't mean you have to. When the beautiful moments come (and they will), savor them. When sad moments come (and they will too), try to savor them too. That might sound weird, but there can be a kind of joy even in sadness, when you look back on what you loved.

Friendship or romance doesn't have to be either/or, even though people may tell you it does. My wife and I were originally work friends who bonded closely over a lot of one-on-one lunches. She likes to jokingly remind me of my boldest remark that "I think we're compatible" from back in the day. She tells me she was attracted to me from day one, but socially blind me thought she was just being friendly. On my side, it grew slowly over time.

I really believe there can be a lot good in a relationship that grows out of a friendship. Just be careful about projecting too much if you feel strong infatuation. Long ago I experienced that once with an earlier co-worker who primarily identified as lesbian. We did in a way love each other, but she always made it clear that it could never be her primary attachment. At the time, I kept secretly hoping she would change her mind and really commit to me, which was not good. But apart from a few awkward scenes, no real damage was done, and I eventually was able to move on.

Anyway, I'm rooting for you.

And don't forget to breathe

Seriously, taking deep breaths is good if your heart is racing.

Thank you notSpock! I believe putting forth compassion and interest for someone, even if I don't know them, comes naturally to me, 'specially with other spectrum folks :] The forum should encourage more of this practice, response to someone = encouraged to respond to their most recent posting. ! I am indeed going to let my heart lead me!

Last edited by ClosetothSupperBrick on 28 Jun 2023, 8:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

She understands the heightened emotions that arise from the novelty of this situation for me; I intentionally addressed my inexperience (which would have been obvious regardless of my text about it oof haha) which has lead to a greater peace of mind for me. I logically explain most things, however, I've improved my emotion-related language, which is a goal of mine - aspie partner or not, it will benefit me! I can work on my self-esteem and "should" statements targeting trivial things I said, though.

We are on the same wavelength for so many things (including special interests!), so there's reason to believe that it won't be hard to get social communication issues to be one of those. I have not even asked her yet whether I should tone down the frequency of messages... and who knows, she might like my autism-styled ("thank you for saying that!"/"I really enjoy talking with you, I hope to learn more about you") romantic fluffiness