Hello Highly_Autistic,
What strategies have you tried so far for finding a partner?
I found my last partner (also autistic) through online dating. That may be an option to get started on having conversations and learning ways that you can navigate their systems of social connection while preserving your individuality and integrity. I admit I remember having to wade through nearly-endless amounts of bots and individuals searching for casual s**, which was far from fun, but it was through the site that I met my ex partner who I shared 4 years with. So I would say it was worth it. Otherwise, I used to be "foreveralone" and was convinced I would die a virgin. Here are some things I learned through trial and error, take what you can use and leave the rest:
First, I would say try to stop worrying about "getting" a girl to like you. I used to think this way, and on reflection I feel that it was an impediment to actually meeting people and forming and establishing close interpersonal relationships (particularly of a romantic nature). This was because I was focused on making myself acceptable, likeable, and attractive to them. These are important considerations in dating, but they should not be your primary focus or occupy your attention to the exclusion of considering or being aware of and interested in the other person and their well-being and comfort level. I thought this focus on "improving" myself would render me more appealing, but in reality it turned me into a self-centered "a****le" other people didn't want to be around.
I was so preoccupied with policing, changing, and adapting myself that I failed to see and respond to the people around me as equals (which is all they ever really were), and instead made them specters in my mind. This inevitably led to me subconsciously resenting them for playing a role that I myself cast them in.
Instead, you can try what I did which is to shift your focus (or your paradigm of thinking) from "do they like me" to "do I enjoy spending time with them / is there potential for a partnership that positively benefits both parties."
You will find as you begin participating in relationships that it is less about "will this person like me/ am I good enough" and more about "are we compatible."
Also, it helps to remember that dating is a "trial and error process" rather than a "zero sum game".
Your first partner may or may not be your last (statistically speaking, they most likely will not be), and there are always "plenty of other fish in the sea." So if it doesn't work out with one person, that is okay! There are plenty of other people! And just because it doesn't work out with someone does NOT mean there is something wrong with you. No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect, we all make mistakes, but people oftentimes want different things and consequently not all people are compatible with each other simply because they experienced an initial attraction.
This may all sound saccharine and hard to believe when you are dealing with the pain and frustration of being alone and wanting to love, complicated by the added difficulties and perceived deficiencies that are projected onto us by society, and compounded by not presently having a partner to love. However, now that I'm older I believe this pain is a necessary step toward self-actualization through individuation. Those are just fancy words for saying, this is how you grow. All of that being said, you deserve to love and be loved just as anyone else on this planet. And it can be hard to do so as someone with autism and introversion. Give yourself grace as you navigate the process, and never be afraid to reach out for help or advice when you need it. Keep your head up and remember to love and take care of yourself first. You are your first true love, and you will always have yourself!
02 Aug 2023, 4:56 pm
