Wife doesn’t believe that an Aspie/Aspie marriage can work

Post Reply New Topic

Whenever we struggle to communicate, she says two autistic people shouldn’t be together.

Anybody here make it work long term?

Yes it can work. Any marriage can work, it just depends on the people. Some NT/NT don't work. In fact a lot of NT/NT marriages don't work.

I think it can work but would depend on the people involved. However I strongly recommend marriage counseling to deal with communication issues. Nothing to be ashamed of.

My girlfriend is very likely on the spectrum & we've been living together for over 10 years. We both have various mental & physical issues besides autism & we do have communication issues sometimes. We both know that we'd have problems in any relationship & we're both better off with each other than being single so we're very committed to making our relationship work. We think couples being committed to each other is a major factor for if relationships last or fail.

It definitely can work. It will be a struggle at times if you can't agree about how to handle meltdowns though. That is probably the biggest danger of ND-ND relationships other than the possibility that you'll both suck at something that's vitally important. I've been married to a woman that insists she's NT, but I've met her extended family and she never had a chance.

It's been nearly 3 1/2 years at this point and it got a lot easier when I started to just treat her like she's autistic. Being a bit more tolerant of her special interests, accepting that her playlist will be like 24 songs and only rarely will new ones ever be added and rarely, if ever, will songs be removed. And that she gets nearly all of her opinions straight from her friends and relatives without really putting any effort into considering if the opinion is any good.

Plus, I've gone on an increasingly strict sensory diet to keep myself as calm and relaxed as possible so that when she does have a meltdown that I have more in reserve to avoid being sucked in. Our fights used to be epic as one of us would have a meltdown and the other would get dragged in and it would just spiral out of control like that.

But, since I started to just assume that most of the time it was just a meltdown and to do what I could to not make it any worse, that's gotten a lot better. And I'm hoping that in a couple weeks when I have the results back on my assessment that I'll be able to get in to see an occupational therapist to help figure out how to better redesign my life for better compatibility with my sensory needs.


We tried that and it didn't work. Which in retrospect should have been expected. She is in denial about having autistic traits and I was in denial about the extent to which I had them and their impact on how I view the world.

Had we known that, the marriage counseling would have had some chance of success.

Thank you all for taking the time to send the responses. I am glad to hear that at least some have found ways to make it work.

Everything is amazing together, until one of us gets stressed/upset, which causes both of us to lose control.

I accept the couples meltdown parties for what they are, and try to explain that they are to be expected given our circumstances. And that we won’t be able to avoid them all, so it should’t be a big deal that we can’t understand what each other want/need while it’s happening.

She sees that as me not trying hard enough to come up with a solution to ensure that it never happens again, so I must not love her enough, and concludes that things will never work out because of the occasional miscommunication.

I hate seeing her upset. But, while it’s happening, I am useless, and only make it worse.

Show her this

Show her this

[/quote]


Thanks. Made me smile on a tough day.

Have very much been there, though my situation is slightly different. My wife has been formally diagnosed bipolar most of her life. Once things start to spiral between us, there seems to be no stopping it, until I just withdraw or something. She can't talk things over without getting back into it, and I hang onto things too long myself once I start feeling traumatized.

But I've also seen it get better. However badly we are capable of pushing one another's buttons, deep down we both want it to work. Those negative spirals have become a lot less frequent and less extreme than some years ago. We've learned better how to eventually find the reset button.

Me and my ASD husband have been together a while now, we have a car dealership, house etc.

You just have to try your hardest to explain your point, you will get into fights and whatever it's normal. As long as you always both make the effort to sort it out then you'll be ok.

I find it's best to write stuff out over text as it tends to go in better when you can articulate yourself better. Verbal isn't always good.

Only ever get a middle person involved if it benefits both of you because a lot of times a middle person can destroy a relationship by siding with the person in the wrong just because they want to destroy your relationship out of jealousy so be careful. You really can't trust outsiders very easily.

Another suggestion, rage rooms, get the frustration out or you'll both just argue again.

On what grounds does she say this?

Autistic people can be (in some cases, at least) better at communicating with other autistic people than NT's are at communicating with autistic people.


Yes, my boyfriend and I have been together for eleven years.