Went to my friend's wedding, I might have feelings for them
Back when I was in university I made a close friend, which is rare for me. Within a couple of years they moved across the country, and since then we have remained good friends by keeping in touch with video calls and texts.
They're polyamorous and they (and their husband) have always made it clear that if I ever wanted to, they would love it if I came to live with them or have a closer relationship with them (but were otherwise perfectly happy to just be my friend). I already had a home that I was settled in, and I decided to be platonic close friends with them. I'm not a very romantic person, and I have trouble distinguishing different types of love anyway.
Last weekend they had their wedding, and I was able to attend. It took place at a camp where everyone could stay for two nights. When I saw them in person for the first time in three years I got a rush of feelings, and cried often during that weekend. I couldn't bear the thought that after the celebrations they would go back home. I already knew they were one of my favorite people and that we had tons in common, but seeing them in person I felt overwhelmed by the realization of how wonderful they are and how happy I feel when I'm near them.
I didn't feel jealous of their husband or upset that they were getting married- they had been living together for years already and the wedding was just a formality (plus I'm also non-monogamous and don't tend to get possessive). I just felt myself wishing I was a part of their life, living with them. I feel an emotion that I think is best described as heart ache. But I know it wouldn't be viable for me to uproot my life and move far away.
I don't know what to do about this feeling. I don't even know how to describe my feelings for them- it seems to be my version of romantic love, or maybe just very intense friendship feelings.
I just got home and my mind is all over the place, sorry if this is a bit scattered
They're polyamorous and they (and their husband) have always made it clear that if I ever wanted to, they would love it if I came to live with them or have a closer relationship with them (but were otherwise perfectly happy to just be my friend). I already had a home that I was settled in, and I decided to be platonic close friends with them. I'm not a very romantic person, and I have trouble distinguishing different types of love anyway.
Last weekend they had their wedding, and I was able to attend. It took place at a camp where everyone could stay for two nights. When I saw them in person for the first time in three years I got a rush of feelings, and cried often during that weekend. I couldn't bear the thought that after the celebrations they would go back home. I already knew they were one of my favorite people and that we had tons in common, but seeing them in person I felt overwhelmed by the realization of how wonderful they are and how happy I feel when I'm near them.
I didn't feel jealous of their husband or upset that they were getting married- they had been living together for years already and the wedding was just a formality (plus I'm also non-monogamous and don't tend to get possessive). I just felt myself wishing I was a part of their life, living with them. I feel an emotion that I think is best described as heart ache. But I know it wouldn't be viable for me to uproot my life and move far away.
I don't know what to do about this feeling. I don't even know how to describe my feelings for them- it seems to be my version of romantic love, or maybe just very intense friendship feelings.
I just got home and my mind is all over the place, sorry if this is a bit scattered
I think this is the sweetest thing I've ever read.
Sending hugs as you process it all.
_________________
I never give you my number, I only give you my situation.
Beatles
I think this is the sweetest thing I've ever read.
Sending hugs as you process it all.
Thank you. It's definitely a very bittersweet feeling- I'm really glad I got to have that time with them last weekend, it just also makes it so much harder to go back to how things were.
I have definitely had feelings for one of my friends who is married. She is not polyam, though, and if she were I wouldn't want to be in a polycule due to religious beliefs. (But no disrespect for those who do polycules.)
I know it's tough to have these feelings at times.
_________________
ASD level 1 & ADHD-C (professional dx), dyscalcula (self dx), very severe RSD.
Currently in early stages of recovering from autistic burnout.
RAADs: 104 | ASQ: 30 | CAT-Q: 139 | Aspie Quiz: 116/200 (84% probability of being atypical)
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