My boyfriend has serious hygiene issues

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My boyfriend and I are both autistic. Since the beginning of our relationship I have struggled to understand his hygiene issues.

He dosen't know how or when to wash his hands. He gets sick all the time because he dosen't wash them enough and then eats food. Our intimate life has become so disgusting for me that I am repulsed by him due to his not washing up properly.

I've been patient, offered advice and even shown him how to wash himself properly. It dosen't stick. So i show him again, I'm patient again.


He and I experience autism differently of course. We are different genders and different people overall. But his hygiene issues have become exhausting for me. He also does not understand danger the same way I do or other people do. At times, putting us in risky situations I wouldn't normally find myself in simply because hes so naive. Like the time a man walked up behind us in the middle of the night at a gas pump and i had to grab his attention to get in the car. The guy was absolutely about to attack/rob us.

You can tell him something and he will verbally acknowledge all the ways he understands it. But then the behavior will repeat. So i try to explain it in a different way.

Now hes taken to becoming almost petulant over it, self pitying and acting like hes a child when I bring up the hygiene issues that are effecting our love life and his health.

I've finally told him that after a few years of this I cannot take it anymore. That this is grounds for a breakup because its putting our health at risk and effecting my ability to be comfortable with him.

But i genuinely don't want to break things off. I love this man so much and feel these struggles he has are possibly related to autism. That its a struggle he has that I do not.

So how can I handle this without losing him in my life or breaking things off?


Please do not attack me on here. I am not trying to be mean. I just need suggestions if you've been through this yourself and how to handle it.

I do not judge people with hygiene issues but I see it as a safety concern. What more can I do to help?

I used to do things so unhygienic with my hands that, I can't even talk about it here because it is too disgusting.

He has to wash his hands.

It is perfectly reasonable to part ways with someone romantically if they are not performing well in the hygiene department.

That kind of thing can turn a person completely off and if it is an ingrained behaviour, it could be a deal breaker.

My ex had hygiene issues, so I can relate in a way although I did not love him.

Has your boyfriend’s hygiene gotten worse over time? Sometimes people struggle with this more when they are depressed. I’m the opposite in that regard. You know I’m struggling when I want to spend the entire day in the bathtub.

I am sorry that you are going through this as looking at breakups can be a hard decision. On the contrary, it doesn't sound like you are right for each other. Based on what you have said, he does not sound like he's in a place to date anyone. Especially since he can't seem to take care of himself. He also sounds like he's very immature.

In fact, he sounds a lot like an autistic male who I had a crush on for a while. He also had poor hygiene, and poor social skills, and didn't understand when something was inappropriate.

For instance, he would start doing these really bizarre and wild dances that involved everyone else moving out of the way. The main reason is that he would fly around the room.

I finally had to let him go too and you know what? I found someone better.

If he wanted to change he could. Depression, autism, nonetheless if he wanted to change, he could.

He won't change unless you give him an ultimatum. And if he doesn't change you need to walk and don't look back.

You may miss him and you may hurt. But is that worse than having some sort of relationship with a man whose hygiene you are constantly concerned and disappointed with, to the point you are coming here looking for advice?

There are different issues going on here. One is the disconnect between understanding why hygiene is important and actually being able to actually perform the tasks on a regular basis. If These issues have gotten worse over time rather than better. it could be depression, burnout, executive function issuesor resentment over what your partner sees as nagging. (or all or more of the above).

His situational awareness issues that you say put you both in danger are a separate issue.

From what you have said in your post, you seem to have taken on 2 roles in your relationship. that of partner and that of parent. That's not going to work. Its setting you both up to fail. You can be one or the other but not both. You have also isused an ultimatum. You either have to follow through, or lose any credibility and any leverage you had to bargain with.

I suggest you talk over both issues, and recommend he find outside help in the form of therapy as this is something you can't fix. I also recommend taking a break from the relationship to give him some from of motivation to seek outside assistance. It would also be beneficial for you to be able to take a few steps back and decide if this relationship is really worth it to you.

If your partner begins to show some actual effort in at least trying to work on those issues (independently of your influence) you can always re-evaluate your willingness to have a relationship with one another.

I am curious to know if his hygiene issues have actually gotten worse over time or if its simply that you aren't as willing to overlook them as you used to be. That is something that happens when a relationship is beyond the initial infatuation stage new relationships have. (things you used to find "cute" can easily become irritating, etc.). If that's the case, its just time to move on. If your partner has managed to survive to this point, then its likely they will continue to do so going foreward.

can you get wipes and wipe his hands before you have food? Just a suggestion.

I have had hygiene issues but based on sensitivity issues.
I hate showers because of the feel of the water.
I cant stand any hygiene products with scents.
Soap causes dryness and itchiness.
Can't use shampoo either, the itching drives me nuts.
Washing powder has the same effect, I'm allergic or something.
Toothpaste is like burning my mouth out with acid.
All these have workarounds though.
Maybe your bf has similar problems?

Have you tried showering together?
Could be sexy and you both get clean at the same time.

Have you considered a pressure washer?

i assume you are both in your 20s

Maybe some kind of "to do" list. Maybe he just needs instructions for life. Some people thrive from lits.

I know a person who writes lists for everything including having a shower and doing laundry and it works perfectly.

Whatever anyway you either need to put your foot down with him.

Not going in the shower of bath at least once a day is kinda gross, I think.