Proper motivations when seeking to date?

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How do you know the difference between wanting to start a healthy, loving relationship, and subconsciously wanting to use someone to obtain an emotional high? The two are closely intertwined, so I'm not sure they can be fully differentiated. I'm not suggesting that the first motive is piggish -- happiness is hard to come by in this life, and sometimes it takes associating closely with people that make you happy to pull you out of a depression. You don't intend to use them, and aren't even aware that you are, but then you find them less appealing once you're happy again. And that's the first moment you realize that your desire to start the relationship was not healthy at that time. But, could one have even known that to begin with? I don't see how.

What a conundrum! For, it would seem then, that the absolute worst time to get into a relationship is when you need one the most. And further, that the absolute best time is when you're so happy and healthy you don't seriously care for a relationship! Which becomes paradoxical, because you're barely interested by that time, and therefore won't invest yourself in the other person. Once again, it seems you'd just be using them.

I guess healthy relationships should have a balance of want and need -- not an extreme of just one or the other. One shouldn't use dating like an emotion drug, but one also shouldn't go into a relationship whimsically, not caring about the other person. Unless the other person is going into it whimsically too, which I guess would be termed "casual dating". I sure can't do that! I'm not the personality type. I'm always either too casual or too into them.

Um, I'm happy alone... I'd be happier in a relationship with the right person.

I'll only use someone to get an emotional high... if we can get high together.

Actually, any attempt at starting a relationship has always led to considerable heartache an my part... so I don't think my motivation is very selfish.

Using someone to pull you out of a depression, I don't think that'll ever be a start of a good relationship.

I have a desire to be in a relationship with someone of quality... I am not depressed because I can't find one.

It would be nice to confide in someone who really understands from time to time... which I think is one of the great benefits of being in a relationship.

I don't know... I think wanting a relationship should be more about... I really like this person and who they are... more than I really need this person to like me. When that need is either controlling or just desperation... for what almost seems like a commodity.... when that need is fulfilled... throw away the person.

This is an interesting idea Ragtime... I've thought along this line before...

I just started a 'relationship' with the girl i went to the senior prom with. She had a BF a while ago, but he turned out to be bad, im a decent person and will treat her right. I needed a relationship, but have known her long enough to know that im happy with her, and i think shes happy with me. I want to have a good time together with her, we chill on weekends (as we have opposite work sceduals and she has a baby at home). I know its not about me just being happy and using her because its very difficult for me to engadge in something like dating. I will work very hard and spend $$ to do the right thing. It indeed will test my patence, but its worth it cause we can make eachother happy.

This is interesting to read, since I just started dating someone. She's seems friendly and affectionate (i.e. she's easy to talk to, and enjoys hugging, holding hands, etc.), and I like spending time with her. But for the past few weeks, I've been feeling under the weather, for reasons I couldn't pinpoint. So now, I find myself wondering whether I'm dating her because I want a relationship, or because I'm hoping to regain some happiness in my life. I really don't want to use that girl, because she's a very nice person, and I'd feel bad if I hurt her, but I also don't want to be unhappy. It's definitely a moral dilemma. For now, I plan to keep seeing her; my logic is that I'm treating her very well, that she gets to enjoy the relationship too, and that I genuinely like her. But do you think I'm doing the right thing?

My husband is Aspie.

He first asked me out because (in his words) he was a 22 year old virgin and he wanted to lose his virginity and he thought I had great breasts!

He ended up marrying me!

Helen

wow...I wish I could do that...and it would work...

lol.

For an aspie this seems strangely apropos.

Weirdly, I think the difference for me is that if i really do want a real relationship that hopefully lasts a while, I ask out someone I really do like in that way. Otherwise I'll ask out some random girl on a date or two cuz dates pass time and all, and with the wonders of adult dating, one date≠relationship.

I just want to have an intelligent conversation with the nice girl, and well, whatever comes next. Love, perhaps. But I end up falling for girls who don't like me, or I screw it up. Damnit!

I guess, for now, yes. I, myself, broke off my own engagement a couple months ago -- so you can image what a total emotional about-face I had done! I felt like I didn't really know who I was, because one day I'm totally ready to get married, and then a few days later, I'd experienced 72 straight hours of complete apathy about her! That was really scarry, because it's a "something is very wrong here" moment.

Maybe my theory about fulfilling emotional need / equilibrium is related to the Lord Acton paraphrase "Power corrupts...", because "power" is about not needing anyone anymore, to various degrees. So, emotional self-suficience is a kind of power. And the general idea is that power makes one more detached from others, so that one's own desires increasingly become more focused upon and "important" than other people's wills. So, a healthy relationship would need a "balance of power" between the two people -- being on the same plain. Typically, it is relationships where one individual has more power than the other which become abusive relationships, simply because of the imbalance. A slight imbalance wouldn't be a big deal, as it is indeed common in stable marriages across the country, and, indeed, is simply more common and naturally occuring than absolute equilibrium. Sort of like dancing -- it flows best when one person gently leads.

Well he obviously didn't tell me until we'd been going out for about 1 year!

Ragtime, I think you're putting too much thought into this. I started dating my husband because I thought he had a cute bottom. He liked my breasts!

Great motivations.

We had lots of fun together and then fell in love.

We've been married for 12 years - together for 15 and have 3 sons.

We still find each other physically attractive and are always seeking to make life better for each other. We are each other's number 1 fan.

Helen

You must be the first woman to fall in love with a guy who sexually harassed you...

You lucked out; congratulations. Not much thought was required, so you recommend others not put much thought into it. But every person and experience is different.