I miss what dating used to be like

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When I turned 20, my 'friends' dragged me to a fetish club. I was happily hiding out in a corner by myself when someone decided to start bullying me about it. He pushed me to go talk to girls, saying he won't leave me alone until I do. He smelled bad, so I did...

I walked up to a woman and asked her to dance. To my shock and dismay, she said yes. Ended up giving me her number. We went on one date, but a few weeks later she slept with my best friend.

I started going to the same place every weekend. It became my laboratory. I approached every person I saw and just struck up conversation. I kept a meticulous journal, and started using that to finally start cracking the code on interacting with humans. At first it was brutal. There were days I was so nervous I would throw up in the bathroom, I resorted to drugs and alcohol, and was an absolute mess. But no matter what, I forced myself to approach anyways. Most people were visibly disgusted by me. But within 3 months, I was clearly above average, even compared to NTs, at talking to people. I learned to be charismatic. I read books about body language and communication. The whole thing became my special interest. I even got a sales job and dominated in that role!

But it was always superficial in a way. Women usually like me for a few months, and then they either cheat or disapear. I never know *why*. I don't know what I do wrong to drive them away. I guess the mask is a turnoff, but dropping the mask is a bigger turnoff.

This was before the days of #metoo. I would be terrified to try that now.

Btw, the fetish community is FULL of autists. It's like a very weird fandom. Or was. The community around here sucks now but it used to feel so safe.

I stopped doing all that stuff years ago. I have since regressed dramatically. Several bad breakups sent me down a dark spiral and my social skills are worse than ever. I don't think I could still approach people even if it was socially more acceptable again.

How are you supposed to meet people?

The places you went to are for promiscuous people. If you want anything loyal or lasting you won't find that in a bar or a club.

Yeah, #metoo is quite a drag. Even I got the molester/rapist label once.

I don't look at social interactions just as masking. If I'm asking a person questions, it's because I want to get to know them - not just because I'm copying something neurotypicals would do.

The fetish/kink community can sometimes be difficult for people on the spectrum, since those are very contextual grey areas topics. Those topics can be desirable one moment and inappropriate the next, and it can be confusing for people on the spectrum to know the difference.

I used to be afraid of the impact #metoo could have (i.e. women judging me if I talk to them, or ask them out on a date), and it turns out, that fear never really came true. Sure, some women weren't interested in talking to me, but I never had an outright bad reaction.

In general, I would try to just have a platonic small-talk conversation first to see if they're interested - rather than coming out the gate flirting with them. I'd ask for their number/socials if we get along well. I'd ask them to meet up. If they're not responsive, I just stop contacting them. (I don't say or allude to anything sexual until they do it). As long as you're not overtly romantic/sexual too early, not pushy, and you don't persist if they're not interested, there's no issue.

I meet people through dating apps. Yes, it involves lots of trial and error, rejecting, a few first dates that are meh, and you need to put a lot of time into taking pictures. But I met an awesome person on them.

As a victim of abuse, I’m extremely thankful for the #MeToo movement. It’s done a lot of good for a lot of people. I’m not sure what my life would look like if it hadn’t transpired.

I think that people may be more aware of red flags than in the past. As long as one strives to demonstrate respect, I don’t think that it should be significantly more difficult than before although every woman and every situation is different.

"What dating used to be like" means chatting people up in fetish clubs?
Wow, I feel old.

I thought you meant dating where a guy would ask a girl to dinner on Saturday, and he'd pick her up and meet her parents to make a good impression. Have her home by 11. That kind of thing.

I never had that kind of date in my life but I still like the vibe.

I don't follow politics so I didn't even know #MeToo was happening when it was, but I have to agree with TP that it's done more good for people than bad. It's brought awareness to very important topics which benefit all genders.

Men shouldn't be worried about the #metoo movement.

To put this in perspective, even the majority of men who commit sexual assault don't end up getting prosecuted. (So you're not going to get sued just for talking to a woman)

A guy's risk of getting rejected does not come close to the risk that women face with sexual assault.

As Margaret Atwood said:

“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

I too miss good ol' days when all you needed was your dating club and bridenapping sack. Tell her family only get one pig next time she bridenapped, not two and the chance to breed all lady-cattle with my family's strongest studs. I too am family's strongest stud. Tcktck. *finger guns*

Put aside dating....Speaking to any female F2F is fraught with potential minefield of misunderstanding

Nowadays my only voluntary interactions with females (other than family, co-workers and retail) is making way and opening doors and I notice younger females don't say thank you anymore. In some ways it does make me feel a little more comfortable when my 19 yr old wanders around Melbourne she is likely not to be accosted. But on the flipside it is a sad state of affairs.

Idk maybe you are going for the wrong girls, like if you are going for girls who hook up and such the hook up culture is quite shallow so if you are dating girls that are more involved in that it could cause some difficulty for someone whos not super conventionally attractive and is looking for something a bit more solid.

May be a good idea to explore what you are interested in and maybe find social groups for that, and you might meet a girl who shares interests with you and also would rather have a real relationship than just more shallow hook ups.

Using #metoo as an excuse for not talking to women is bs in my opinion.

Just don't be a pest, you'll be fine.

Glad you noticed too. I don't frequent them often, but they're amazingly easy places speak to people. All you need to do is not creep them out and you can completely skip the social gymnastics all together and go straight to last base in minutes. Some great looking and friendly women at them too.

It's a good confidence booster and most importantly, you'll learn about what desires a varied group of people like. Even within the same "fetish" there can be a lot of variation.

For an autistic, there's no getting around it. Many of us need think outside the box if we want to gain passable people skills in this regard. Too many people here think they can "phsyc" themselves up enough without leaving their bedrooms. Too many people in the autistic community giving too many pats on the back for negligible improvements.

Sacking it up and getting involved in a massive orgy from time to time is a big step forward, and will probably lead to much more significant improvement compared to setting a goal of speaking to someone at the bus stop every week.

The goal is to get rid of anxiety and improve skills after all.