I don't even know how to start.
My boyfriend broke up with me and nothing seems to make sense.
We're both autistic, adhd and we share a lot of common trauma.
I've been through a lot in my life, but I can say that, for the first time ever, I understood what happiness was when I was with him. Besides that, I was able to totally be myself, in the good and the bad... stim freely, say whatever it came to my mind... and he was always loving, having a beautiful comment to appreciate it, and shinning in his eyes when looking at me.
We've been dating for almost 2 years. Over one year living together in a tiny apartment (one room, one office). Over a decade of knowing each other and many years being best friends online.
The story starts many years ago...
PRE-RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
We have common interest/hobbie that we can call “job”, despite being officially unemployed. It is quite niche and we both stand out in the field in our own way. He way way more. But some people were already joking with things like “you're the same person in different gender.”
To the point that had our own projects, but we were working with each other all the time.
We became great friends online, because we are from different countries. On the course of our friendship, we only met once live briefly.
Our friendship was amazing and we refered to each other as “autistic twins”. We felt like we were the same and we could share anything with the other, barely have any disccusion or different opinions.
He's kind, funny, generous, and always tries to be a good person and do the right thing.
He had a very long term relationship with a girl, and I was in another relationship.
I noticed my romantic feelings, more than that great friendship, while we were both on those relationships. Mine was doomed to end. But I respected our parts and tried to fight the feelings.
I never expected his relationship to end, but it did quite of a “sudden” and took me by surprise.
I remember feeling a wave of emotions when he told, and not positive ones. I was shielding myself on “it's impossible, don't even bother”, and then he was available.
Shortly after, they came back together. But not for long, as it didn't work.
He wanted to be alone and said that they were not in love for many years, and were just best friends.
Through that period, he stayed in the common apartment and seemed to be doing well. They're to this day best friends. And she became my friend as well during our relationship. She's great.
Then he moved on his own, like he wanted. It was very hard for him to access to an apartment, due to his conditions, but he got a tiny studio.
He was able to focus on his activities and do things. He contacted people from the past, and tried to do social activities (which usually terrifies him) with them.
He revealed that he drank alcohol again (he had problems when younger, but was sober for over a decade) and was doing “fine”.
That didn't last long... maybe a couple of months or less. Then he started becoming more and more depressed saying things like he would never find someone.
In the meantime, I was still in that other relationship with many issues. While it was obvious it was going to end, I tried to save it.
He was listening to me, supporting me, and at times it seemed that he was “happy” that the end was coming for that relationship. But on the other hand, he seemed to be pushing me away for any romantic opportunity.
In the middle of it, he went to one social activity and there was a girl from his past, and she was hitting on him. He kinda miss it, while aware. And didn't make a move.
But after that, when the girl already lost interest, he became a bit obssessed trying to get her like it was his only chance to be with someone.
He kept making confusing comments that hint that he was interested in me as more than a friend, but also saying some harsh things to push me away.
My relationship ended for other causes, in good terms. So we were both single.
Then he went on a crazy spiral of drinking and reviving awful trauma from his past.
He was unaproachable. He stopped talking to me as usual (we talked mostly all the time everyday via chat) or would not stop talking to me.
I didn't know how to take it, but I was getting distance because I was feeling hurt and very confused.
One day, I took longer to answer because I was away, trying to disconnect actually... when I got online, he had said things like “I want to die”.
That was a true shock for me and I, for the first time, sent a voice message saying something like:
“You're amazing, there's many people that care about you. We love you. (that was my way of opening, but also not). If you want I'm here for you. If you do anything, I swear I'll take a plane and kick your ass.”
Days went by and his attitude was still very confusing. Getting drunk, and sending mixed signs.
Then one night, when I totally gave up. He wrote “have you been repressing feelings?” and I just said “what do you think” and his answer was “ok, then we're husband and wife now”.
And just like that, the fears of distance and any other obstacle, dissapeared.
We knew that we could make it work.
RELATIONSHIP
At the beginning, we didn't know how long I was going to stay every visit.
He said “I love you” before we even met in person. But we knew we loved each other.
He made space for my things so I could leave stuff there, and I was not expecting it.
The first visit was amazing and he was all shinny and magical. Everyone around was charmed by the romance and the happiness.
It was absolutly beautiful.
I stayed for less than a week.
When I came to my country, we stayed in touch like usual, but with a romantic approach.
I was afraid of how to handle it, to not overwhelm each other. Mostly him.
He was claiming to need to his space and all of that. And his apartment was tiny.
So I let that part to him, and he decided the next visit would be in two months.
That felt super long for me, but I respected that.
The first month was beautiful. On the second one: he went on a dark spiral and by the end of it, drank and revived his dark trauma again.
I didn't know, and I was not expecting it.
He revealed just some days before I had to fly there again. This time for 20 days.
When I got there, we talked about it, but we were too in love. That overshadow any issue.
The 3 weeks were amazing, and he decided to make it 20 days together, 20 separate.
So I commited to go back and forth to his place.
The next time... the first days again, the distance was still beautiful despite missing each other, but the thought of love was strong.
Just a week before I had to go: again drinking.
I don't remember how many times did that happen.
But after some, I noticed a pattern: he could not be alone.
Before that, we had a missunderstanding when I thought he didn't want to live with someone EVER. But he cleared out that he daydream with having a beautiful house with me, and even sent pictures.
In that last episode, he ended up in the hospital and I thought he died.
My whole world was destroyed in a second.
During all the time, he was overloaded with other projects and many issues from the outside. Including a narcissistic mom.
I reached out to her without knowing her more than his references. I asked for her help and he opened about a very deep traumatic event to her.
Her attitude confused me, but I was lost. She was not helpful, but she was acting like a saint. At that point, I didn't know she was narcissitic.
I also reached out to his ex girlfriend and she was the one that helped him that time. I'm very grateful for their friendship.
So yeah, the conclusion: he was not able to really be alone without getting in full depression and anxiety.
I went there and I told him in advance: hey, is it ok if I stay longer? Would you like to live together despite this apartment being tiny?
To my surprise: he agreed.
Our live was beautiful. He was healing and shinning. I was healing my own s**t as well.
We were making each other better persons and I could feel myself changing in many positive ways.
He decided to join my own personal project. It was his decision, but it felt amazing.
We were working well together and did something wonderful.
The process was tough, but we made magic.
I'm not at the same level as him, so I always felt like pushing myself more and more, for myself, but to make him proud.
As I say, I'm not at his level, and that became a bit of a conflict. Because he was pointing the flaws out, but didn't know how to do it without hurting me.
And sometimes, I took it personal even if I shouldn't.
With time, I learnt how to handle it and I thought it was just beautiful to work with the people I loved the most.
I was able to stay there around 3 months on each visit. The I was going briefly to my country and going back to him.
Except one time, the rest were quite the same. The first days was like “yeah! I can be alone, I'm gonna hyperfocus on my interest while I miss you!” But then he would not pay attention to his routines, not sleep, eat properly, and ended up going to his usual excuse to drink with that trauma.
And I say “excuse” because at that point, there was no external triggers and now it seems that his own depression made him use that argument to selfharm and torture himself.
We focused on closing projects, clearing the agenda and trying to be happy.
That year was hard for me as well, with many health issues, putting out my project with a lot of problems in between (and lack of money, always present), personal losses...
There was a lot everywhere. But we loved each other, and he could make the room shine and make me forget about any problem.
He even suggested to get married early this year! It was a “casual comment”, but I asked him “are you proposing?” and he replied “maybe”.
We can't get married, but the thought was absolutly beautiful.
On the last months, his s**t went overflowing... too many things for him. Including our common project being finally presented (and him having doubts about my skills, which I accepted even if it's painful), and his mother pressuring him to take harmful decisions for his life. She's been a constant trigger for his anxiety and burnouts.
We had a huge discussion one week before presenting our project to the world for real.
We were tense, I made some questions, and he was feeling guilty for being honest. But I accepted that.
Then I missunderstood something. I thought he said “he was not proud of me”, and I was so shocked that, for the first time, I went to the other room to the sofa to sleep.
It's a tiny apartment: one room and one office.
He cried and I could hear him. That was new. He was crying because of us, and that never happened before.
In the morning, we cleared out the situation and I felt awful for it to be a missunderstanding. He spent the day away (we usually were in the same place all the time, one in the room, the other in the studio). And when he came back, he was still shaking and feeling very weak.
I was scared.
I tried to make him undesrtand that it was ok, that I missunderstood and that we love each other.
That week he was distant, but loving.
The day of the presentation for our project came, and for me it was like a dream: doing what we love the most, with whom we love the most.
He was nervous and thought I was angry at him for not being super active, but no! I wanted him to enjoy the moment.
I thought we had fun, despite the tension.
BREAK-UP
The day after: he called me to lay in bed and hug, and he told me to break up.
I can't remember anything. It's so blurry.
I remember the shock, my veins freezing, the blow in my head and not understanding anything that was going on.
He said that he loved me, but he could not be on a relationship. I thought he was “considering” and that night I barely slept, but thinking “we'll talk in the morning”.
That night, I tried for him to make a list about things that he loved about me, and things that he didn't like. To try to understand what could be wrong.
The negative list had only one basic thing that I can't remember. The postive had plenty.
The morning came, and his attitude had changed, being more firm about it.
My shock was huge.
I never saw that coming. Some days before, he was the most loving and making plans for the future. And now he was saying that he loved me, but in a different way??
And he was saying “there was an open door”. He was also saying that we were building something beautiful together, a life together. That his feelings were real. That I'm still “his favorite wife” (a inside joke that we had).
He cleared out that he wanted to keep our project together, and wanted me in his life, that no matter what we would be best friends. That we would see each other a lot.
I had plans to maybe go to my country around those days, and while he doesn't follow our agenda (his time management is awful), he had that idea haging around. But he did not count with the fact that we had a huge plan at the end of the month.
So he decided to let me be there for a whole month!! !! ! Until our plans were over.
I thought he would tell people, but he only told two people and because it came a bit forced in the moment. During those days, I was casually asking if he had told someone, and he would get pissed off about it.
My question was aimed because I was totally lost and I needed to talk with someone to understand the situation. I wanted to talk with his ex, to see if she would help me understanding the nonsense.
Early after that, I decided to go out for a whole day, to clear my mind out.
He was talking to me all day through chat, mostly about our hobbie (which I consider love-language, because it is infodumping), and he even asked me if I was going there to have dinner with him.
But he would not open his heart about his feelings or reasons for the decision.
During all the time, he ocassionally said “I love you” back to me, or on his own. He was hugging me and looking for my hugs, cuddling.
He would not kiss me.
We had sex once, but I felt horrible afterwards and told him that I could not engage on that if we were not a couple.
He was there, petting me and being nice. Taking care of me.
He asked me very politely and sweet to stop making self-deprecating jokes about the topic. Because I was doing it, I admit it. I didn't know how to cope.
And he said that was harmful for me, for him, and was hard for him because it felt like extra pressure. I tried my best to not do them because I realized he was right.
At some moments he seemed destroyed, in others, he acted cold, and when I showed myself confused by the situation, he said things like “I don't know”, “people break up all the time”.
In the meantime, he seemed to be looking for opportunities and plans for me to go there, professionally and not. Then he would say things like “many people go back together after breakups”.
It felt like he was still treating me like a girlfriend, but except kisses and more intimacy... I've seen couples less close to each other.
Nobody has suspected anything. The ones that know, are in absolute shock for his decision and thinking that he's overwhelemed and will change his mind.
One day, he was heated and revealed to me that he had issues with me not taking responsability sometimes due to trauma.
I admited that I have that issue, but I was not aware that it was a problem to condition our relationship.
I have suffered a lot of things and sometimes, my first reaction when I do something wrong unintended, is to deny it. It is unconcious and due to deep trauma.
I was not aware until he approached me ONCE with loving arms saying “hey, you're doing this”, and then I understood.
But just once, and in a loving way, long time ago.
He said that he intended to say it over chat when I was gone. I could not believe it.
A whole month asking for reasons for the breakup and it felt like a poor excuse made in the moment.
It is a fair thing to not want on a relationship, but I never had a warning!
During our trip for that big event, I was reading on this forum about “aspie breakups” and I ended up telling him. His answer was “ah, so I'm not that special...”
After that big event, I went back to my country.
It was awful. The day before, we rested at his place and we were both horny. We're still attracted to each other very much. He made a comment implying that we could have sex, but I rejected reminding that I want a relationship.
The last night there, he insisted on reading a cute book that we were using before for me to learn his language, and that I stopped using after the breakup.
The last thing I said before the train door closed was “I love you” and he replied “I love you too”.
I was still very hopeful. I've always been hopeful that he would change his mind, dragge me to his body and kiss me. But that didn't happen.
I left. As soon as I left, he started chatting to me like usual. It took him maybe... 2h??
The close people who knows, was expecting him to miss me and realize his mistake kwowing that he's overwhelmed by many things. To the point that they were joking on making bets to see how long it would take. I had hopes, but also know that he's stubborn.
He hyperfocused on his own project, being very creative and sharing it with me over chat... and guess what happened the next day?
Alcohol poisoning. I called him and he was shitfaced and going over and over his trauma, to the point that I contacted his ex, told about our break up and everything to ask for help.
She could not access to the apartment, so it's been two days of nonestop drinking.
Yesterday, he answered my call and I managed to hold him for 4 hours until she arrived.
He was going on his trauma, confesed that he met someone on the street that reminded him about that trauma when I was still there (and he didn't share) and now he was on full “revenge mode”.
But he also said that he was not happy or has been, despite me being great. And that's a lie, I know that.
He's been saying things like he's an awful person and a “wolf” and blahblah, nonsense while drunk because he can't face it when sober. He would never act like that sober.
He also goes on and on about not wanting to hurt the people that he loves, which includes me, his ex and few others.
He's the sweetest creature and would not ever want to harm someone, but when he drinks, his rage on that topic goes crazy and he shittalks about “getting revenge and justice”.
His ex took him to the hospital, but the psychologist didn't listen to his trauma. That affected him a lot.
She respected his wishes to be alone during the day, but with the idea of coming back later.
His narcissistic mother appeared to ask for selfish favors, and “casually” and he managed to drink some leftovers that he had hidden from his ex and got drunk again.
In the meantime, I called him again and the conversation was mostly about his current status, but also confronted him about he sending mixed ideas with his actions, and he said he only wanted to confort me and make me feel better with his decision.
I should have not brought that topic in this sensitive moment. He said that his decision has nothing to do with that trauma and drinking. It's a separate topic.
But on the same conversation, he also said “you'll be my little hedgehog forever”. Which is the main cute thing that we called each other.
I don't know what's going on. After the last conversation I have lost my hopes, at least for the moment.
I'm in love with him, I want to be with him and I know he can overcome the darkness.
I still don't understand where his decision comes from, and everything seemed masked by this trauma and drinking. But focusing on my relationship: I don't know what to think.
Has he been so overwhelmed that he has flipped? Is it the burnout? Is he not in love with me for real? Why does he say anything about an open door? Why does he “confort me” in such a close way, but he was determined to stop my life in a different country and abandon everything because of his decision?
Am I too autistic and not understanding the nuances?
I feel like I'm going insane.
Last edited by littlehedgehog on 03 Aug 2024, 4:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
03 Aug 2024, 3:18 pm
