Confused: ex says I'm abusive and wants me to "reflect"

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I'm sorry this is kind of long. There's no real way to TL:DR.

I was friends with this woman for fifteen years and then in February we told each other we have feelings for each other so we tried dating. We had a great friendship so I was really shocked and confused when everything nosedived and her entire personality suddenly changed. She became super paranoid and controlling. I spent five months walking on eggshells because everything I did was wrong: I was abusive, I was inattentive, I was dismissive, I was gaslighting her, etc. She’d explode at me randomly, and I never knew if I would do or say something that would trigger her. No apology I ever made was good enough and she held every mistake above my head. Everything I did was scrutinized to the nth degree and found lacking. Like, I made the mistake of telling her that I loved everything about the relationship we had and didn’t see the need to change that much. And that was wrong?

Other things she exploded at me for:
⦿ Not meeting her emotional needs and thus “forcing” her to get a therapist to help her because I was useless and didn’t understand her.

⦿ Asking other people for advice - she found and stalked my reddit (I did not give her the username) and saw that I made a post that peripherally mentioned her but was mostly about another friend and she was furious with me. It was all anonymous and no names were used. I’m still not sure why she was mad, but I didn’t make any posts asking for advice after that while we were dating.

⦿ Missing a message of hers because I was out with a friend - I suddenly had to tell her exactly who I was with and what I was doing at all times and never miss any of her messages. I also had to drop whatever I was doing when she demanded it. It was exhausting and inconvenient, but I tried my best.

⦿ Not feeling comfortable sharing something with her until I had all the facts vs telling her immediately it might be a thing - whenever she found out about something “after the fact” she would be furious with me, even if I didn’t tell her because I didn’t have all the details yet. Like, for example, if I had nebulous plans or was unsure of my feelings. She demanded I tell her everything that was going on in my life and how I thought/felt about it but shared nothing with me beyond that she was "jealous and upset" and it was my fault.

⦿ Having friends/family. She literally asked me to rank all my relationships. And tried to argue why she should be the number one most important person in my life…while using everything she knew about my friends and family to tell me how terrible they were in comparison. She actually messaged some of my friends she knew peripherally in order to try and turn them against me.

⦿ She would constantly complain to me that she was upset and jealous, but never why. At first I would ask her what she wanted me to do about it, but she would never respond. So instead I started apologizing and saying I didn’t know how to help her. Which was “invalidating” and “dismissive.”

⦿ Anytime I pushed against expectations I thought were unhealthy or unrealistic, or asked the wrong questions about why she wanted what she was now demanding she’d get mad and insult me - because apparently I’m “too autistic” to understand how relationships work and also an unfeeling robot and I couldn’t possibly understand her because I don’t have a heart.

Anyway, I told her we needed to break up and we needed space because I was tired of feeling on alert and the constant…I’m not sure what it was, but it was eating at my confidence. I was asking my friends and family if they thought I was abusive or had anger issues because she told me I was abusing her. And that all I ever did when she “pointed out problems in our relationship” (the ones above) was get angry and shut down. Which she was right. She’d make unfair accusations or demands and then I’d get mad…and need time to process which probably felt like the silent treatment. But that doesn’t make me abusive, does it? I also have a terrible memory, it’s linked to my chronic pain, so I’d often forget to tell her stuff…or forget what I told her, but I don’t think that’s gaslighting? Is it?

I was still hopeful that after a break maybe she could come to her senses and we could be friends again. Since we’ve been friends for fifteen years and she’s never acted like this before. Anyway, during the break the only message I sent her was a happy birthday message. I didn’t want to upset her further, and I had no idea what would upset her…but apparently not doing anything was also the wrong answer? Because she sent me this message a few days ago and destroyed some of my stuff:

It sounds to me like your ex has some serious issues & changed or showed a different side to her personality once you were officially in a relationship. She's blaming you for all the issues while refusing to consider & accommodate you. She's the abusive one gaslighting you. My advice is to cut off all contact with her.

Sound to me like she wanted to change you and that doesn't happen in real life. Only in fictional stories and movies.

Now she is gaslighting you.

Beware. Stay away.

Thank you both! Staying away isn't an issue. She's already blocked me...not that I was planning to reply to the message. I just don't understand what I did wrong and how not to do it again.

sounds like ex did not have boundaries and expected a heck of a lot. Healthy relationships are not ones where we feel hounded, driven to constantly having to appease, and can't evade constant accusations, attacks and demands. Learning how to set personal boundaries as part of survival techniques is something that can help those of us who just want to get along.


I had to get therapy to learn healthy communication and how to recognize abuse, and how to make healthier choices for my life . Those were skills I did not learn growing up, and my rigid thinking kept me from realizing I could make other, healthier choices in how to respond to the demands from others.

Sometimes we learn "what not to do" , as I did with my first marriage, both people in any relationship need to work at finding ways to make the other happy. If one is unwilling to work at a relationship and is constantly blaming the other for everything wrong in the relationship, that is a pretty good sign the relationship is unhealthy. My ex told me the struggles in our relationship were all my fault, and refused to go to couples counseling. I went alone and learned that the problem with the relationship was not my fault.

I got new tools to recognize when I was being used, abused, manipulated, intimidated, how to set boundaries and how to communicate and respond to demands from others in healthy ways.

If you struggle with those things too, I can tell you counseling to learn better ways to "do life" saved my life and sanity.
Its OK to move on, its OK to reach out for help to strengthen your skills for doing everything in every day life.
For me there has been such relief of every day emotional pain and anxiety. Cheering you on.

Run, don’t walk, in the immediate opposite direction from her.

It sounds like your ex had emotional needs you could not meet. That’s not your fault and it does not in any way make you abusive.

It’s really not nice or helpful of her to call you “abusive” without strong reason. That is a word with seriously negative connotations and of course it would knock your confidence. You certainly did the right thing to end the relationship and remove yourself from those accusations.

If someone has needs that aren’t met in a relationship, they should state these clearly and work together with you to come to a compromise. It sounds like she jumped straight to attacking you. possibly because she has mental health struggles, or possibly because she is not used to dealing with people with autism and expected you to magically become a different person somehow.

Someone tried to do that to me years ago. I'd start running and not look back.

Thank you all for the advice and well wishes! It helps a lot to know it wasn't something I did wrong, but instead a compatibility issue. Which means I can focus instead on figuring out healthy relationships for the future rather than worrying about what I did.

It's kind of concerning that so many others have also dealt with this, but I guess it makes sense. Thank you all again!

This is something that some NT women do, and it's horrible. They believe that other people should just automatically know what they need, and then they get frustrated when people can't read their mind. They think you don't love them if you can't catch on to what they need just by watching them or something. I used to hear my mom say stuff like, "If I have to tell you, then it doesn't mean anything."

Thank you! My ex wasn't NT, but yes, I think you're right that was a huge part of our problem. I do not understand magical thinking like that. I didn't realize that being a mind-reader was part of dating, and apparently I'm really bad at it.

It's not part of a healthy relationship, but sadly there are a lot of people who have ridiculously high standards for relationships because they believe that romance is supposed to be like it is on TV all the time.

^Thank you!

Yeah, this is a form of toxicity right there.

And your friend needs some professional help. ._.