What Would Help You?

Post Reply New Topic

Dear All

I really need your help. I am in love with a wonderful neurodiverse man (undiagnosed) who I have been with for 4 years. We are about to settle down and buy an apartment together. The situation is interesting in that we have a long distance relationship and he intends to keep his current property and buy our apartment as a second home together. I am absolutely happy with this. It means he can make the change in his own time and retain control over his space, but it also makes me feel reassured that he wants to be with me. In general we work very well together and are similar in all sorts of ways.

My problem is that there are just some times when I feel pushed away and I would like to tell him, but I don't know how to phrase it without him feeling attacked. He is a very sensitive and intelligent man and I feel I need to tread carefully.

I will give an example. Sometimes I will ask him if he would like a drink and he will shake his head almost imperceptibly, as if it would pain him to speak to me. I feel pushed away, as if I am not worthy even of a verbal response, and it hurts. In a nutshell, I suppose these little things he does make me feel rejected and sometimes even unwanted. My question is: if your wife/partner wanted you to change something about yourself, how would you like her to phrase it? What would be most helpful for you?

I am truly grateful in advance for any thoughts or ideas on this. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post.

In the example, it's your inner dialogue that's causing the hurt.

I do this to my partner all the time (not answer questions) and the reason I do it is because I absolutely can't physically speak at that moment when put on the spot.
It's out of my control.

Have you asked your partner why he doesn't verbally answer?
Instead of assuming they're hurtful?

I was going to say the same thing. I'm guilty of being monosyllabic at times, or even mute. It's not a choice but I find speech and moving my face or making expressions very tiresome. Sometimes I'm just lost in my head and it's hard to snap out of it into my physical body to nod or shake. My son is the same way so I understand your point of view because it's frustrating when he does it to me, but I remind myself I do it myself to others.

Thank you, IsabellaLinton and Raleigh, that's really helpful because it gives me insight in to how he might be feeling.

I have to admit, I haven't asked him why he doesn't always respond verbally, although I feel sure that if I did, he wouldn't reply but would then look slightly apologetic. I would like him to be able to talk to me but sometimes I wonder if it's hard for him to decipher what he's feeling? I am always mindful to not push it if he doesn't choose to talk to me.

Anyway, those are really good, helpful thoughts - thank you.

Edit: It's also good feedback as then it makes me realise it's most likely not a rejection of me at all

My partner gets frustrated when I can't keep up with verbal conversations, so I'm starting to write what I want to say in written form. Then I let him read it and then we talk verbally once he knows what I'm struggling to say.

That's one strategy that helps.

That sounds like a very good idea

Just to clarify I was referring to deeper conversations and conflict resolution stuff rather than simple "yes" or "no" answers prewritten on paper lol. I'm sure you knew that but just making sure.

Oh yes, I understand. I think it's an excellent idea. Gives processing time, too, I think.