What was the right way to approach you?

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bee33
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08 Oct 2024, 7:30 pm

We've had quite a bit of discussion about how not to approach women if you're man (and it can work the other way too) to not be perceived as creepy. What are some examples of a man approaching you (or a woman approaching you), or when you approached someone with romantic intentions that were received positively? Can be a stranger, coworker, acquaintance, friend, etc.



MaxE
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09 Oct 2024, 4:53 am

3 times I've clearly been approached without having shown prior interest:

  • (6 years older) Walked up to me and told me she had schizophrenia. That didn't scare me off. After some time spent talking to me l, invited me back to her apartment. After some more time talking with me in her apartment, asked me if I wanted to f**k. EDIT this was at a Mensa function.
  • (6 years younger) Told her roommate she wanted a date with me, who then told me. Although a couple of years passed before she and I seriously dated.
  • (a couple years older, lived in the apartment complex I had just moved into, in the same stairwell) Kept calling out to me in the stairwell if she saw me or calling me on the phone when she saw I'd come home, until I got the idea.

There may have been one other example, also someone slightly older than I, but I don't recall details nor am I certain who made the first move.

EDIT I've been approached at least once by people in whom I had zero interest.


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09 Oct 2024, 1:41 pm

NO PICKUP LINES! (I can't emphasize that enough!)

Be straightforward: "Hi, I live/work nearby, would you be interested in getting coffee sometime?" Or, if there's something to talk about -- produce section of the grocery store, museum, playing or watching sports, etc. -- then a simple, light question to see if the other person is receptive to talking to a stranger. If it becomes an actual conversation, that's a great start. "Gee, I really enjoyed talking with you. Would you be interested in going out to lunch/dinner/coffee/a glass of wine sometime?" And if the answer is 'no', well, you still had a nice time, right? And maybe you run into each other again in 3 or 6 months and it turns out maybe now the answer is 'sure, let's have lunch tomorrow'.

Just remember that the other person does not owe you ANYTHING -- not their time, or attention, or anything more than basic civility as long as you don't cross a line -- and that will come across in anything you do say to them.


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Carbonhalo
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09 Oct 2024, 2:44 pm

I don't get approached very often.
The last time I had a woman spontaneously strike a conversation was between sets at a Cosmic Psychos gig.
I'd been dancing alone for the set when she walked up and said "are you here alone?
My first concern was that she thought I'd escaped from an institution. (She must have been half my age) But the ensuing conversation belied that. (I wasn't alone, but she was being social outside.)
This was the episode that made me spit the dummy and demand either date night once a month, or encouragement to go off with the next person who tried to pick me up.
(If you HAVE to know, her reply was "why not both?" and negotiations followed. No surprises that I love this one.)



cyberdad
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10 Oct 2024, 12:27 am

never once got approached Bee. But when I was in my 20s I gave off menacing skinhead vibes (way I dressed and shaved my head not my beliefs) so I supposed I terrified most girlies.



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11 Oct 2024, 9:26 am

No pick up lines. Take it slow. Let's be friends first. From the front.


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WantToHaveALife
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22 Oct 2024, 6:05 pm

bee33 wrote:
We've had quite a bit of discussion about how not to approach women if you're man (and it can work the other way too) to not be perceived as creepy. What are some examples of a man approaching you (or a woman approaching you), or when you approached someone with romantic intentions that were received positively? Can be a stranger, coworker, acquaintance, friend, etc.


oh please, men will always be stuck with that role whether they like it or not



bee33
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22 Oct 2024, 7:41 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
bee33 wrote:
We've had quite a bit of discussion about how not to approach women if you're man (and it can work the other way too) to not be perceived as creepy. What are some examples of a man approaching you (or a woman approaching you), or when you approached someone with romantic intentions that were received positively? Can be a stranger, coworker, acquaintance, friend, etc.


oh please, men will always be stuck with that role whether they like it or not
There are examples even in this short thread of men being approached by women.



MatchboxVagabond
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22 Oct 2024, 8:33 pm

bee33 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
bee33 wrote:
We've had quite a bit of discussion about how not to approach women if you're man (and it can work the other way too) to not be perceived as creepy. What are some examples of a man approaching you (or a woman approaching you), or when you approached someone with romantic intentions that were received positively? Can be a stranger, coworker, acquaintance, friend, etc.


oh please, men will always be stuck with that role whether they like it or not
There are examples even in this short thread of men being approached by women.

I suspect that a lot of it comes down to specific attractiveness, local customs and number of decent prospects initiating as well as just the specific power imbalance in the circle you're in.

Personally, women wanting to approach me had to manage to be obvious enough that I realized I was being hit on , without being crass, rude or cornering me.



Escape1894
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22 Oct 2024, 10:04 pm

I’ve never been approached and I also have never approached someone as well.



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22 Oct 2024, 11:26 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
No pick up lines. Take it slow. Let's be friends first. From the front.


Prefers this method......but have occassionally inserted myself into a conversatiom..nut without any sexual intention..
N sure if this was naivete on m part or just ptrying to be friendly.. But did get my late most wonderful husband.
He usedthat technique on me....And ended up for coffee thn a drink befote, we started dating. :heart:


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Benjamin the Donkey
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22 Oct 2024, 11:47 pm

bee33 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
bee33 wrote:
We've had quite a bit of discussion about how not to approach women if you're man (and it can work the other way too) to not be perceived as creepy. What are some examples of a man approaching you (or a woman approaching you), or when you approached someone with romantic intentions that were received positively? Can be a stranger, coworker, acquaintance, friend, etc.


oh please, men will always be stuck with that role whether they like it or not
There are examples even in this short thread of men being approached by women.


Every relationship I've had has started withbthe woman approaching or initiating conversation with me. I'm not good at that at all.

Unfortunately, in the past I often couldn't tell whether a woman was flirting with me, even if it was absurdly obvious to others. So she would have to be very clear and direct to get the desired result.


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QuantumChemist
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23 Oct 2024, 8:06 am

I have been approached by women in the past. Unfortunately they did not realize that I have a terrible time in reading flirting cues, so I just talked to them. Usually they got bored with me and would find another to go after. I even got kidded by my friends in grad school on how blind at the game I am. I became friends with a couple of the women that approached me, but not for any romantic reasons. It is the stalkers in grad school I could have done without.

As for the correct way to approach me, I do not think I really have one anymore. Maybe at one time I did, but now too much time has passed to know.



WantToHaveALife
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26 Oct 2024, 10:13 am

bee33 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
bee33 wrote:
We've had quite a bit of discussion about how not to approach women if you're man (and it can work the other way too) to not be perceived as creepy. What are some examples of a man approaching you (or a woman approaching you), or when you approached someone with romantic intentions that were received positively? Can be a stranger, coworker, acquaintance, friend, etc.


oh please, men will always be stuck with that role whether they like it or not
There are examples even in this short thread of men being approached by women.


yeah but that will always be in the minority



babybird
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26 Oct 2024, 11:40 am

bee33 wrote:
We've had quite a bit of discussion about how not to approach women if you're man (and it can work the other way too) to not be perceived as creepy. What are some examples of a man approaching you (or a woman approaching you), or when you approached someone with romantic intentions that were received positively? Can be a stranger, coworker, acquaintance, friend, etc.


I think the best way to approach me is very slowly

I might come off as bullish but due to years of neglect and isolation as a young person I'm likely to either run away or even more worrying stuff than that


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Jakki
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26 Oct 2024, 1:00 pm

ANALYSIS Paralysis.....it can be tough being a Aspie


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