Advice regarding girlfriend

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Hello everyone, I'm new here.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years now. She has two kids from a previous marriage, a girl of 17 and boy of 10. Generally our relationship has been very positive , and we often have a great time together , and usually get on well. She is bright, fun, witty and cute.

When we started dating , I wasn't aware of any diagnoses in her family. But a couple of years back, her son was diagnosed as being on the spectrum , after having had a lot of meltdowns at home , and showing some learning difficulties at school. He and I get on really well , and he is often fun to be around, even if his topics of conversation are very limited.

More recently, my girlfriend has had problems getting on with her teenage daughter - meltdowns, arguments, refusal to do chores , getting upset over tiny things , reluctance to go to school, despite being very bright, leaving mouldy food in her bed, being hostile to visitors etc. My girlfriend is currently investigating an autism diagnosis for her too, and going to family therapy with her too, to try and sort things out

The reason for my post, though, is more to do with my relationship with my girlfriend.


Although my girlfriend doesn't tend to see it, her behaviour is often quite similar to that of her daughter. They look alike , and behave similarly . She can see that her daughter is displaying some autistic traits, but often cannot see the same traits in herself.

My girlfriend is very change averse , and likes her routines . This sometimes causes problems in our relationship , because we don't live together , and therefore me being around her automatically causes routine changes , which can be difficult for her, and can sometimes leave me feeling left out, and not wanted around at her house.

Although we agree and share a lot of interests in a lot of the same topics , especially factual topics like science and history, we often run into problems with regard to emotions, family and relationships.

She understands her own emotions OK, and will often clearly signal when she is upset or distressed , which allows me to comfort her, and I seem to have a fair degree of success at doing that. But she has much less success emotionally supporting me, when things are going wrong in my life. Even if the nature of the problem is something she has had direct experience with , and I have comforted her about it before , she often does not seem to understand that it might be appropriate for her to comfort me about it in return . This sometimes leads me to feel that she doesn't care about me , or is being selfish , but thinking about her wider behaviour , that isn't generally the case.

She has problems with reciprocity , and sometimes doesn't understand when it is appropriate to show gratitude to your partner , or apologise , or give them a gift. For example, on a first Christmas together she barely gave me anything as a present, even though I bought her lots. It seems as though she doesn't understand the emotional impact of her actions on others , even though she understands very well the emotional impact of those same things on herself, and keenly points it out if her needs haven't been met.

Discussing these issues historically hasn't helped. She often feels criticised and under attack , and isn't really able to explain her behaviour, or why she expects differently to what she gives. It often causes problems in our relationship when she expects emotional support from me , but isn't able to return it.


I have tried to have conversations about these things with her , but in general she finds any conversations about our relationship stressful . Even when I try and discuss these sort of topics in an analytical , non-judgmental way , she still feels criticised , and quickly comes to the conclusion that I am unhappy with her behaviour in the relationship , that she is 'not good enough' for me. If I am not careful, she will soon get the idea that we should break up, because she is not having success meeting my needs. There are lots of wonderful things about our relationship , but it would be nice if we didn't have these kind of disagreements over what is appropriate behaviour in the relationship , about once every three weeks or so

I have wanted to raise the topic of autism with her, in her own context , for some time now. But I finally took the plunge last weekend, after we again had a disagreement with each other. I didn't know how she would react , but she actually took it very calmly, seems to have embraced the idea, and is now pursuing an assessment on her own behalf.

I would appreciate any tips anyone has for how we can handle these challenges around reciprocity and emotional support. Discussing things with her does not typically help, because she feels criticised and 'not good enough' . Most of the time we get on really well , and I tell her how much I appreciate her (many) positive qualities . But it has got to the point where , if I have a bad day , or something goes wrong in my life , I have started avoiding telling my girlfriend about it. Because I know she will not be able to comfort me , and it will grate.

Aw and that's not fair on you

I'm a bit similar because I'm quite liberal with my attention on other people but I do keep my problems to myself because I know the people around me just don't seem to have the capacity to reciprocate

It's a tough one because you're caught in a situation where you don't wanna upset the applecart so to to speak

I mean if you've already done the really hard job of getting her to look into autism for herself then maybe you could slowly help her to work on her empathy....it does seem like an empathy issue to me

I wish you both well

I'm on the other side of this question. I have difficulties determining when and how to show support and I tend to collapse when this is pointed out. Whenever she wants someone to sympathise or console I'm trying to find solutions. It is SO hard with her interstate for months at a time dealing with a dying father and a mother with dementia. I never seem to be able to come up with the right thing to say. If I was there I know she'd be happy with a hug, but with a surprising lack of support from the rest of her family, I am distressed that I cannot comfort her effectively, even with her 35 years of experience with my shortcomings.
I too have extreme difficulty with gift giving (and receiving for that matter.)
I hope you can extract the support you need and that you can learn to be happy with however much she can give. If she's anything like me she probably loves you dearly, and is disappointed with her inability to react appropriately.
I'm afraid I can't really think of any helpful advice except to say you're not alone with this dilemma.

Hi Carbonhalo

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It was useful and interesting to hear your perspective , from the "other side " of the equation, as you say.

I always find it slightly puzzling what the actual mental process is that my girlfriend experiences, when I tell her some bad news . Your insight that you are often frantically trying to find solutions was helpful.

There was a good example in my relationship a couple of years ago, when my teenage daughter , who has her own troubles , ran away from home, and couldn't be contacted by phone or text. My girlfriend was the first person I phoned, and obviously I was very distressed about what had happened, and wanted to find my daughter. By contrast , my girlfriend seemed not worried at all, she thought it was a prank , and didn't think I should do anything , and that eventually she would be forced to come home, and everything would be OK. I disagreed, and thought it was imperative to find her , and make sure she was safe before night fell. I wanted to phone the Police, but my girlfriend was against it. As the father , I quickly decided I was going to do it my way regardless , and did phone the Police. They were concerned too, and sent out two officers to help look for her. We did eventually find her , but my girlfriend wasn't really supportive at all, either emotionally or practically, in relation to this incident . She knows my daughter , they have met lots of times , but she didn't seem to care very much , on that occasion, about what was going on for her, to cause her to run away. I was disappointed, to say the least , by her response to the situation, and it caused problems in our relationship.

Strangely, though , she is a very engaged Mum herself , and I know that if one of her children ran away, she would be highly distraught , and telephoning me for comfort and support and potentially practical help , which I would give happily, because I would understand the gravity of the situation . But when the boot is on the other foot, she often struggles to respond appropriately .

I have obviously explained all of this to her , when we discussed the event afterwards. But it is somehow as if I am talking Japanese when we dicuss such topics - she just clams up , and can't explain why she didn't see the seriousness of what could have happened to my daughter in the moment .

Even the act of having those sort of conversations seems to be hugely deflating for my girlfriend. It seems to make her feel like a failure , and she takes it very personally. As said previously , overall I am happy with our relationship , but these moments where she doesn't seem to care...cause me to doubt her feelings for me.

I have even sometimes suggested things she could say , or things she could do, in certain types of situations to make me feel better . But even though she recognises at the time I suggest it that these would be good things to say/do, when the occasion arises, she still doesn't seem to manage to recall them , and put that into action.



It does feel as if this is something we should discuss and work on together . But talking about it upsets her so much, it is very hard to do so. If anyone has any ideas of better ways to address topics, so they aren't so triggering for her ...that would be helpful.

Hi babybird

Thanks for your reply and your well wishes

There's definitely an issue with empathy there somewhere , but I struggle to pin down the source of it.

For example , my girlfriend and I once came across a man lying in the street , and she was immediately concerned, and went to his aid . So she is not an uncaring or uncharitable person. In many aspects , she is very public spirited .

I more lean towards the idea that somehow she just doesn't manage to identify , in some situations , that this is a situation where she needs to show empathy , and so she doesn't. Which , if it happens enough times , starts to lead you to worry that she doesn't really care about you. I don't think that's the case , but if she misses her cues often enough, it is hard to suppress that feeling.

Regarding the girlfriend's daughter, I would not be so quick to jump at a suspicion of autism. Sounds like it could be Borderline Personality Disorder. I've been there with a teenage daughter.