How to force myself to stop obsessing over marriage and...

Post Reply New Topic

Motherhood?

More specifically, stop obsessing over marriage and motherhood ambivalance?

I cannot make up my mind about any of these things and it's just dragging me down!! !

And now that I am actually engaged I MUST make that big choice about whether to get married or not!

Please help me overcome this!

Toss a coin !

(Oh...and isn't ambivalance a reversible bedspread?)

Wait, I'm confused, I thought agreeing to be engaged was agreeing to be married?

Anyway, when it comes to difficult decisions there's lots of options. You can weigh the pros and cons. You can try using techniques like motivational interviewing to see if you actually want the things you're over-thinking or if you're simply trying to please your partner. A therapist would probably be able to help better than we can there. As Carbonhalo suggests you could just leave things to chance. If you want to not think about these things entirely I've found that redirecting myself to think about a special interest instead can sometimes help. It might not work for everyone.

But I completely understand being on the fence when it comes to marriage and children. To me: sometimes they seem like really amazing ideas and something I want...and other times they're an overwhelming change that seems like too much.

Have you talked over your concerns with David? What are you most afraid of?

Yes, that's the whole point of getting engaged, otherwise there wouldn't be any engagement, you'd just immediately go to the justice of the peace or one of those chapels and get hitched. Often times there's rules in place to enforce some sort of minimum waiting period to try and avoid people getting drunk and then married.

So an engagement is an agreement to think about getting married? I thought it was like a planning period after you already agreed. Especially since weddings are often a whole big event and people want family and friends there. That wouldn't be possible without at least a few weeks of planning and the need to announce plans for marriage in the first place.

Sorry to get off topic, Mikurotoro, but I'm curious about how this all works.

In Western culture there's no formal definition of engagement. People used to sit for engagement photos and publish them in the newspaper. If you did that, you'd be taken seriously.

Nowadays, you aren't formally committed to marriage unless you've planned a wedding, and sent invitations. But of course you can always just get married whenever the mood strikes at City Hall or a wedding chapel in places where they have those.

Having said that, I'll also add that nobody should feel totally obligated to get married. I guess you could be perfectly happy just being engaged.

An engagement is a promise to get married and it usually includes a sense of what the time-frame is. The only real commitment at that point that you don't have with "going steady" is that there tend to be contracts signed for services related to the wedding that can be hard to get out of and depending on how far you are into it, there can be reputational damage from backing out. Up to the point where you're literally being asked if you marry them, you can back out at any time.

It seems like this is your mind telling you that you moved too quickly towards engagement.

I think just recognizing that you're having those thoughts and let them pass through is probably the only thing that people can really do from a practical standpoint. The more you try to stop those thoughts, the worse it gets. This isn't really that much different from intrusive thoughts.

Well I found articles online which might help with the "analysis paralysis" (ambivalance) issue and pull me out of that state so I can FINALLY begin to move forward with confidence!! !

But it is hard to make the choice because either way it's a catch-22 scenario!

Think about it...

If I decide to get married I will have to sacrifice living with my brother

But on the other hand if I decide not to get married I will have to sacrifice David AND my main goal!! !

I don't know what to do?

Maybe the correct way to approach this is by weighing the risks vs. reward of each choice until I can come to a final decision?

The real question is:

What am I giving up more of:

My brother or Marriage?

I think you still have lots of time to figure things out. You’ve not been seeing David that long. Rushing into marriage doesn’t seem like a good idea. After some time has elapsed, you’ll likely have a clearer idea of what you want. I wouldn’t be open to marrying someone unless we had been together for at least a couple years first and spent some of that time living together, not that I’m especially keen on the idea of remarrying. Obviously, everyone has different takes on this stuff, but marriage is a big step. There’s no need to rush it.

^he is the one who wants to rush into marriage and children

I am trying to take my time with getting to know David more before getting into a legally-binding contract like marriage

But thanks to societal pressure and seeing marriage-related stuff online like wedding dresses that is kinda pushing me towards that...

I know weddings are glamorized and hyped up, but some things to keep in mind: You’ll only wear the wedding dress once. Wedding ceremonies, including the reception, only last a few hours, and they don’t always go as planned.

The most important thing is the commitment, and it’s something you both need to be ready for and invested in. If he’s worth it, he’ll be okay with waiting until you are ready - even if it takes a year or two which would be completely normal.

If you aren’t sure, it’s a good sign that you aren’t ready and need more time.

Just my two cents.

I like to remind people that one of the leading causes of divorce is financial stress. So, with that in mind, does it really make sense to blow a massive amount of money on an engagement ring, tens of thousands on a wedding and then however many thousands on top of that for a honeymoon? The answer probably will depend a bit on the people involved, but folks should be aware that spending so extravagantly at the start doesn't guarantee a better marriage.

The thing is, both a wedding and honeymoon are once-in-a-lifetime events

That is the ONE time where you would want to go all out with extravagent spending!

I believe there is more to why people divorce like perhaps issues with compatibility or they cannot handle the demands of marriage

Money plays a very small role in it I think?

Not necessarily. It depends on what you like and want to spend your money on.

I never wanted a wedding because I hate being the center of attention, so for me personally, they are a waste of time and money. Other people with different personality types often have a completely different take on it. If I hadn’t been pushed into it, I wouldn’t have even gotten married.

Being a bridesmaid in my brother’s huge wedding wasn’t something I enjoyed although you’d never know it by looking at the wedding photos.

I don’t find weddings romantic because my idea of romance is more intimate. It’s about two people, no one else.

Financial issues can certainly put a big strain on a marriage. With that being said, people can have nice weddings without going all out and deep into debt.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 24 Dec 2024, 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.