Can Someone Help Me? LDR/Breakups

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Hey. I'm new here.

I'm here because I'm confused about a romantic "thing".

I met someone online last year and we have a common ground in art. It's what started our entire relationship. Over time he felt open to telling me that he is on the spectrum. Our friendship developed and then it was a very exciting romantic dynamic. Very.

We met in person and become a couple. I would drive to see him every few months (we live at a distance). It was the happiest I've ever been. He really let me be myself. The more I did the better it seemed. I adore everything about him. His finger patterns, his sense of humor, his opinions, his amazing talents, his nature, his everything.

When I went home each time he would disappear on me more and more. Like the worlds slowest ghosting. It hurt so bad.

I should say he is incredibly open and finds communication really important. He did his best (he said and I do believe) but as the distance from him grew and I expressed how I felt about it, he began to shut down even more.

He shared me leaving home was super hard on him and it opened the door for other unprocessed emotions. He became depressed. I did my best to study ASD and the complexity of how that could be affecting him so I could be better for him. I want so badly to be good to him.

Eventually despite all of my efforts he couldnt cope with his inability to respond or how it was hurting me so he broke up with me. It was hard for him but devastating for me.
He wanted to be friends. Honestly the only thing keeping me sane in the distance was knowing that he was out there wanting me just as much as I did him and it kept me hopeful. But he ended it then wanted me as a friend.
Despite knowing it would eat me up inside to do that I did it. I don't want to lose him. When I went to visit him again we ended up being intimate together. He initiated it. When i asked him what it meant he said he doesn't want a girlfriend. I was really hurt.
When I see him we do all the things we did before. He says he loves me still. Things feel exactly the same. But he doesn't want to be with anyone.

I'm confused. I'm sad. I don't know how missing me so much drives a break up and then this is how things are. Honestly he's so gone sometimes it feels like he's not even my friend anymore. But he says he still loves me?

I don't get it. The things that couples do are things that he says make him happy when we do them, but he doesn't want to be with me (or anyone). I'm lost and I don't know how to make sense of it and it's really tearing me up inside.

I know it's hard for him to really express what's happened or understand it himself as he's said. He shuts down (not on purpose) and it makes him feel bad. I don't want that. I just need to understand. It feels awful.

I was hoping maybe since someone could be an outsider looking in, there could be a more clear answer for me here. I cant get one from him and it stresses him out so badly (he gets headaches when he's emotionally stressed). I don't want to go, and he doesn't want that either. But this is hurting me more than I tell him because I don't want to cause him so much stress.

Can someone please help me?

Just how far away does he live?

You should simply announce that you're going to show up on some sort of regular basis then follow through. Don't give him the opportunity to overthink.

I wonder if he offically ended the relationship because he was overwhelmed by not having enough space or alone time. He liked having you as a friend & liked the idea of being intimate with you so he'd rather have a friends with benefits type relationship. Him insisting that your just friends despite him initiating sex makes me think FWB thing.

It sounds like you've been majorly trying to make the relationship work with him & I think most autistic guys guys or guys in general with other major disabilities/issues would be very lucky to have a partner who tries that hard. The downside is that only you trying too hard has made the relationship a bit one-sided & he thinks or expects he can have you on his terms. It's very important to set some firm boundaries if an FWB thing with him is not OK with you in order to avoid continuing to be used.

There are the odd few autistics who do find they need long recovery times between visits.

Can I explain something that might make sense. While I am personally not at all as extreme as the gentleman you mention, but I do find that for me there are two types of people. Energy givers and energy takers. (This is not in any way a reflection on how lovely and kind hearted you are, and what I am trying to explain also varies from person to person so one autistically minded man may not be able to cope with one certain lady as she may rob him of hi energy, but another artistically minded guy may find the same lady to be an energy giver so he relaxes and recharges being around you if that makes sense? It is not about love because they may seriously deeply love you!).
I have only really been "Steady" with a girlfriend twice in my life, and what I mean by steady, they were both non-sexual (Though with the first we were very close cuddling and kissing. With the second... She was autistic herself and non-contact, so for her, there was no kissing or cuddling involved. (Which to me meant I found it hard to connect and it felt more like a close friendship... Like a member of family rather than a lover? I eventually ended it, though it was long distance so mostly over the internet forum we were on and the telephone). Now for me, due to the first GF being an energy robber in that she demanded I was there with her daily even though I was both working full time and also living with my parents an hours drive away... But somehow, she not only wore me out, but I found after one day she suddenly ended it without telling me it was over... She and her family just cut all contact without warning. One day we were getting ready to be married. The next all contact was stopped. BUT six months later after it ended I found out she had also been dating others and being sexual the same time as dating me, as her male friends where we met on occasions as she said one was lodger were actually her lovers, so it explains an awkward moment when I kissed her when she pulled back and this lodger was looking odd at me as if I had done something wrong!
But what I am saying is, she was full on energy sapping so when the six months of dating ended, I was so drained, I really don't think I could have lasted with her. She was a full on attention seeker and child-like with it, demanding she be the centre of attention... (She was also a very poor communicator and lived a false life of lies. Rarely ever met anyone like that as I am very open if asked. I may struggle when explaining feelings into words... But I am overly truthful and way too honest which people have taken advantage).

Anyway. What I am saying is that it is similar (But not quite) to introverts and extroverts. Why I say not quite as there are the odd few extroverts who can be energy givers for an introvert, when there are also the odd few introverts that can be energy robbers for an introvert as well, so it does not quite always fit with the introvert/extrovert explanation, which is why I say energy givers and energy robbers.... And I am NOT BY ANY MEANS saying that if one person finds one character to be an energy robber, that the next person will find the same!

Think of it as jupigsaw pieces. Some fit into each other really well but do NOT form the same picture. Others look as if they form the same picture but simply don't fit! Is a case of finding the one who both fits and displays the right picture!
Hope this helps?

(Also I want to add that it could be he is going through burnout so could be going through a really tough time and be trying to remove all forms of stress (Not to say he does not love you). Burnout is like a mental breakdown where time is needed to recover... Though if he says he wants to stay friends, and you want to be closer and he can't cope, it puts you in a difficult situation).