Monogamy

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Are people even meant to be monogamous because the older I get the more I think we're not

No and I touch upon the reasons why on my new blog "Marriage & Motherhood Overrated"! !!

Marriage and Monogamy (the concepts) no longer make sense from a practical standpoint

Unless you like being voluntarily imprisoned...

*Tilts head* I hope you're ready for me to overthink this.

Meant is a curious word. Are people really meant to be anything?

Humans are typically socially monogamous. Not all, mind you, some people are polyamorous. I say socially monogamous since cheating behind closed doors definitely happens. Not everyone is faithful.

Ha. I can't type the word polyamorous without my brain singing 'let's get mischievous and polyamorous! Wine and women and wonderful vices, welcome to the cult of Dionysus!' Love that song.



Dionysus was the Greek God of wine, insanity and revelry. I suppose it's interesting that we see polyamoury as innately rebellious, hedonistic and inherently against the norm. That's not to say that it is but culturally it is certainly viewed that way by some.

There are animals that take monogamy to the extreme and once their life mate dies they won't search for another. Whereas, it's not that uncommon for people to start dating again after their partner dies.

Humans typically aren't bonded for life either. If a relationship isn't working out, they may search for another until they're happy.

This thread asks - is that our natural state? Well, do humans have such a thing as a natural state of being? How would we define that? Could we ever view that outside of what we've already established culturally as a society?

Monogamy is useful in the sense of being able to track bloodlines. Some animals are capable of reproducing asexually. There is an all female species of lizard that reproduces asexually. In such cases, volume is more important than genetic diversity. Whereas, in animals such as humans, genetic diversity is more important.

Inbreeding can lead to weaker offspring and problems that shorten the lifespan. However, outbreeding is also problematic. For example, a donkey and a Zebra can produce a Zonkey but a Zonkey is too unique to be able to successfully breed with anything.

OK, but what about outside of having children? I mean, some people are infertile or don't want children and not everyone is interested in the opposite sex. Some people aren't interested in either sex. Or they are interested in dating but not doing the deed, so to speak.

There's still social expectations for monogamy in such cases. I know that there's a theory that homosexual pairings may act as back-up parents if a set of parents die, since they won't have biological offspring of their own to take care of. That's just one of many theories out there as to why homosexuality exists.

It's not that unusual for some animals to have a mating pair and then proceed to raise the children with a step-parent.

Some reptiles, amphibians and fish are more fluid when it comes to physical sex. If there's too many males, some may become female and if there's too many females then some may become male.

Frankly with the amount of difference and diversity in the animal kingdom, it's difficult to define a sense of normal or average or what an animal is meant to be or how they should function. Life just has a whatever works type of approach.

Historically, humans have been a patriarchal society and I think it's fair to say that we still are. Marriage was less about notions of romance and more about a transferral of property from the father to the new husband. Women were seen as property, as extensions of men, rather than as their own person. However, not all human societies were patriarchal! Native American tribes were typically matriarchal. I believe some African tribes also were.

There have also been concepts of a third gender. Native American tribes had members who were considered to be two-spirited. That there is a male energy and a female energy and that some individuals possess both, allowing for them to be a spiritual connector bridging the gap between men and women. Acting as a religious and spiritual guide to those around them.

There are also Jewish terms for such concepts but I think I'm going off topic here.

Christianity and Mormonism pushed for more rigid gender roles. We've come a long way in terms of gender equality and how we view relationships. These days we view marriage as romantic rather than ownership.

Although, I'd like to talk more about that voluntary imprisonment line mentioned above.

Join us next time where I talk more about if monogamy is limiting, my further thoughts on marriage and how gender equality has changed the world of dating.

(You've hit an interest of mine, I'm so sorry. )

^Cool, can't wait to hear your thoughts about marriage (and motherhood!! !) being "voluntary imprisonment"!

My two cents: a good marriage isn’t “voluntary imprisonment” because it doesn’t really restrict your freedom. It doesn’t change an already committed relationship. It’s also something that people can get out of through separation and/or divorce. Some people have open marriages in which they’re open to seeing other people. That wouldn’t be my cup of tea, but it works for some. I just don’t see the point of marriage outside of certain legal benefits.

I think monogamy is right for some people but not others. Personally speaking, I like the idea of monogamy. It is something that I’d want for myself if the right person came along.

Humans are somewhere in between pair bonding (low degrees of sexual dimorphism, less competition, pair bonding for life etc) and tournament species (higher degrees of sexual dimorphism, mating competition, only top males breed etc).

Most species are somewhere on the continuum between pair-bonding and tournament species. Likewise, people can also be more prone to one or the other side of the spectrum.

Yeah, putting aside the whole sociology lens for a moment, monogamy appeals to me and I would like a monogamous relationship with the right person.

I think that polyamory can work but it requires additional communication between all partners involved.

It's a lot easier to get a divorce these days than it was in the past. So, I wouldn't personally consider it to be a form of voluntary imprisonment. Certain legal benefits can prove useful. However, I'm curious as to why someone would consider it to be a form of imprisonment.

Something I've noticed, which I find interesting, is when people refer to themselves as married or divorced despite never being legally / officially married. A friend recently joked to me that she'd be 'married again' by the time I'd made a decision.

'Again?' I asked.

'I mean yeah, I dated my partner for several years, it was practically marriage' she clarified.

The thought amused me for some reason, but, then again, there was a certain logic to that idea. Marriage has been viewed as the default next step in a relationship to the point where people who don't get married, may, on some level, view themselves as such.

I'm not personally opposed to marriage. Maybe I'll get married some day. I don't know. The fact that I am legally allowed to makes me happy. I like that it's an option.

There's folks that do all sorts of things, but serial monagamy seems to be one of the less problematics. Polyamory just does not work out well for societies unless the total people of various sexes balances out as even a relatively small imbalance between men and women can lead to a whole bunch of abusive behavior.

That being said, I do think there is a bit of a preference as a species to be together for somewhere between about 3 and 7 years as that's generally just long enough to raise children enough that you're not spending 100% of your time caring for them.

Why I consider Marriage as "Voluntary Imprisonment":

Yes it IS true that you can easily get a divorce but...what about all those women who are being controlled by abusive husbands who literally won't let the divorce process move forward?

That would mean that they have found themselves trapped!! !

In other words voluntary imprisonment

Marriage is a gamble

The man you are dating could be the sweetest and kindest person ever but once you get married...suddenly he does a complete 180° reversal and becomes an ABUSIVE husband & father (if you have kids)

You have no way of knowing what will happen in your day-to-day marital life because you cannot predict the future!

Now I am NOT at all saying that David will turn out like this but the possibility always exists since people change

This is my biggest fear about marriage and why I consider it as voluntary imprisonment!! !

"Voluntary" because you choose to get married by your own free will

The entire concepts of marriage and Monogamy may be based on love but they are also based on power and control!

ESPECIALLY if you have children!

Most marriages do not end up being abusive, though.

With or without marriage, partners can be abusive and make it very difficult to leave. Marriage didn’t change anything with my abusive relationship. It would’ve ended up being abusive and would’ve been hard to get out regardless because I was afraid and didn’t know what to do.

I’m not saying that you should get married. I personally think marriage is kind of pointless, but I don’t think of it as imprisonment the vast majority of the time and happily married people don’t seem to, either. In healthy, normal marriages, individuals have freedom and autonomy. IMO, it’s very important to make that distinction because it’s similar in any other relationship.

Marriage and monogamy aren’t usually about power and control. In relationships that aren’t abusive, they’re typically about love and mutual support.

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Last edited by Sweetleaf on 27 Jan 2025, 5:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

For me personally I don't think its like morally wrong if all parties agree to it, my main problem with plogaymy is culters that allow for girls wo don't necessarily agree to it being forced to marry like 30 year old men when they are just 12. like if a group of adults decides to be a polygamy that is fine in my opinon even if they have kids or whatever( so long as they don't force the lifestyle on them,but Id say the same of christian adoptive parents to if their kid is not a Christian, but a lot of time plogamy cults are certainly marrying little girls off to full grown men, like 12 year old girls and yeah that is where I reallly have to call it out as f*****g gross. Idk what culture or whatever marrying little girls to very much adult men is wrong no matter what the f**k culture you come from.

So polagmy is not wrong per say, but a lot of people stuck in it never had a choice to not be stuck in it. some may be making the best of a really abusive and gross situation. For me personally I prefer monagamy because honestly the main reason is sharing multiple partners with multiple people just sounds stressfull, easier to juust have the one boyfriend...you know. But when it comes to consenting adults if some prefer polygamy that is their choice its I just would not be comfortable with that kind of arrangement.

Monogamy restricted STD pandemics among humans, it's very evolutionary advantageous.

It's harder to guarantee sex exclusivity in 3+ persons than in 2 persons.