I Need A Neuro-Diverse Perspective!

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Dear All

I am an NT woman happily in a relationship with a ND guy and we have been together almost 5 years.

Recently, I have felt burnt out in my teaching job and need to cut down my work as it's affecting my mental health.
When I say to my partner that I feel overworked, he flatly responds with "you're not overworked." I think this is for a few reasons:

1) In his view, I am not overworked
2) He has a very strong work ethic
3) His understanding is limited about it as he doesn't do my job

I would really like to feel heard and understood by him, even though I know empathy is difficult for him, as this issue is very hard for me. The fact that he feels I am not overworked doesn't change the fact that that is how I am feeling. Is there a way I can phrase this to him so that he can understand where I can coming from?

Thank you in advance

I'm not sure what kind of teaching job you have or where your at but teaching in the US has suddenly gotten a lot more hectic with the department of education being shut down along with budget cuts for schools & such. My mom was a teacher & she retired about 14 years ago. She was very stressed from the bureaucracy & she took that stress home with her along with paperwork. She loved her students but started hating most everything else about her job. If that's some of what's going on with you OP, it's very understandable to me why you would be feeling overworked. Giving your partner those reasons or whatever other reasons you have for being overworked might help him understand some. It might also help if you explain to him how your relationship & home life might be could improve by you working less like you'd be able to spend more quality time with him & your kids if you have any & how more stuff around the house might get done & such. If he has any financial concerns it might also help to discuss those & explain ways your living expenses might could be reduced without majorly inconveniencing him. I wish you the best of luck with your discussion.

Thanks so much for your reply. I like the idea of expressing how much I would like to spend more time with him. This is true as well.

I don't particularly struggle with bureaucracy in my job, but the cost of living crisis meant I almost lost my home, so I was living with extreme worry for a long time. This has now been alleviated to a large extent by us buying the flat I was renting. He actually lives somewhere else but is at my/our flat most of the time (...long story!) I am hopeful that at some point we will settle down together properly. I suspect change is a massive issue for him.

PS Hope someone stops the Mango Mussolini from totally destroying democracy in America

Teaching in many different countries can be financially a raw deal for the amount of work involved. It is not uncommon in some countries for teachers to be expected to do unpaid overtime to meet the demands of their workload.

Which is why there is a struggle to recruit and retain enough teachers in some countries, as the whole profession has a reputation now.

NDs often get pressured into doing way more work than the average person.

I remember running a snow blower to the point of exhaustion and taking a break.
Then my partners said I needed to clear the neighbor's driveway.
I was able to do that, but not before running the snowblower into the side of our car and leaving a big ugly gash in the paint job of the driver side door.

Thanks so much for your reply, Cyberdora.

Flexibility: he seems relatively inflexible in terms of what work I don't take on. He would feel that I ought to take every bit of teaching going. But he is flexible when it comes to where I work. (I am a self-employed instrumental teacher.)

Empathy: I would say he is able to be compassionate, but struggles with empathy and putting himself in the shoes of another. He is very materially-driven whereas I am the reverse. I get the feeling money really is no problem for him. He has been in very highly paid roles and aims to retire soon. I would prefer to keep teaching as I enjoy my work.

I do get the feeling that because his work ethic is so strong, he can't comprehend why I would be the other way. I care about being able to make the bills (and I do) but beyond that I don't care too much. We can't take our riches with us when we go, after all.

Beyond his family, I'm not sure there is someone. But what you said sounds like a thing that might change his view, about 'my actions not needing to be reliant on his opinion,' so that's very helpful. I think he would be resistant to counselling/therapy.

I think your thought about reassurance might be a good one. Perhaps in his mind it's a signal that we will 'work' if I am doing the same things as him, or having similar views to him. It's reassurance if I am the same, in other words.

Yes, this fits with his behaviour and everything. I think that is good advice.