Nobody wants to be with a freak

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I'm over 40 and still a virgin. Not by choice, but because I never met a woman who wanted to be with me, except for one or two rare occasions when it was someone I knew I had no attraction to.

The only relationship I've ever been in was with someone emotionally abusive who targeted me specifically for vulnerability. And I was never even attracted to her; the only reason I dated her was because she was literally the only option I ever had.

Several years ago, I had a coworker whom seemed to be trying to be trying to pursue me. But I was completely turned off by her. She was a large, burley, high testosterone woman; everything about her was the exact opposite of what I find attractive in women.

Thing is, I'm the flip side to what turned me off of her: I'm a male with low-T. My voice is so high pitched that I'm mistaken for a woman over the phone 100% of the time. Just like I'm turned off by a woman with manly characteristics, I have a very "girly" demeanor. I've known many women over the past two decades of my life who all enjoyed my company and liked spending their time with me, but every last one of them made it very clear that only like me as a friend and do not find me appealing in any sexual or romantic way. I watched as everyone around me; all my friends from college, all my coworkers, my younger brothers and sisters, all getting married and starting families decades ago while I remain alone and unwanted.

Furthermore, I always have and always will struggle financially. I spent over a decade of my life cyclical homeless, because of how difficult it is for me to secure and maintain employment. For years, despite applying absolutely to every job close enough for to reach by walking for a hour or two, nobody would hire me. And even when I did get a job, I experienced frequent burnout and meltdowns. I worked at a company for 5 years without getting promoted once. Eventually I became a special education teacher; a position that is so undeserved that nobody can afford to turn me away. But to get there I had to put myself in even more student loan debt. Covid forced me to rely completely on student loans to survive, leaving with over 175K dollars in debt that I have no idea how to deal with. On top of all that, I only have provisional certification that cannot be renewed after 3 years, and I'm currently in my second year; because the process for teacher certification is extremely difficult, confusing, and expensive.

Point is, I do not have the financial stability to ever support anyone else, when I'm barely staying afloat on my own. I'm never going to own a home. No woman wants someone with no financial stability.

I remember watching videos of Tony Attwood reassuring people like me that thing will change. That I'll meet and be accepted and loved by someone in the caring professions, like nursing or education. We'll, I've been working in special education for over 5 years at this point, and worked in nursing for years before that; and I have yet to meet a nurse or teacher that wanted to be with me any more than any other woman ever has. And I'm now in my mid-40s; if it was possible, something would've happened by now.

Yeah there's a lot there to think about isn't there

I actually hear you loud and clear as well
I'm just sorry I have no answers for you

Hello Nightwing82,

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to being economically unattractive to women. Unfortunately many men NT and ND alike are going through the same thing as you and I. Times are really tough, I hope you can find a way to become more financially established in order to attract a woman to your life.

I noticed that you mentioned that you have low testosterone and a high voice, have you considered asking your doctor about treatment to correct that? Testosterone replacement therapy is a common treatment for middle aged men like yourself. If that isn't an option maybe look online for natural ways to increase testosterone like exercise or taking soy out of your diet.

I wish you all the best.

CFL

Romance novels are filled with women who had to make a choice like that.
Either hook up with a guy that didn't turn her on for economic reasons or the poor guy who did.

In the animated motion picture Shrek, the rich guy is the dwarfish Lord Farquaad.

There was also a guy here who needed male enhancement drugs to be with his partner, though that wasn't necessary when he hooked up with a "hot girl."

That co-worker undoubtedly knew your financial situation. She didn't care that you didn't have money.

Last edited by BTDT on 16 Apr 2025, 11:43 am, edited 2 times in total.

I'm in similar straits at age 70, and stopped trying a long time ago. I doubt it's at all financial in my case, and though no one ever accused me of being good looking ("interesting" is the closest I've got) when I look at old photos, it's quite possible I was one of those boys autism experts describe as "beautiful" (more, I think in the way women are so, rather than men; maybe the features are softer, a shared extra fat level perhaps?) from which I must conclude that any guy who's beautiful, but doesn't know it, would be better off ugly.

In my teens, every girl I tried to chat to told me to clear off and leave her alone. Nobody had ever explained "hard to get" to me, and it never occurred to me that they didn't mean it (stupid or what?).

When ever I met attractive women, they always seemed intent on giving me a hard time (did they assume I was hyper experienced and confident, maybe?) unless they were real good lookers, who were pretty friendly and easy to talk to, but it never occurred to me that such women could be interested in me. I've heard so many guys talk about going out to "meet girls and have fun", but it never seemed like fun to me!

There are other factors; my sex drive was strongest in the morning but faded away when the sun went down, so the fact that some girls were quite easy to talk to after a few drinks, didn't really help much, nor does the fact that sex with strangers has never interested me (I've never paid for it, though it wasn't unusual, when walking through Antwerp's red light district, for the window girls to offer it to me at half price; wouldn't most guys jump at the chance?).

I can't offer you anything by way of advice, but I hope it helps to know you're not alone in this? It gets easier to bear with time, so don't worry about it; you are not obliged to live up to other peoples expectations.

It's funny how it goes; but this reality is very common.

A lot of men (including men who are less-than-typical masculine) are often attracted to feminine women.
A lot of women (including women who are less-than-typical feminine) are often attracted to masculine men.
Feminine and masculine often refer to secondary sex characteristics + some social construct attributes.

Those who "lack" these secondary traits are often in this typical dilemma. ie. a very tall woman may be attracted only to men who are taller than her; a such woman would often struggle to find her ideal match - because a lot of men would be turned off by her tallness; including those who are taller than her.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 16 Apr 2025, 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Woman have it easier in the sense that they can "fake it" much more easily.

It is much harder for genetic guys. Especially if they on hormones or anxiety drugs that mess with sexual function.
If you can manage without taking pills a girly guy may be far more desirable partner in bed than one might assume.

I e already attempted hormone therapy. It was expensive and insurance wouldn't cover it. Then Covid happened and I was forced to interrupt it because of therapy, but still had to pay for it regardless. All that and it did not achieve any results.

Welcome to the world of being 40+ single male. Options like your co-worker are what's leftover. that's reality.

I was lucky that in my mid-30s I went overseas, your description as having high pitched voice and being mistaken for a woman is actually not a problem for Asian women. If you want to branch out beyond your local area, consider other cultures or travel overseas if you have the capacity.

I was like this even in my 20s. And I've been wanting to go oversees for the past decade, but I don't have any money.

It sounds like you have higher standards than taking someone on romantically or sexually, who has a heartbeat and a pulse, as the saying goes.

At least you have some self respect in that particular regard, even if you might feel ashamed of being a 40+ year old virgin, which does seem unfortunate.

To be clear, there was never any confirmation from this coworker that she was interested in me sexually or romantically, only that she was being overly friendly and asked me to lunch once. My point is that I knew I found her unattractive sexually, because she was masculine.

You did say "except for one or two rare occasions", seemingly as an exception to the trend, which is what I was referring to.

I remember when people with autism weren't expected to have relationships.
Apparently that has changed to the point where people worry that they aren't living up to expectations if they don't have a relationship.

Maybe people are FINALLY starting to see us as "people" and realizing that we are capable of anything that neuro-typicals can do (like finding love)?