Why do men just avoid saying they're not interested?

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Hi,

I am perplexed about a recent experience with a man with Asperger's Syndrome that I met on this forum. We started by sending each other private messages and then progressed to e-mails and then phone calls. It seems like we have a lot in common and I thought we could relate to each other well. Granted, it's a long distance situation so I know that's difficult but he didn't specify a particular geographic location and neither did I. We do reside in the same country at least. He called me on Labor Day and was very brief on the phone. I understand that it was his day off and he wanted to go and and do things on his day off. It has been a week and he has not called me or e-mailed me. I left a message on his cell phone once two days in a row and I also sent him an e-mail. I am really disappointed and wish I knew if I offended him in some way or if he just didn't want to continue to correspond. Guys, do us women and favor and if you are not interested then just have the guts to say so and don't leave us hanging. The week before he gave me his home phone number. I tried to call his home phone number but it was either busy or it said that my call could not go through at this time. I was using a calling card so maybe that's the reason. I didn't have expectations from him but it did have undertones of dating since I met him on a single's list. I'm just disappointed that an Aspie would pull some NT junk like not having the guts to say he wasn't interested. The funny thing is, we were in touch for about two months. Why do men pull stunts like this?

I would be inclined to say wait a little longer a week isn't very long at all. You really don't know what's up it could be anything. It is quite normal for things to slip a little from time to time.

You don’t know his full background or how difficult he finds these things, or if he struggles with too many things on, clinginess, etc.

Don't turn this into an ultimatum it just makes it harder for him to tell you what he thinks. If anything he probably doesn't want to hurt you.

You said he is on WP, so he can read these questions right?

I don't understand this I'm a man with AS, and if I'm not interested I just say so. It's honest, and less painfull. I experience that with women. It irritates the s**t out of me.

That would certainly be the gentlemanly thing to do. The AS thing to do, however, is to run and hide.

Come on you blowing this out of proportion and it is one sided. it is very easy just to blame every difficulty we have on someone else.

One week. Jeez that is nothing. I try not to get fed up with youngun’, but seriously this is how you drive someone away.

I have no idea...

I always wonder the same thing about women.

It doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man, most people don't sit down and think about relationships or friendships. They also don't want to be confronted with the pressure of saying, "No, I'm not interested."

I don't undersand what's so hard about saying no....especailly if the person is in another city.

Some people are just unreliable when it comes to thinkgs like this...

You just have to assume he's not interested and move on.

I'd give it some more time. I know that if I get "involved" in one of my obsessions that a couple of weeks can go by without me noticing. I'll call someone up to chat thinking it's only been a few days since I talked to them and it turns out that it's been months.

It happens, at least to me, quite often and is no reflection on my feelings for someone or not... it's just one of those things... you get focused on your goal and everything else is gone from your mind.

In many cases, I'm very straightforward and upright.
If I'm not interested, I'll probably say so.

the avoidant dynamic is just as strong in woman as it is in men. It seems to me the love addict / avoidant push and pull is very much a part of being human, however when the movement is intense it is very distressing. I feel for you Autisticsatar , however men don't have a monopoly on pulling away.
Go well with it all
cx

Perhaps he is shy and got scared? Having a friendship online is easy, but when the relationship moves toward phone calls and potentially physically meeting in real life, then things can start to feel overwhelming and scary.

Give it another week and then send him an email telling him how much you miss him.

I find it very difficult to tell a woman I'm not interested, because I don't want to hurt their feelings. And the aforementioned avoidance issue as well. Of course, that usually ends up hurting her feelings more...

Eventually, I'll learn...

I know exactly how you feel. From what I see, it seems NTs are guilty of aversion as well. But I can't be one to talk. I just realized I'm doing the same to another girl. The reason? I REALLY don't want to hurt her feelings. I like to avoid as best I can the breaking of hearts. But then again I'm sure she feels the need to know. So...what to do?

Believe me, it is a huge inner conflict. Perhaps the guy you're dealing with feels the exact same way?

Dude, her heart is definately going to be broken sometime in the future. Broken hearts are a part of life, and there is no getting around that.

By delaying the truth, you are only building her hopes up higher. When she finally comes to her senses, and realizes the truth on her own, she will be fall much harder, and hurt much more, because more of her heart and feelings were destroyed.

Break a heart when it is small, and it will hurt for a short period of time.

Break a heart when it is large and heavy, and it will hurt forever. She may not cry forever, but the situation will permanently taint her view of all men, as being game-playing cowards.

ahh love-shyness stirkes again!

I'm not a guy and can't speak for guys, but I'm am an Aspie.
If I don't contact someone for a week, it doesn't mean I'm not interested. It means that I've been distracted, or I don't realise how long it's been (I've lost track of the time for 13 weeks before, ONE week is nothing), or I've been busy with whatever I'm fixating on...
I can go months without talking to my friends. A rare few can deal with this and remain my friend. Most of them leave.

I figure that if someone doesn't
fall into bed with me, they're not
too interested.