Can't escape the past...? o.0 Panic attack?

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I only think I've got about half of the ingredients neccessary for a decent relationship.
The past is full proof of me messing up again and again. I don't know why I've messed up so quickly all the time, and tbh it wasn't anything like disloyalty or such - they just lost the attraction toward me. Why? I wasn't exciting enough?

My major fears lie in how I was so easily manipulated in past times... I'd like to think nowadays that this isn't the case. And you know? It probably isn't the case... I'm so bloody paranoid though sometimes.

Fear for the worst... it's not as if I feel this way too often though, which is a good sign.

I am a lot more able and much stronger... but is this enough? tbh, what about inconsistency? I could pack the ability but not exploit it enough.
I'm stronger than I know...? Maybe?

I guess I could say I can't fault my bravery and willingness to take risks... "Step right up! Step right up! Gather round and see the show: Sam and his crazy gambling!" this is often how it feels.

I hate my past... be it in relationships (very recent history) or just anything else. I despise my past, even a lot of recent history.
So, even though perhaps now I'm stronger and more able, and finally having some success in stuff, could there still be one hell of a vulnerable soft spot in me?

Thanks for bearing with me. I know that others have big problems in this area too... anyone, particularly girls, who think I'm either too hard on myself, too foolhardy, too stubborn, or anything of the sort...?

One thing I don't get is how easily some people can go in and out of relationships, be in love, breakup and move on to someone else. Maybe the problem is with AS relationships mean too much to us.
At University I was shocked how my friends would go out and have one-night stands every week, apparently so long as you only go with each person once then it is somehow ok but if you sleep with the same person twice then that is bad on some level. I couldn't do one night stands or any casual relationships, the others used to joke that I wanted a 'meaningless relationship that meant something', and so I was always alone.
Maybe try looking back at your past from a different angle by searching for the positive moments in them, how you felt when they started and when things were going well, and then take happiness that you had that experience.

I'd say thats true for a lot of us since we have so much trouble getting into one in the first place. NTs can drift because well I personally think a lot of them don't care on some level. To them drifting between partners can almost be fun I guess. That and some people really just want the pleasure and not the baggage.

One of my roommates for example just wants a "sex buddy" without the baggage of a relationship, but he keeps going out with the wrong people and ends up having to push them away because they get attached to him. He's one of those guys that just has that charismatic attraction to them. Ergo he gets a lot of attention he doesn't want sometimes and usually ends up with needy/clingy women.

I suppose thats the other thing that irks me. NTs make getting into and out of relationships look so "easy". I know it isn't but, to those of us with AS that lack those skills or are still learning them it does. We envy the NTs because we want the ability to get the attention we want so badly. That and on some levels we want to keep it as well.

As far as trust is concerned I'm the last person you want advice from. I've become really bitter and jaded towards the opposite sex as of late and I've lost faith in them. Sorry ladies but, I've had my head screwed with too many times to count. Blame your sisters, it's their fault.

The funny thing about life is that there is pain so that we can learn. Each new day brings a new experience and with that experience we learn and grow as people. The best advice I can offer you is to look at your past, examine it and learn from it. Learn from it and become a better person and keep striving forward. We'll all get there eventually.

Thankyou people.
I believe I've got the ability, but the ability hasn't had a chance to gel... my past has got me all shaken.
And yes Brocknorth - there are few other things that annoy me half as much as that sort of attitude by some NT's. No sense of respect I say.

I have contempt for my past... I really really want to feel that my past doesn't matter at all. *anxious*

Last edited by samtoo on 18 Sep 2007, 5:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.