I can't get over her....

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I need some input from either an aspie or an NT here who has experience with...


I really need to get this off chest...



i am in love with a girl and have been for over 2 years now. She is my ex girlfriend. Normally I probably would have been over her by now if we had cut ties completely after we split but unfortunately that is not the case let me explain...


She is best friend's with my sister and I still live at home cause im still in college. Ever since the break our "relationship" has been up and down. Me and her are really good friends now.


Last night I was talking to her and i told her how I felt. I told her I really wanted to marry her and have kids with her. She is really attached to our family BTW. (im hoping through her attachment to my family she might end up marrying me, but that might be more wishful things on my part) She told me she has trouble getting attached to guys cause she has her own set of issues. She told me this when we first broke up and I thought she was lieing to me not to hurt my feelings. But in between that time she found another bf and the same thing happened so I believe it now.

God I really wish me and her could be together, but it doesn;t look like thats going to happen. I keep having fantasies that we are married and have a child together. I told her this and she told me Im just hurting myself by living in a fantasy world because shes not even sure if she's ever gonna get married. Shes absolutely right...

Everytime I meet a new girl I find myself sub conciousely comparing the new girl to the girl Im in love with. Sometimes its messes things up, sometimes its other things. This really saddens me cause I can't seem to either move on or be in a beautiful relationship with her.


This has been a great source of pain in my life, aside from having an ASD. I feel trapped like I'll be prying over her the rest of my life but she doesn;t feel the same way about me. Sometiemes it makes me like a piece of s**t that isn;t worth loving. At worst it makes me suicidal. And won;t have any friends for the rest of my life cause of my ASD, plus without a love cause I cant sort out my feelings. So I'll be one soar loser the rest of my life.


I really need some help with this. Please Im desperate.

However what I dont want is a pity party. someone saying something like "i;ve never had a gf cause I have AS" that will just make me more angry and upset.

Please I really need some advice. Please.

Sincerely

a very sad and desperate Jman

Hey Jman,

I'm not going to pity you, or myself for that matter. All I can say is this: throw yourself out there and try and get a relationship with another girl. I know this suggestion may or may not help but it will get your mind off things and you wont feel so bad. It will also get her to notice you more ( I know it seems like some silly High School BS) but I honestly think it would help your chances and you might make a new friend/gf in the process. I'm sorry I can't help more.

thanks

Jman, I'm sorry to hear about this. If the woman doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you, for whatever reason, it's really important to find a way to let go. A clean break is really easier. I remember being unable to stop loving a college ex-boyfriend of mine. We were in the same major and I couldn't avoid him. Every time I would see him it would just tear my heart out. I feared I would never be able to let go. Then he graduated, and he was gone, and to my surprise, it just didn't matter any more.

Since this woman is friends with your sister, that makes it hard to let go.

I wonder if it would work to try to think of her as a sister, someone you truly care about, but not someone who is a potential marriage partner. And try to limit your contact with her, because that has to hurt.

Take care!

I have had similar feelings.
I think part of the problem is you want to still be friends with her.
It makes me very sad to think about this, but my past experiences have demonstrated that this is nearly impossible. You can be friendly, but if you attempt to be close friends, then you are not improving your chances, and probably causing yourself a lot of unnecessary pain.

The best course of action is to forget about her, let her go, and try not to see her too much. Fill your life up with other stuff that makes you happy.
If it is meant to be, then maybe someday she will fall for the "new you."
Hope this helps.

Here's a great quote.
"advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth." Baz Luhrmann- wear sunscreen

the rest of the lyrics are here if anyone cares.
http://www.anysonglyrics.com/lyrics/b/b ... ybodys.htm

Think of it this way: at least you both had beautiful memories together. You must try and move on.

moving on/letting go is fine - if you want to. i've had this so often, i could probably write the book. and i'm afraid that theSPECTRE is probably right - find someone else, even if it means that you're transferring those feelings, it tends to diminish the desperation you feel (been there, done that). i'm a great believer in displacement activities and diversionary tactics, which tend to work for me. the feelings are still there when you stop doing whatever it is you're doing, but they DO get less painful with time - a long time, maybe, but they do.

other than that, work on the WILLINGNESS to let go - i have ways of doing this which are tied in with my spiritual path, but they're pretty specific to me. PM me if you want to know details, and perhaps we could work out a way to adapt them for you.

good luck, love - i don't envy you at all.

Vetivert had excellent advice.

I will add: I have been in a situation that was just as bad as yours, only more humiliating. In my case, the guy was the only thing I lived for and I just could not let go of him even if I knew it could never work out. As with you, I saw him on an almost daily basis...so I couldn't forget him.

If you can't forget her, and you can't yet bring yourself to be with someone else (and yes, you'll still miss her), then at least try to make some goals for your life that don't include her as a necessary component. Part of what makes somethign like your situation so painful and damaging it that it seems impossible to imagine yourself doing anything without her, to see any future without her. So, take steps, small steps, towards establishing a life for yourself, goals of your own, things that would make you happy or that you'd enjoy doing.

And when you think of her, don't let yourself brood over or obsess about it; think about something else or do soemthing that will help take your mind off her. At first it won't seem like it's working, but if you do it enough, and consistently, it works. If she shows up, force yourself to go to the library or something away from the house.

I have to say, it doesn't sound like she's been very emphatic or given you enough closure...and that's not helpful either.

Maybe you should get away from the situation altogether. Go join the foreign legion or something- thats the traditional thing to do.

Do you still live at home?

Move out. The only way to get over someone (usually) is to cut ties completley.

That's all the advice I have to offer.. if someones always hanging around, of course you will stay attached, I have the same problem with these things, and a part of me doesn't want to detach myself.

I would forget about the relationship and find someone else, I know it's hard, at times like these that person's opinions and love are the only things in the world that matter.

Try to think outside the square, that this issue can be overcome. and remember that others love you, too.

Umm... a bit off topic, but I noticed a few of you suggested throwing yourself at someone else to take your mind of the person you like. That sounds bad. Very bad. Like, transfering feelings and not actually being with the person you are with for good reasons like liking them bad. Hmm. Isn't it bad?

a few quotations...

"by any means necessary" (malcolm X)

"whatever gets you through the night" (john lennon)

i've been down in that slough of despond, and whatever it takes to get you out of sounds good to me (as long as it doesn't inflict lasting damage on anyone).

I'd rather not inflict any damage on anyone.

absolutely.

Well phew! Glad I cleared THAT one up!