It's probably false hope but looking for advice. (NTs too?)

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[A little long, sorry]

I only realised the likelihood of my being on the spectrum this year (hurry up, assessment). In that way I've never truly considered how to go about certain situations and have usually ran right in, wrecking them. I'm hoping somebody here will be able to advise. I'm hopeful that you will respect the parts which I am sure of since I was in the relationship however I will respect warning.

For a long story short, this is what happened. As a little more information - there were fights in the relationship which wound up being my inability to read him correctly and his strange issue with saying one phrase but meaning something different, a bluntness at times, and missing half of an explanation which would change the interpretation. Personally I had considered whether he might be on the spectrum or have borderline traits as he had certain speech oddities for which he needed a trainer for as a child. Now that I think on it though, it could be a mixture of issues from childhood and the sheer amount of pot he smokes.


Either way, I had finally had enough of the no contact silence and phoned him. My plan was to tell him to respond to my reddit post because if he wasn't going to show a slight bit of care, I couldn't imagine being friends with him. I didn't get that far; he stopped me and explained he'd had a busy weekend and he knew he should have told me that it'd take a few days but it had slipped his mind (like everything does because too much weed). I'm willing to accept that he genuinely meant that.

I am also a little more adept in noticing slight changes in his tone as that is an aspect of communication I had to work the hardest on during our relationship. He sounded very pleased to hear my voice. I told him I needed to know what the situation was and how he was feeling as it was driving me nuts.

Now, here's where it gets tricky. Logically I know I can only take what he said. Emotionally, I want to see more as he sounded tender and said he would prefer phone calls for certain questions, etc. He said that was because it is easier for him to clarify and that might entirely be it. I know him however and I know how he might hide messages behind words, not meaning to.

A rough paraphrase of what he said: "The reason I've not been talking is because I've been trying hard to work out why I did and said certain things before and during the break up" When I made sure to clarify he meant the relationship he said that yes, definitely then too. He's had messages from me - not too many and okay'd by my flatmate - which have gone into what I thought was going on and confusion I had over it.


Here's the part where I am told that I'm looking too much into it. The break up happened a day before our anniversary and he wasn't planning it when he woke up that morning. Aside from getting angry during my meltdown, he hasn't said much. He's apparently said to two friends that it is over. Personally I feel he is trying to feel certain in himself because of how confused he says he is. During the break up he said we might "get back together" after therapy and when he was shouting he told me that if I "kept up this behaviour then it definitely wouldn't happen". I think he knows I couldn't control a lot of it at the time because I haven't been given the techniques (I have C-PTSD).

This has me thinking it could be that he is unsure that he wants to be separated from me, that he's tried to be definite for himself and my sake, and that this is all due to a burnout from trying to care for me at the same time as his severe spread psoriasis has been flaring up. In the end, everything got on top of him and he snapped, like I did after the break up.


Questions:

- Have you been in a situation where a person has left you but was confused?
- If so, did they ask you if you both could give it another go?
- If not, were they receptive to a suggestion from you?

- I'm waiting on a response he said he would give me. He said 2 days but I'm willing to stretch it to double that before I become concerned because of how genuine and muddled he sounded. What sort of language or context would I be looking for if I were looking for signs of a chance that he is re-considering?

- If I feel he is, how long would be correct to wait before broaching the subject? I don't want to take advantage of him.
- Or is there a sign or cue from him which I should look out for? He seems to be the passive type who may respond positively but might not approach you.

- What are safe ways of assessing emotion but not mentioning a reunion? How do I "test the water"?

- If I make the attempt, should it be online, on the phone, or in person? Online is impersonal but in-person might make him feel more pressure not to upset me, I think. On the phone, he'll miss cues...

- The following is a list was what I was going to centre it around and my diagnosed aspie friend said it sounded fair. No response yet from any of my NT friends. Do you think these are fair and would there be any further aspect of this probable AS which I should consider and promise to work on?:

DISCLAIMER: Logically I know I should assume it is unlikely. I also know you don't have all the information. Perhaps I'm hearing tone in his voice because I was glad to hear it, though I doubt that part. I know he said to two people that it was over but when he was talking to me he seemed to be suggesting that people were getting certain aspects wrong - not necessarily those bits.

Unfortunately, since I had changed from angry to sympathetic, I started to cry. The first time I tried to get off the phone we wound up speaking again, partly because of him. The second time it was almost like that but I told him I didn't like to be doing this while speaking so we'd have to talk again later. It was like he didn't want to stop talking even though we'd covered all that was really possible at that time.

1. Yes. He literally went incommunicado one day. For six months. Six. Months. I was heartbroken, then livid, then wrote him off.

2. Eventually, yes. He started with an out-of-the-blue, fulsome and genuine apology email. Which basically said he loved me so much that he stopped talking to me for six months.

There were talks, I was crazy about him, we eventually got back together and limped along for another year or so. Ugh.

In hindsight, we never, ever should've gotten gotten back together. I learned my lesson. People break up for reasons.

Hello from Reddit.

I didn't even know he left me. He just stopped talking to me like he wasn't available at his phone or at his computer. But lot of things he did was very confusing.


Nope. He never did but I always found it strange he would contact me twice after he had been silent on me. My husband and some have suggested that he wanted to see if I was single so we can get back together. Someone else suggested on a blog that he contacted me the first time to make it look like he didn't care because if he didn't care, he wouldn't have contacted me. But I think I was just his possession or he could have gone through therapy and realized he screwed up and wanted to apologize but I will never know. I have pipe dreams.



I don't understand the question.




I would just move on. I don't know if he is playing games with you where he is deliberately being silent on you and unavailable just to drive you crazy and get you all stressed out. But I had this happen to I have zero tolerance now for this stuff so if any man I dated went silent on me all of a sudden, I would move on assuming I am single. No excuses. It would be too traumatic. If the relationship was bad, I would move on and quit trying to get in contact with him and sitting back and wait.

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My ex also told me he had been busy and he didn't even bother to tell me he didn't want to talk to me anymore and he could have told me he didn't want a relationship. He only said we were not compatible but yet still continued the relationship. He also said we would still be friends if nothing worked out between us. That didn't happen. He could have meant it when he said we would still be friends and then realized it wouldn't be that easy. I sometimes think he went silent on me thinking he can still keep me but that didn't work because I finally moved on after my mother told me he had moved on and that I was single again. I was like his appliance and I sometimes wonder if my mom told me that to get me away from him. He was a toxic man.