Painful feelings

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Any crushes I have tend to turn into obsessions. Feelings of attraction just register as anxiety and pain. I would like my romance chip to be turned off completely.

biology sux

Much better when they just
blindside you, and let you
make the choice. Because,
if I have to suggest, 'tis going
to go poorly.

Best of all is when the feeling is mutual and it develops in both parties simultaneously.

Maybe. Haven't had any real luck that
way. At least not BEFORE falling into bed,
and in a manner which lasts.

Gender difference?

Generally I find that when a guy comes and confesses love out of the blue... I'm surprised and since I've had no time to build any feelings in return, 99% of the time I decline.

I've often thought that courting a woman is very much like making love to a woman, in terms of the time spent and the pace. The guy can't just show up and expect a climax one second later. I am not completely certain whether the same analogy holds true for men.

I completely agree. Everyone I've ever loved, I've been too afraid to tell them. It's caused me lots of feelings of rejection and pain that I'd rather just not experience. Coincidentally, most of them have been aspies.

So you're saying it is a game?

I'm still confused as to why knowing all the guys feelings causes the woman's feelings to go the other way...

I don't think guys work like that... especially Aspie guys.

Only did it once, when I truly thought there were
no such feelings. Killed them, if they were there
every other time though. Hell, even expressing
desire, when love was claimed didn't work (course,
using the word 'obsession' was too creepy, I suppose).



Interesting analogue. I'm going to have to ponder
if I dare use it.

Where'd you get that idea?



I'm beginning to think that it isn't that the guy's feelings cause her to run. It's that she's put in the position of having to respond to those feelings without sufficient time to have built up any feelings of her own. I've many, many times had guys who barely registered on my radar as existing come to me, confess feelings, and want to know how I feel in return (this is extreme but not uncommon). How I feel is: "huh? who the heck are you?"

I think there might also be personality traits that tend to be present in guys with the proclivity for such confessions. But I don't know. I hesitate to think it through right here ("aloud", so to speak) because I wouldn't want anybody running off and trying to apply advice that I've just made up.



Which way? Slow to warm up or ready to go?

A game to me... is when you have to work a system of affection instead of doing what comes naturally. Instead of just having the right feelings for each other and being completely honest about what's in your heart at the time, it becomes more of doing or saying the right things at the right time. Withholding information... even though it isn't lying exactly... is not representing the whole truth.




Is there ever a good time to gush out all your feelings... every single one? I mean I can see if a nearly complete stranger says a bunch of stuff... it doesn't make sense. But if you are talking with someone fairly regularly and they seem to like you... is it even appropriate... or should the lady be the first to develop the strong feelings. I am starting to think that unless the female side has strong feelings, it's pretty much dead in the water. Unless you start playing the whole chase game... which is painfully annoying...

I think a forum is kind of dangerous in this regard. Especially when there are deep conversations going on. There is a tendency to really grow attached to someone quickly just based on their thoughts. You don't have to interact and communicate with them directly to get their thoughts, you just have to observe. Which comes off as stalker like, "you know this much about me already... creepy."


All Aspies have a tendency to get obsessive and find out a ton of info really fast. So if you like someone and start obsessing, it's only natural to develop strong feelings quickly. At a rate that's hard to comprehend from the outside, and I am thinking it is a subconscious red-flag to women... even though it isn't really a bad thing.

I don't think it's a game to withhold information, necessarily. If you had feelings for a married woman, for instance, you wouldn't go telling her that.

That said, I agree that it is a huge relief when I'm able to pour my heart out and it is the right moment. Any other kind of love would be stilted and awkward in comparison.

Maybe the key is that developing crushes and acting on them just isn't the right way to go about starting a relationship at all?



I don't know... in my experience, things just don't work out if there's any question about "what should I do?" on either side. Little hints or suggestions are given, the other person picks it up and builds on it, hinting a little back, then the first gives up a little more information, then vice versa.... until suddenly they realize they're falling for each other, and nobody had to go and confess anything. Totally painless, totally wonderful.

And yeah, I think it's pretty much not going to happen if one party needs any convincing. Male OR female.




True.

At the same time, getting to know people and be intrigued by them in this manner can indeed be fruitful.



Yeah, I think you are probably on to something there. I think the sexes, again, could be reversed as well and it would still hold true.

Maybe it's best to initiate conversation with a would-be obsession before the obsession really gets into full swing?

(Off to bed now)

I can't really tell the difference between a crush and general attraction.




My whole love life (or lack thereof) is full of "what should I do?" situations. Every step of what you describe is full of pain and doubt. It's delightful to learn more about someone else... but it's oh so counter-intuitive to regulate the amount of information you are giving out. And you have to go over every little hint, to extrapolate any detail... and what if you are extracting too much information... maybe they don't even like you... and just consider you a friend. I hope you can understand just how tricky this whole deal is...

It is the furthest thing from wonderful...

Maybe, I just haven't experienced it properly yet. But I doubt it. With what I know of my brain and heart, I'm not looking forward to starting a relationship this way.

Again this is a problem in correspondence through email, where it's easy to give out info in chunks. Especially for those long winded types out there...

In a normal flowing face to face conversation... everything is natural... and may in fact go like you described.



Now that's some good advice!

Well, HE wouldn't. Some aren't so reluctant.



I think that this is mainly the case.
But, if they happen, 'tis hard not
to act on them. Seldom does one
fall into a situation quickly enough
NOT to have a chance to think about
things. Those are, of course, the only
times which work for me. But, there
may be a clue. Still puzzling how to
apply your other post.





Hasn't really felt this way, until after falling
into bed, for me.



One may be at the point where one
needs to be convinced about just about
anyone.




Maybe. But, you don't know much without
meeting them.


Hell yes. Too bad 'tis hard to do.

Don't know if there is one.
Except maybe in degrees.
I rather see a crush as
closer to an obsession.
All part of the same
spectrum though.





Yeah. If it goes that route, I think 'tis doomed.
At least for some. Some can play 'the game' and
pursue without blurting everything out. But, even
I would be pretty leery of someone proclaiming
their love, without sufficient build up.



Natural? Lucky you. Usually, the only way
that I get into any position of real comfort is
through long familiarity, or pillow-talk. And the
former tends to end up with you watching the
object of your affections get taken by others.

Exactly. And the more it happens, the worse you tend to feel, because you recognise it when it happens and yet the more you try to fight it off, the more it stays (well, that tends to happen to me, anyway). This is yet another reason why I'm beginning to think that becoming a monk would be a good idea...