Well, I guess I'll stop using the term 'Wife', now...

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I picked up my mail today.
One piece was a big manila envelope from my attorney.
I figured I knew what it was... and it was... the final document confirming that my marriage is now officially over... 14 1/2 yrs of marriage, 17 yrs of living together, in love... or so I thought.

I'm pretty tired from events starting last night, all through today, so maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit numb about this landmark moment in my life.

I keep waiting for the sadness to take over, the crying to start, the feelings of loneliness to intensify, the self-derision.

I keep waiting for the anger to well-up until it forcefully evicts itself from inside, the pacing to begin, the loud cursing that rattles the windows - reaching outside the walls of my home.

I keep waiting to feel the warmth of a familiar body, close to mine, surrounding me with the love and compassion I could really use right now.

Instead, I just feel the overwhelming urge to sleep.

Darn, I imagine this is the worst pain a person can feel.

I've only had brief encounters with an attempt at starting a relationship and felt the pain of losing it... to actually have a loving relationship and lose it... ouch.

Hope the legal issues don't cause any more problems for you...

Any kids? I hope not...

How long have you been apart?

I'm pretty sure that if my wife mailed
me divorce papers, I'd be barely effected
by them now. I love her, miss her like hell,
but I pretty much know that there's no chance
any longer.

Urge to sleep? I dont understand, but whatever happens I just hope youll be alright. Im sorry I dont have anything uplifting to say, Im feeling anything but good as well.

Sleep can serve to help relieve stress. Unfortunately, all it does is remove it w/o addressing it, so it can and likely will pop up again, at least IME.

If you happen to see my ex, push her in front of a fast moving truck and then go oopsie. They'll let you off, they'll know I did it on purpose.

This is the "numb" phase. The sorrow comes later, then the anger (more like rage in my case).

Wish I could say something...anything... to make it easier for you. But it's one heck of a journey to travel and all that helps it seems is time.

It took me over a year...but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm slowly finding it...40 years old and I'm "finally" finding out who I am...you will too...and it's not a bad thing quite the opposite.

For now, be good to yourself...you need that right now.

Wow... I am still dumbfounded as to how some people can just divorce after 14 years with no reason (such as infidelity or "financial issues"...)

The worst I ever had was just getting turned down once, and that devastated me for 3 years thereafter (mostly me questioning what I did wrong, and why I was such a miserable failure at life.) You'll probably feel like a failure for a while too, but the thing to remember is that you aren't. Some women can be so cruel for no reason at times, and any woman that just wants to up and leave without even giving you a reason why definitely fits the MO...

If there is another guy that somehow seduced her with looks and/or money, just remember that its her loss, not yours. She's the one who chose to abandon a stable, loving relationship, not you. She'll probably end up abused and/or turned into a trophy wife within 3 years...

Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate them.

I went to work today (0600-1430) and kept busy enough not to sit and think too much.

After I got home, I got to thinking about how I was feeling... still pretty much nothing.
I'd say I 'feel' the same as I have for the last 20 months... sort of in limbo.
I was really thinking that once the papers were signed both my wife and I would experience a 'lifting off our shoulders' of the burden we've both carried from this whole ordeal.

So far that's not happening for me.

I know all about the grief stages and I went through those when she first told me she wanted a divorce, then turned me down about seeing a mediator to settle it and instead turned her lawyer and brother-in-law (he's an attorney also) on me.
I hated getting an attorney of my own because I saw this as just playing to the status quo on American divorces.
At first, she was all about us being good friends, which sounded great to me.

Anyway, I feel like I've been slammed hard to the ground several times throughout this whole divorce, and yet I've been trying to see it from her point-of-view...
she's probably hurting too
she's bitter and angry
she's scared about her life and future

things I think anyone might feel when a relationship falls apart.

I still hope being really divorced can help us eventually leave the relationship behind and we can be friendly to each other.

At least we've been doing a pretty good job together raising our daughter. I like to think so anyway.
When issues concerning our daughter arise, we generally talk quite well together.
Last year, I baked my first ever cake from scratch for our daughter's birthday and she and I invited her Mom to lunch at the family's favorite Mexican Restaurant.
The three of us had a wonderful lunch because my wife and I were focusing our minds on our daughter only.

It's really weird now thinking about how I might be able to find someone who will accept me, be attracted to me, and me to them.

I really flubbed my only attempt so far at opening up my feelings to someone. I really wish that could work out, but in reality there's probably no chance it ever will. Naw, I guess I should just say that I know it never will.

So that leaves me thinking about relationships and feeling scared of anyone who might show an interest in me.

Seriously, when I think of the people who have already come to me about 'a friend' who is interested in me I just want to turn and run!
I feel like I'm some kind of marked man around work because of the 'match-makers' who have approached me.
There have been a couple of ladies at work who seem to be acting really nice to me and I just want to avoid them.
They may be really nice women, but the thought of starting a relationship with someone I haven't chosen makes me very nervous.

It is strange though because my wife, and the girlfriend before her (6 yr living together relationship), were both women who came to me first.

All I know is that I am lonely, I miss physical contact with another person, and I can't imagine anyone who would want to be with me considering my ADD/HD, gender issues that I'm working on, the fact that I don't have a stable 'career', I tend to not put on a really 'Macho' show (although I did for many years of my life ), but I'm not all soft and fem-like either.

I know... I know... TMI! (too much information )

If I was 20yrs old again, I'd just take it like I did back then.
Being 47, makes it a lot different.

btw, for Pugly...

thanks for the sentiments. As for the legal issues... those are really not much to worry about. The only things left for us to work out are us getting together so I can go through the boxes of photos we have and take my share of them, and we have a Harley sportster to sell and split the money.

Financially speaking, this whole thing certainly costs A LOT! when you add two lawyers into the mix.

I thought we could go to a mediator for $100/hr and work things out peacefully.
We actually sat down while I was still at home, and made a list of the household belongings and how we would split them.
No arguments.
That only encouraged me to think we were going to have a 'nice' divorce.
I think some of her family got into the act and really helped spoil things. I always felt a part of the family too. I was especially close to a sister/brother-in-law, her mom (the greatest mother-in-law!), her dad, niece, and others.
THAT hurt when some of them turned their backs on me.
I wasn't abusive, and can see no reason why they should have treated me like that.

So, with all the lawyer letters going back-and-forth, I know that at $300/hr I have payed my attorney around $10,000.00 (or will have when I finish paying off the current $1,400.00 bill).
Seems like such a waste of money... and I'm not all that attached to money anyway!

I know in time all this will sort itself out.
One of the brighter things in my life is my daughter. She's in the high school band and I love to watch them play and march at the football games... really makes me Proud!

When I can turn my mind on what's happening with her, I can forget about all the other stuff.

btw, she does not like the fact that her parents are divorcing... err, are divorced (she's with her Mom right now so I don't know if they have talked about us actually being divorced now), but her mom and I have been keeping an open dialog with her and I think that has helped her get through all this as good as she has.

I should probably take a break now and stop adding to this...

I know that feeling!!

Just a warning... the term "friendly divorce" is basically a myth, not a darn thing friendly about it... and striving for that can also be very hard on your mental health if they are the type that like to play games with you.

Keep channels open for communication about your daughter...everything else you might want deal with on a "need-to-know" basis. Ask yourself if it's really something they "need" to know.

that is sad my friend. yeah i wont be getting married..
vinnie paul is also sueing my friend alfie for the pantera.com domain name and hes using lawyers @$300 an hour and a intern @$150 an hour/ Lol.
love sucks bigtime

One of my 'problems' is that I have always tried to make things turn out right or better. I used to spend so much energy as a kid trying to fix all the arguments and hard feelings between parents and siblings.
I know you are right about some of that stuff... it's hard to just let go.
thanks though.



Thanks
There are so many reasons why some marriages work and others 'work' (as in, I'm not sure why those people are married but they stay with it til they die).

I have known people who have just been partners until one or both of them die. Seems to work for some folks.

Yeah, lawyers sure ain't cheap!
I found that once you get lawyers involved, there is no more discussion between the actual parties involved... it's just between the 'hired guns'.

I am sorry for your loss
I don't think I could ever get married as if I got divorced it would kill me inside
and I am pretty sure I couldn't make a relationship work

anyways...this isn't about me

Bah!! Never say never. I got divorced probably some 25 years ago. Went a long time single, most of my life has been single. Then I was into my obsession very deeply. I wasn't looking for a mate. Then I noticed someone beside me looking at what I was. Pretty soon I was looking at her more then my obsession. When it dawned on me I was watching her ass more then I was my shinys, well, we're married and it's a good one. But, lol, she had to ask me, I just assumed she knew it. I do need hit over the damn head with a big heavy thing at times.

But yeah it is rough at times. You do go through some emotions. But in my case it wasn't what most might think. The system was on my tail and threatening me with jail time for not being able to hold a job for any real length of time. I didn't know why I was that way. They were sure I was just being lazy, hell I've never been lazy in my life. So the systems that be dragged out my emotions longer then a simple clean split would have ever been.

Everybody is different with this and to some, very little emotion may well be perfectly normal. Nothing to beat yourself up about, no matter how it plays out. We are who we are and I don't make any excuses for me being me. It is refreshing now for it to fall better into place.

Well, it can be if you want to share

thanks for the words!

I actually feel good reading all ya'lls comments. Thanks again!

I know that problem too. That's the reason I went back when he asked me to a year after he filed the divorce papers and it was final.

What the he$$ was I thinking...and why didn't anyone smack me over the head with a 2x4 and knock some sense into me?