First date tips for this Aspie (this Fri.)

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Guys, I met this girl online who I've been talking to for the past 2 weeks online and on the phone. She responded to my personal ad online where I said I was a "man with Aspergers". She wrote me back and appreciated my honesty. She has a daughter who has Aspergers and I have a daughter. This girl is incredible. She is in pre-med and will be completing her doctorate in the next 2 years. She is only 24 and I am 32. She is very mature and I think this is the reason she dates older men. She has 2 daughters, one 4 and the other only a year. She was never married and has broken up with her boyfriend for over a year, who has never seen his youngest daughter. What a scumbag. Anyway, this girl is so incredible. She seems so smart, goes to church, works, owns her home, installed her own kitchen etc.
I sent her my picture a couple of weeks ago and she said I was cute. Guys I don't think I am cute or attractive, but she says appearance doesn't matter to her. But, I am not worried as much about my appearance as I am with my Asperger sympoms and personality. What if I am dry and have nothing to say? I am so scared about the dead silence on this first date. Any advice? Should I bring flowers or is that too much. I think I am going to take her to an NBA game and a nice restaurant. Any help would be apppreciated.

Do you share any interests? Maybe you could talk about your interests and try to have a good, intellectual conversation? She might find that pretty refreshing; in my experience, a lot of NT guys are more comfortable with boring small talk. I guess you could also talk about AS, since you both are quite familiar with it. That could be one way to get to know each other better.

I wish you the best of luck! I've never dated in the traditional sense. I've met my boyfriends through work, school, or friends. All of my relationships started as friendships and then turned into something more. A friendship should be the foundation of any relationship, anyway. I hope something I said was helpful . . . Have fun on your date!

Thanks Evil Kim. Well the interests we share that I know of so far is our girls, church, and basketball. She was raised in private schools and I was raised in a public school. She said the coolest thing yesterday, "she said she wouldn't send her daughter to a public school and if she did her teacher would hate her because she would want to sit in class to watch a few times". She said she would work two jobs if she had to to make sure that her Asperger daughter didn't have to go to a public school. I told her that is a good idea because her public school teachers would hate her as much as they did me.
To be honest, I am a little hesitant to talk about Aspergers in general. I don't want her to think I am whinning about it and I think that would reflect from the date. I've been told that I should really listen, look at her, and talk about her interests as much as possible for a first date.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm very skeptical about this woman and what you may be getting into.

You say twice that she's incredible and her ex is a scumbag, but she's the one who chose to have sex with him at least twice, maybe more (and date him for at least three years?). And have two children at a fairly young age, out of wedlock. Before finishing school.

To be honest, between going to school to be a doctor, working, and looking for guys on the internet, she ought to be completely focused on raising her daughters in a stable household. She dates older guys because she's not mature and needs a fatherly, mature man to help her establish boundaries and structure.

And this scumbag, because he is her children's father, is going to be able to waltz in and cause havok in your relationship any time he wants.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I don't want you to end up in a difficult situation unprepared.

However, this doesn't mean that you shouldn't go on a date with her. By the way, have you determined if going to an NBA game is something she'd like to do? Also, a good way to avoid dead silence is to ask questions. Ask her about her kids, her job, her church, her school. Maybe she says something interesting about a class she takes, and you can ask her more about that. If you ever run out of things to say, just ask a question.

I don't think bringing flowers is too much. Especially if you know she likes a certain kind of flower.

Good luck!

Make sure she likes football before you take her to a game-date. Flowers are nice, but don't overdo it, a single white rose, ot a carnation will do. Above all, how you act will impress her more than any gift or place you go. Be nice, listen to her, ect.

Thanks the_innocent, you bring up extremely good points. I also too have these concerns and I tend to be conservative when it comes to taking care of children. I agree with you that raising her children should be her top priority and dating men can distract her from that. I get the impression that she has not dated since the birth of her last daughter and that she is just lonley for male companionship and to feel important to someone. I also feel that way. As far as the scumbag, you are right by saying there are two sides to every story.
To be honest, if she worked as a cashier at McDonalds, I would be less attracted to her. She just seems so much in control and a go-getter, and with my Asperger personality, that appeals to me. I of course am quite and reserved and sometimes need someone to take charge in my life. She probably is subconsciously looking for a father for her kids.
But lets step back from this, and just see it as a date and only a date. Oh, another thing she said to me which I find attractive, she said she is not interested in pre-marital sex any longer and want to be traditional with the rest of her relationships. I respect and am fine with that.

I remember this too guys, I have Asperger Syndrome and have a lot of flaws. No one is flawless. It can be a tired, scary, horrible, and sad life out there. What is the worse that could happen? I love this girl and have the best time of my life with her, then she dumps me because of issues. Two months ago I was convinced that I would never have another relationship after my failed marriage.

Just be yourself. You can talk about your interests but also ask questions that invite her to talk about herself a bit.

I'd recommend jeans and a nice dress shirt. Brush your hair, teeth, etc. She'll think its cute if you bring flowers so i'd do that.

Very true, it is just a date and not a lifelong committment.

enjoy

Some ideas, feel free to pick and choose.

1) Either send a bunch of flowers the day before with a message of 'see you tomorrow night' or, if you are feeling flush, send 11 roses. Bring the last rose with you on the evening of your date.

2) Carry a few pieces of paper and a pencil or pen, useful for writing down all sorts of details so that you don't forget them.

3) Consider a trip out to her place a day or two before, that way you know the route, places to park, and the time the journey will take.

4) Have the meal after the game, not before. That way you will have something to talk about.

5) Make sure you have enough cash. If she offers to pay the bill I've found that the best technique is to argue the point for a few seconds then gratefully accept.

6) Remember, ladies first. That and little things such as opening the car door for her will get noticed.

7) Don't drink and drive. Getting arrested by the police for drink driving is not the best way to spend your first evening.

At the end of the evening thank her and tell her it was fun having her around. Goodnight kisses and invitations for second dates are optional here.

9) Have fun, we will be awaiting a detailed report

Ed Almos

Ehh... A lot of those may freak her out... May I revise?

1. This seems a little too much, maybe instead lay a few roses ((no more than six)) and a note for her.

2. Writing down details in a date may seem a little odd, make mental notes, not physical ones on what you want to talk about.

3. looking at the date sight is a good idea, no complaints.

4. Again, no objections.

5. A gentleman doesn't let his date pay. Bring enough money to pay for the date, and a little extra.

6. No objection.

7. No objection.

8. Don't thank her, but let her know you had a good time. Nothing cliche like 'it was a lovely evening' or 'I had a good time' though. Ending with a laugh is always a good way to go, so bring up an event you found funny. If she lets you, a kiss is fine, but don't expect it.

Just a female point of view here.

Okay, another female point of view:

First, I would not send the flowers. I love that feeling of a guy ringing the bell and handing them to me. It gives me chills and makes me giggle, which is hard to do.
Second, a good way to "take notes" is this. Make a mental note of things she says about favorites...fav. movie, fav. flower, fav. food, etc. If she mentions it, make a mental note. If you feel yourself forgetting things, excuse yourself and go to the restroom and write it down on a paper in your pocket. If you sit and take notes during the date, she may feel she's being interviewed.
Third, I agree with the comments about paying. She will offer to be polite, but would probably feel odd if you accept it.
Fourth, be a gentleman!! ! Hold the door open (car door even if she'll let you), pull out her chair, etc.
Also, going out after the game is an awesome idea...why not both? Go for a full meal before, then for drinks and desserts after.
Finally, you may want help from someone to make a "reminder" list of what is appropriate and not. You may not have an issue here, but I had such a list while dating. (Married now so list is no longer necessary). It had things like appropriate topics of conversation, how to read most signs from the opposite sex, etc. You want to be completely upfront and let her know to be as open and honest as possible because you have a hard time reading emotions and social cues. This will help a lot. If she is uncomfortable, happy, whatever, if she tells you, it really alleviates any misunderstandings.

clip your nails and check your nostrils and ears for hairs

OMG!! Thank you all for the great advice, even the clipping of the nails and checking my nose for hairs. These are all good. I've already planned and timed out the trip. I'll get her some flowers, but she hates roses. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Best advice I can give : have a good time.

Well unfortunately this girl is sick. She fainted at work this week and later was admitted in the hospital. Her white blood cell count is low and will get the results back today. So, either she has cancer, leukimia, or maybe MS (which runs in her family). She doesn't have HIV because she said she was tested for it. She said she tried calling me last night but my phone was dead. She is writing me on the computer from the hospital. She told me that I would find someone else that would not die. This situation sucks because I really like this girl, but we have never met in person. I 'm sure she'll be in the hospital for a week or two. I feel so sorry for her. Of course the relationship can't progress because I am just an "internet friend". Who am I you know? It would be awkward to visit her since we have never met. Argghhh!!