Trying to figure out what to do. Bad crush. Errrr.

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There's this girl who I met last spring...she goes to my school...we both commute, but never had any classes together. We wound up talking to each other on BART (the train system here). We have great chemistry and laugh a lot together. I think she's beautiful. And truly, this is terrible indeed. She's nine years older than I am and taken by an easily-jealous boyfriend who does not want her calling any other guys. She has no internet, so that means no IM or email or anything. I spoke to her twice in the spring by randomly running into her. The conversations were all very long, each over an hour, and we got to know each other quite well. Every day at school this semester I've kept hoping I'd run into her again.

Well, today I did.

She waved at me soon as I saw her. I was glad that she said hi to me first, since I wasn't even sure if she'd remember me. We talked for a long time, about an hour and a half, since we both went the same way home via the train--she just got off a stop after me. And it was a lot of fun. Great chemistry as always, lots of laughing...but there was also a great undertone of sadness. A lot of sadness, but it was buried. For me, it was because...I like her. I really, really like her. And I can only hope I'll even run into her again. And even then, I know I won't be able to date her. I haven't told her but it's probably kinda obvious, because I haven't exactly hid it either. For her, well...there was more sadness than she'd shown before. She's started taking anti-depressants and they haven't helped. She's been having panic attacks, partly because she doesn't exactly know what to do with her life, and she's irritated because her boyfriend talks to his ex and this really bothers her. I pointed out that this was hypocritical, that he doesn't let her talk to other guys (it's not just me...she mentioned some other examples) and yet talks to his ex.

I don't know. I told her I hoped I'd see her again, and that when I did her mental health would be better. Considering the times I run into her are few and far between I doubt I'll see her anytime soon, but I'm not sure what I'll say if/when I do run into her again. I don't want to be a nag, don't want to make her uncomfortable, so I don't want to again ask to trade contact information...I don't want to criticize her boyfriend, or anything like that...I honestly really just do not know what to do. I kinda wish that I didn't like her like that...but at the same time, part of me just wishes that she was single, my age, with internet instead. It is so rare for me to have genuinely good chemistry with people, especially people I think are visually attractive--and even more rare for them to really seem to enjoy talking to me, too.

In the end maybe it doesn't matter...I might not even see her again for all I know. But does anyone have any advice for me?

Rather than torture yourself, why not just say something to her and get it over with. If you think some sort of lasting friendship is going to grow out of these encounters you're wrong. This isn't a movie. Every time she gets off that train she's going back to her possessive Neanderthal boyfriend. Guess what you end-up with? That's right, nothing!

If she's really interested in more than the occasional chat with you she'll welcome the overture. If she either isn't interested in more than chatting or is incapable of separating herself from her current beau, she'll probably still be flattered. You of course will be devastated and humiliated, but what do you want? You have Asperger's, get used to it.

I might say it the same way but where I'd differ is the last part - being humiliated over getting a no, IMO, is a sign that you're approaching it all wrong. Like you said - this is real life, no's can come for lots of reasons and many times not being someone's type is literally that. I think in this girl's case if she does take a pass on him its because she's too lost her self, stuck under this other guy's gravity especially if he is an abuser (leaving him is something she's have to choose, as we both know Versai can't suggest it because it would come off as a bit sleezy - I'm guessing he's probably just being very sincere with her so being abrupt or directing would have her wondering about who he really is, not good).

And Veresae, I know your pain - this seems to be the kind of thing my life is made of. Being the AS jars my outward image a bit and jars my ability to just be a social butterfly and let the real me out as often it comes down to where I'm finding I need to either just adjust my life to the fact that this world is very inconsistent, people are plagued with their insecurities and lack of self-knowledge, and usually when you feel real strongly for someone without having that through dating then odds are they're only feeling about 1/3 or 1/4 of what you are. All in all that means that we do have to accept the fact that life has people trapped, we are swimming in a sea of red tape, and the best thing you can really do is just take care of yourself, do your best to make yourself happy on your own, and hopefully something works out - if not don't worry, plenty of perfectly good people spend their lives single and its disheartening but human nature's a mess and sometimes I really wonder if its worth owning the causes of singlehood so much (especially when your doing all you can to do yourself right, without doing it for the sake of having a relationship, and it isn't even helping if you don't look).