False Advertising

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Hello, I wonder if the people of this forum could help me with a problem which is seriously undermining my ability to have a healthy relationship.

Here is the situation.
I am good enough at covering up my aspergers that I can get to around about the third date without the guy noticing anything is wrong. The effort I have to go to to do this is considerable, and it inevitably entails the consumption of large volumes of alcohol - but I can do it. The trouble is, I feel like a fake. I feel like all the guys who stare at me when I go out would sue me for false advertising if they knew I had a mental disorder. In fact, friends of mine have been known to say after breaking up with somewhat unstable women that they think all mental health probs should be declared on entry into a relationship, so that they could choose not to have that relationship.

As I described on the patterns in relationships thread, I inevitably end up going crazy with anxiety, and of course then I get dumped because I'm just so annoyingly clingy.

Basically I want to know if anyone else here has ever felt like this - like they have to put on a front because nobody would want what they really were - and how you pulled yourself out of it?

I can relate. I often feel like I put up a front when I first meet people, trying to act bubbly and happy, but it fades fast because I grow tired (literally tired of socializing like this) and want to be real. The contrast is sometimes too much for people to take, and they give up on me.

I don't know what to tell you. I wish somebody could help me with this too! In my life now, I am trying to remain calm when I meet people, rather than overdo it by being over-the-top "NT." This way, people get an idea of the real me, and I can add on to it when I feel like it by expressing myself more. But this way people don't have unrealistic expectations of me. Does that make sense?

So yeah, for now I'm trying to reveal my true self in small pieces (so as not to overwhelm), rather than fake anything. We'll see if it works...

Good luck! And remember that unique can be a good thing; it's just that at the beginning of a relationship, too much of it can scare people off, maybe...??

NT's do it all the time. for an aspie I know is not easy, sooner than later the real you will come out.

I could recommend you to date guys that have a lot in common with you, so it's easier to get along. or get a guy that doesn't do a lot of socializing.
meeting people online is easier, it's like shopping for the right guy.

Also, try to lower your anxiety levels. I do it the natural way for example, cut on caffeine, do yoga, listen to soothing music, light up candles, drink green tea, art, etc
or therapy if it doesn't work.
I wouldn't recommend you drinking, since it causes depression.

Hey, that's not false advertising. That's just emphasizing a certian side of u. Everybody does it when the situation calls for it.

Of course, it's impossible to downplay your other sides forever, and they will come out whether u know it or not. If the other person can't handle them, big deal. It's not like you're not still fun like u were before, it's just that the rest of u may be too much for them to handle.

That makes perfect sense, I think its very good advice. I think that sometimes I am so worried about people liking me and thinking I'm interesting and good company that I end up tying myself in knots... essentially I just need to calm down, but don't really know how.


For some reason I'm really not a big fan of online dating. I guess I just get fed up of scrolling through a million boring profiles. As traumatic as it may be I think I'd rather meet someone in real life and talk to them.
Oh god, I just had a triage appointment with a mental health nurse who told me I should read self help books and listen to soothing music. To be honest I find all that stuff so patronising, and I'm very very aware of the fact that people make money out of things that are not scientifically proven to help. As for the alcohol... I know... I've basically stopped now but then I haven't been out for two months. If I started going out again I'd have to have it.

Deadeyexx, thankyou... I shall try to think more like that.

I just don't worry about the whole thing.

I even created a law of "physics" that I can invoke should I not be able to get in a relationship. It states that I will never be able to get a girlfriend. And for the most part, it allows me to get over relational problems fairly quickly (often within minutes, a definite step up from the three years it took to get over my first rejection). The only problem is, owing to my AS, I've had to invoke the law so many times that I'm just not trying to get women anymore, at least not to the degree that I was...

Mr Toadofsteel

I think its healthy to be able to live happily without a relationship and decide you're not going to have one just for the sake of it, but I don't like the idea of telling myself that I just can't have boyfriends/sustain relationships. It seems a bit defeatist and depressing.

I see some value in invoking sods law, because it stops you blaming yourself at least.

I can relate. With a low cut shirt and some tequilla, I can usually seem flirty, cute, smart and witty for about three brief encounters. It feels great at first, and I think gee, maybe I'm not so weird after all.......but then I run out of things to say, feel exausted, etc. It is false advertising! Plus, once a guy sees that I'm really just awkward and boring, they usually don't stick around. I feel like the interesting, fun me is not the real me.

What are they going to do write to trading standards?

I am/was good at coving up AS on a superficial basis, except in a date scenario or any ongoing relationship of any type. I would just try not to hide your AS too much as much or even think about it as much as it pains. My friends just think of it as part of my character.

I've not been successful at dates and it may well be less successful, but ultimately it could waste less time in the long term. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. I missed opportunities but I can't regret.

I worked on social anxiety and my eye contact. That's because I needed to and wanted to. My social anxiety is much more specific now to things like dates, but that does mean it is not worth trying. I tend to come across quite pedantic, and tongue tied but that is not really me. Also don't waste time with people who disapprove too much about something that you couldn't help. You are just going to reinforce the idea that you are 'damaged'. I remember having dinner with this girl and I was quite nervous and I accidentally put my hand in my food and she a bit snappy and disapproving while I was wiping it off but it turns out she was very anxious about how anything looked. Even the 'normal' people are nuts, everyone is a bit mental. Another girl I know when she eats quite a lot of it ends up on the tablecloth and it is cool how she doesn’t care.

More depressing than going through 3 years of analysis trying to find out where I went wrong? Pass.


Yeah, pretty much my point above. The law allows me to fit all the variables into it and process it with the same outcome in one easy step, saving me from the aforementioned 3 years of analysis... I hate the term "Occam's Razor" with a passion, but if it is indeed actually true, then it would seem to apply here...