Predictable Patterns in Relationships

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Hello everyone. I've been a lurker for a while. Here's my first shot at posting.

Asperger's has given me a context ifor many difficult and painful things. Here's one example. All my life I've fallen into a very predictable pattern when it comes to relationships. Invariably, the women I find attractive are never attracted to me. When speaking with them I know enough to guard against my Aspergian tendencies (being over-eager, obsessive, too straight forward), so I think I'm working against something else. My suspicion is that women can sense something is wrong with a potential partner even when there is nothing overtly wrong going on. Maybe they subconsciously pick-up on little clues that cause their brains to identify men who are genetically undesirable as mates.

Anyway, back to patterns. After failing to succeed in attracting the person I like, I fall into a period of despair that eventually results in my dating the first willing participant to come along. These are never suitable partners. In fact, they turn out to be completely neurotic. After a month or so I can't stand being around them anymore and I leave. They stalk me for a while, convinced that a month of dating should somehow lead to a lifelong relationship. Eventually they go away. I have never remained friends with anyone I've dated.

After extricating myself, I go into a year-long period of not wanting anything to do with women. Sooner or later, however, I come across someone I really like and the cycle starts over again.

This pattern has been a constant throughout my life. Does it sound familiar to anyone? Upon meeting an Aspergian, do women sense at a biological level that something isn't quite right? Is the only real solution to find someone with Asperger's? That seems like a pretty daunting task.

I'm comfortable with the belief that the essence of life is disappointment and despair so I'm not expecting much. I've been divorced for twelve years and my son lives with me. I'm not driven by a desire to have children. The idea of being alone for the rest of my life doesn't exactly consume me, but it would just be nice to know if there are any other options.

i also always fail to attract the women i like (and it's been a long time since i met one i liked that wasn't already taken). however, i don't date any willing partner (there don't seem to be any, but i wouldn't even if there were).

Hey Kurt, I can connect with you a little.

My painful pattern is always falling for the type of woman who reads "women who love too much" but I seem to not be enough of the 'bastard' for them to be attracted to me.

In short I always go for unavailable women. However, I am learning that being sensitive & different is not unattractive for the kind of woman that I desire on a deeper level.

My thoughts are with you. From a cold London night

I see absolutely nothing wrong with this approach, as long as you can get along with the person. As long as they're not crazy in any way, have some common interests with you, are at least somewhat attractive (this is optional), and you're both looking for the same thing, then I say go ahead and date the person. When a person has trouble meeting romantic partners, it's unreasonable to expect some romanticized merging of the souls. At least for me personally, "dating the first willing participant" is a far more rational way of dealing with my situation. After all, if a guy isn't attracted to the girl (but dates her anyway), a relationship and and all things that it includes are still possible. But if a girl isn't attracted to the guy, it's a 100% guarantee that there won't be relationship. Why? It's rooted in millions of years of human nature.

My first incident was largely a unique one, as I was over-direct in my approach and got rejected without even the thought of rejection slipping into my mind. After that one (and the ensuing 3-year depression), I slipped into my basic cycle...

As it stands now, if I see a woman that I really like, I will try to spend as much time around her as i can outside the context of dating (especially helps if there's common interests) . This can persist anywhere for 1-6 months, until I am no longer in contact with her. In some cases, she will mention a boyfriend, at which point I become completely turned off, although I can hide it somewhat. (I "rigged" my body, so to speak, to do that because I don't want to deal with jealousy and related stuff of that nature; it's too emotionally charged for me to handle)

I certainly have a pattern, but its different to yours. I'll share it to give a little female perspective.

1. Put on best clothes and make up etc, drink a little to calm my social anxiety and make myself seem normal.
2. Go clubbing, search out attractive manfolk.
3. Success! Man is attracted to the improved version of myself that i have presented to him.
4. Usually sleep with him straight away. Get attached.
5. Degenerate into a tightly wound ball of stress and anxiety as I realise he will not like me when he finds out what I'm actually like.
6. Anxiety boils over, have a huge meltdown.
7. Get dumped.
8. Repeat!

yes, for women getting sex is absolutely trivial, getting into a successful serious relationship is probably equally hard for both genders.
in my case, it isn't even that women dislike me, just that they find me as romantically attractive as a brick wall. I can neither be friends with men nor be anything other than friends with women. I think Buddhism is on to something with this idea that the way to suppress suffering is to suppress all desires.

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

It's interesting how we're driven to repeat behaviors that we know from experience make us miserable. Being alone can be hard to deal with, whether you just suck it up or try to assuage it by getting involved in relationships that are pretty well doomed from the start.

I think Aspies live in a marginal area when it comes to interacting with others. There's always a conflict between what we think we want, what society says we should have, and what we know we are capable of having. Loneliness is rotten, but so is getting involved with people who are incapable of understanding you. Loneliness also does have an up side. It's predictable and safe, which can be a comfort.

Maybe I'll just get a dog.

It must be easier for girls to meet others than it is for guys. I've avoided meeting people at clubs though I know a lot of people do it.

This topic reminds me the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." The couple in the movie date, erase their memories of it, and just end up dating again. People do have a tendency to do the same things over and over, while somehow managing to believe that things are different each time. Still, what're you gonna do?

Expertly put, especially the disparity between what we think we want and what we ultimately appreciate. When I'm single long enough, I grow hungry for a girlfriend. When I've been in a relationship for years, I grow hungry for solitude and freedom. Both states have their pros and cons, and I'm mostly at peace with being single now, come what may.