Obsessed with an Online Friend

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I'm writing this, because I'm not really sure what to do...

For most of my life, I've been quite lonely. I've had very few friends, and I lost most of them a long time ago.

Some time last year, I met a very nice man in a forum. We became very close. So close, that I fell in love with him, and at one point, he told me that he loved me also.

To cut a long story short, I messed it up. I became too obsessive about him, he started refusing to talk to me, and accused me of stalking him.

I somehow managed to persuade him to give me another chance, and now we communicate via PM in the forum he administrates.

For a while, I felt I was getting better, meaning that I was less obsessed with him. He responed well to this, and started to be more forthcoming with me. But I think I'm regressing back to my old feelings.

The very fact that he is being so nice to me now is hurting me, by making me love him again.

I'm starting to send him more and more messages every day, and I am afraid that I might drive him away again.

And I can't let go of the dream of one day being close to him...although he doesn't seem to want to meet me anymore.

And it was always a pretty far-fetched dream, anyway. He is 29 and in Germany, and I am 18 and in Britain.

I now I am worried that I will never meet anyone else who could love me. Or, if I do, that I will be too hung up on Mark (the man I am talking about) to realise or do anything about it.

People randomly stop talking to me and I have no idea why. People are just pricks.

I don't know what you can do.. you could try and stop yourself talking to him lots, or just lay low and try and find something that will fill the gaping hole in your heart he left you with.. Do you havea part time job? What are your hobbies? You could try and meet more online people

Unless he is aspie he will never understand your obsessiveness, and it will look like stalking to him.

You have to understand that there is a different between obsessiveness and love. Obsessiveness (whether it's for a person or a subject) needs constant contact and investigation.

Love, on the other hand, allows for distance.

You need to try to see your obsessiveness for this man as being no different from an obsession about rocks or history. And as I have written elsewhere (I've made a lot of posts about this subject on this board), when you obsess on a person, you can't go to the bookstore or library and get every book out on the subject, like you could about insects (or whatever subject). You need access to that person, and unless the person is in love (which is only a temporary access point, because eventually their feelings will change, unless they're obsessed too) with you they are never going to give you the kind of access you need. This sets you up for a lot of anguish.

I have read that female aspies are more prone to people obsessions while male aspies tend to obsess more over subjects. This might also give you insight into your situation.

Basically your brain is stuck in a loop like a record needle stuck in a groove. Asperger's is (among other things) a dysfunction of the social actions of the brain-- another member here once told me that there have been studies that show that the brain function of someone in love is similar to someone with OCD. Do you see where this leads? You are fixating on this person no differently than if you would fixate on fossils or whatever subject.

I'm not saying you don't love this person, but it's not your love for him that led you to make this post. It's your inability to stop thinking about him, which is not love, it's obsessiveness, which, whether for a person or topic, is something probably everyone on this board can understand.

I get people obsessions in the worst way. I have had people obsessions that basically destroyed my life. It's agonizing and not something NTs could readily understand, the severity and intensity of it.

You need to find something or someone else to obsess over to break the loop you're in. Try to pick a topic or subject to obsess over as opposed to a person. But if that doesn't work, try to find another person to obsess over. You are never going to get rid of your obsessiveness, but you can relocate it within you and take its focus off of this man.

Aridarr....This sucks.....I have been in this position to many times to count.I know how painful this is ,to have an obsession you want to get lost in and cant because the obsession is not a "thing" but a person which can be very illusive.....en_una_isla...gave better advice then I could but I wanted you to know that I understand what your going through(I think)and I am sorry that there is no easy way around this.

Stay focused on the positive. There is no reason that you can't continue the relationship at the level it's currently at.

Relationships don't grow more because someone forces it two. They grow because both parties are open to it developing further. If he presently isn't open to it going further, don't trip about it. And, no harm will come if you're presently open for something more; as long as you're not expecting or waiting for it.

Another positive note: Your present relationship doesn't have to keep you from having relationships with others. Having a close friend to talk about relationships to can be really benificial; just use good judgement in what you disclose and how you use any advice.

It's important to be open to accepting what you have, so that you don't form a negative view of your friendship.

Thanks everyone.

I'm trying to listen to the advice you have all given me, but I'm still finding it very hard to cope with this.

I've started to want more and more from him, even just in the past few hours.

I'm managing to control it, I think.

But I have to fight hard against the temptation to pour my heart out to him, to tell him that I still love and need him...

I have to keep reminding myself how lucky I am just to have him as a friend.

Edit - I think my main problem with him is jealousy. I know how terrible it sounds, but I can hardly bear to watch him spend time with anyone other than me.

I always find myself worrying that he cares about them more than he cares about me. Then, I feel that I have to send him a message, to get a response and reassure myself.

I know how immature and stupid of me this is, and I'm working on it.

You could write a journal to him without telling him about the existence of the journal. That way you can get it all out of your system and you can pour your heart out to him, without scaring him, since he will likely never read it, but you can still "address" it to him.

I think that's very good advice, I have done that sort of thing myself and it can really clear your mind a bit, you've got to step back...

Something else I use to do that helped a little....(but would probably creep guys out if they knew)
I like to make sculptures(clay) and would make figures of them(and some of them with me in intimate positions.....I dont know if this makes the obsession better or worse but at least kept me from calling while my hands were in the clay and I had something to look at.I once got a huge bag of M&Ms and took out all the green ones to give the poor victim of my obsession(I dont advise that,I thought it was sweet,he thought it was creepy....go figure)The problem with this obsession is that even in a perfect world where he called you tomorrow and wanted to date you.....he could never spend enough time with you,you would always feel the jealousy and self doubt....at least,that has been my experience.
The only way I broke this cycle was by being a celibate recluse from 31 to 39...a bit extreme but it broke the "male obsession" for me.

I've been in some similar situations myself. I'll talk to some interesting women online, and get some feelings. I wouldn't call it love though.

I try not to take it too seriously, even if it is some pretty serious feelings. I'm only seeing one, limited aspect of them after all. But this doesn't mean I can't enjoy it.

I'd still like to meet a lot of them mind you. But even if I did, I'm not going to assume that a relationship is going to happen. Even if they want to do things to you I can't describe in detail with the family friendly policy, that doesn't mean you'll be able to start a relationship.

There are so many things that can happen.


For what it's worth? Most of them seem okay with me having the hots for them. Most of them like it. So I figure I'm probably doing something right.

Try to limit your emails like email him only once a day and wait for him to respond. Does he have IM, it's better to chat with him on there. I prefer IMs too than email.

I know this can be REALLY hard.. i've recently gone through the heart break of this, someone I really thought was cool cut me off.

First step, you need to get it out, talk to someone - anyone.
The next step is to try and fill your life with other things.. it might seem impossible at the time, but if you put all of your eggs in one basket and that basket falls you'll be left with nothing, like I was.

Do you have a myspace account? Its a really good way to meet and chat with others.. the more other people you can find to be interested in, the less it will hurt.

Well written post (the whole thing, not just that quote) - this is something I've always been prone to too. Just one thing though - I don't know that I'd recommend finding another person to obsess over... I wouldn't wanna make a person-obsession happen on purpose, they happen too easily on their own as it is. Sometimes lately I even have a few people going at a time. That's probably good in a way though because it seems to lessen the intensity of each individual person. Maybe that would be advisable... That's the thing I hate about obsessions though - I never seem to have any control over who or what it is. If other people out there have that kind of control, good for you - you don't know how lucky you are.

Anyway, good post. You explained things well.

I agree that you should avoid the people obsessions at all costs, but as hale_bopp says, you can't really control it... . It is so hard, I know...

Look at it from the bright side. Women usually get away with hanging on to guys, unless you try to kill them, set their homes on fire etc.

Bright side noted.