Understanding my boyfriend....

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I am an NT girl (I think....) and I have been dating a guy with Aspergers since July this year.

I have a link explaining my issue here: http://www.mlptp.net/forums/showthread.php?t=38967

I don't want to anger those with Asperger's here. I make an attempt to stay open-minded about things, but some things he says has been bugging me.

The post in the link above is long, but I would love it if you guys could read it and give your advice.

I feel like breaking up with the guy because I am fed up with him. However, I get this feeling of saddness when I think about doing it for good. I know I will actually miss the fun times. But lately, it's as if only the bad parts are sticking with me.

I want to go more in depth about some of the things he has said to me. We had a fight at college one day. He said that he would have no negative feelings at all if I left him. He'd just accept it. He is also not interested in having sex at all and doesn't care if I go to another guy to lose my virginity.

I tried re-wording my reasoing to him several different times. I asked him if he felt jealousy or if he would be angry or have negative feelings. He said no. So whenever I expressed interest in leaving him to see other people, he panics and asks if I'm really serious. Do you think he really couldn't understand WHY it made me upset, and realized the extent of it when it caused me to leave? I remember during the argument, I was kindly telling him that I don't think I can stay with someone like him. He had a jacket on and was hiding his face from me, and I could tell it was getting really red. He almost looked like he was about to cry. Could it be he was frustrated and didn't know what to do, or could it be a pride issue? I know Aspies have trouble emotionally connecting, so I thought this may have been brought on by this.

Another issue with him is his big mouth. I am having him over on Thanksgiving and I am afraid he'll engage in some of his bad manners listed in the forum link above. I also have a brother who is gay (but my parents and other relatives don't know about this). He blurts things out without thinking and I am so afraid he'll do that. Is that another thing that Aspies do?

I've also heard some Aspies have poor hygeine. My boyfriend certainly does. I can tell he doesn't shower all the time. And recently I've learned from his mom that he doesn't wipe his arse well either (I can't believe she said that.....too much information....). These things can be a major turn-off. He doesn't want to dress nice. All year long, even in winter, he'll wear baggy shorts and t-shirts. Sometimes he'll wear sweat pants, and they look pretty damn aweful on him. I don't think it would hurt for him to dress nicer once in a while. His dad, who also has Asperger's, is so much different from him. He cleans himself up and dresses nice.

Do Aspies also mature more slowly? My boyfriend acts more like he's a preteen than almost 20. Sometimes this childishness and immaturity can be really aggravating.

Another thing my boyfriend does is hate people for small things. If they do one small thing to anger him (ex: Change their religion to something he hates, tease him for something), he'll hate them. One of my brother's friends made a comment about his hearing. My boyfriend is hearing impaired, and what he said pissed him off. My brother's friend was drunk but he didn't mean to insult him. One of my brother's other friends tried to make amends and apologized and asked if he was okay. My boyfriend said "What do you care?" This is also aggravating because he's so damn pissy. I'm afraid someone will piss him off and he'll turn into a drama queen over it.

He also didn't get along with one of my friends and as a result humiliated me. Both of my friends tell me to dump him. Honestly, I no longer like to bring him around any of my friends or family because he is actually an embarrassment to me. He tries to act mature and it fails. He tries to be funny and it fails. His jokes never make sense. He tries to be cute and that fails to. It's pure failture. I'd like to have a guy where I am not ANXIOUS to bring him around the family and am PROUD to show him off, not terrified!

I'm all mixed up and not sure what to do. I was hoping you guys could offer advice on this. I really, really need help. I've been getting so many mixed opinions on this issue.
One day I hate him, the next day I love him, the next day he's just okay, the next day I am unsure. I am tired of this indecisiveness. I can't make up my mind and I don't know what I want!

Oh, and one more thing was brought to my attention. I took an Asperger's test online and scored 36. I heard that 80% of those with Autism/Asperger's scored 32. I have been told by many that I share lots of things in common with Aspies, yet I find that I am very different from them as well. I heard that females with Aspergers are different than males. Is that true?

Thanks in advance to those who help.

I'm going to preface my response with a couple grains of salt so to speak.
-Both of ya are relatively young and inexperienced.
-What I'm saying is very speculative and anecdotal.

He likely has the equivalent of a social learning disability and won't have the same range of emotions that most people have wrt social interaction. That doesn't mean he's emotionless, in fact due to his differences when he is emotional he will likely be very emotional. The differences in ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) result in differences in emotional interpretation of events, so if the situation is significant enough, like when he realized you may be serious about leaving, he'll react similar to most people who wouldn't want ya to leave, but for the smaller stuff he'll react somewhat coldly compared to most people. Essentially, if he's anything like me, the manifestation of his emotions will appear very on-off to most people.

Now, as for the advice, if you don't want to be in a relationship with him, don't. Don't be cold or callous about it, just be direct and explain precisely what bothers you in the relationship. Try to be as supportive as possible too, since this will likely hit him like a ton of bricks if he's attached to you. I suggest trying direct communication if you wish to resolve any issues before leaving, and by direct I mean really be direct. Tell him explicitly what you like and dislike and ask him if he would change certain behavior. Likewise, you too would need to change if you want the relationship to work. For instance, you would need to acknowledge that just because he accepts you leaving doesn't mean he would be happy with it. Accepting something and liking something are two entirely different things, although for NTs, in order to facilitate communication there are tons of assumptions made regarding what things mean. For instance,

To most people in the situation you just described, stating they didn't care if the other left is analogous to stating they don't care about the other person, which is likely why you felt hurt. But, to him, since he doesn't have the same social/emotional development, stating he would accept you leaving and wouldn't harbor negative emotions probably doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. It likely means exactly what it you said. In other words, he will accept you leaving, and won't harbor negative emotions. But, that doesn't mean he won't be sad if you do leave.

Another example of this is attributing is unhappiness to yourself. You said.
Look at this literally. IMO, all he said was that he feels he will never be happy. But, that doesn't mean you don't make him happier, just that at the time he felt like he would never be happy. This probably isn't strictly something associated with ASD, but something associated with depression. Since people with ASD don't pick up on communication/social interaction they are more likely (i.e. ASDs have many comorbid problems such as depression, anxiety, etc) to have other problems. If you felt alone the majority of your life, wouldn't this depress you? If you want to find out whether you make him happy in the sense you likely mean, you need to ask if you make his life better/happier, not happy in general.

Lastly, and this is probably the most confusing part. ASD individuals usually pick up quite a few NT behaviors, but since they lack the entire social/emotional vocabulary, they may serve to make things more confusing, since some of the stuff they say may actually mean what most people mean, or it may mean something totally different, or it may be literal. If you want to seriously attempt working things out with him, you need to make it clear you want to communicate as directly as possibly, and figure out 100% fer sure what he means. This means cutting through any correct/incorrect NT communication methods he may be using as well as literal statements. Otoh, if ya just want to move on. Tell him this directly/clearly and try to be as supportive as possible. Good luck.

Reading your post on the other site, you say that he isn't interested in sex. Perhaps it isn't a matter of not valuing you, but of not taking a proprietary attitude toward you?




There is a difference between not being happy and being unhappy. Is he actually unhappy? I've known people who were not happy, but who were by no means unhappy.



Possible misunderstanding and miscommunications? They seem to be the hallmark of AS/NT relationships, no matter how much explaining either party does. Different communication styles and different sets of priorities will cause issues even with the best of intentions.


Maybe he didn't realise before? We are hopeless at picking up on this sort of thing.



He sounds like a bit of a tosser with this, but he may genuinely not realise how inappropriate his actions are.


A problem for many Aspies. It could be caused by forgetfulness or sensory issues.


So? From my point of view, people who care more about fashion than comfort are INSANE.


What's wrong with burping or farting? They are just bodily functions.


Typical Aspie, obsessive and doesn't know when to back down from an issue.



Pity is no reason to stay in a relationship.


Probably. I don't know. I hardly ever feel lonely.


In my opinion, it's far better to be alone than in a bad relationship.

Maybe you should consider writing your boyfriend and telling him your concerns. I know with my Aspergers I tend to be more effective in communiating my feelings via writing.

DazzleKitty, your boyfriend may be unaware that in maintaining his own comfort level, he is lowering yours. So you must tell him so, in a neutral and unemotional manner, if possible.

Try to avoid "you always" and "you never" statements.

Except that you're not dating "someone like him", you're dating him. Be concrete and specific. "You're a bit fragrant, mate. Did you forget to shower this morning?"

Say what you are feeling, sooner than trying to guess what he is feeling. "Please close your mouth when you chew, it grosses me out when you leave it open." "Please don't talk about what you and I did last night, I'd feel better if we kept that private."

When he makes a statement or asks a question, it may be that he means exactly that, no more and no less. So if your boyfriend said, "What do you care?" to someone, he could, in fact, have been asking, "Why do you, personally, have an interest in the matter?"

And also, if something annoys you a little bit now, it'll annoy you a lot later on. In that case, it may be better to end things now rather than later.

Best of luck to you both!

As an aspie, I find I need to be told specifically but tactfully if what I'm doing is causing upset/annoyance to another person. If they speak rudely to me, I get defensive. From what I've seen, this is an even bigger issue for Aspie guys.

Most of us dress for comfort and we have our favourite clothes. It's not very nice to be with somebody who's snobbish about clothes. Some of us have a fairly wicked sense of humour and not much tact.

The best thing to do if this boyfriend is likely to say things that will upset other people is to forewarn them and explain he is not meaning to cause offence and is still learning what is and isn't appropriate to say.

From what I've read, lots of guys fart, burp, and don't wipe their bums very well. I'm not sure what the best solution is. I had an aspie friend who hated anyone laughing if he farted or burped.

I don't understand why people don't wipe their bum properly because wouldn't they be afraid that people would think they smell like poo but not all aspies are so concerned about body odours.

It's not do anyone any favours to stay with them out of pity but it's worth trying a few things to improve the relationship before calling it quits.

Actually, the idea of writing things down in a very systematic manner is a good one. I think that it would be very helpful to this guy if you wrote down 1) a list of all of the things that are bothering you, in the most non-emotional, factual manner that you can, at the same time trying to be as considerate as possible of his feelings. You want to give him information, NOT make him feel bad (and I can tell, you don't have a desire to make him feel bad).

In another list, 2) you should write down all of the things that you like about him. He needs this, so that he can feel good about himself and understand that what you like in him, other future women will probably like about him as well.

In a final list, 3) write down all of the things he could change to make the relationship work, and all of the things YOU could change to make the relationship work. There's a pretty good chance that this relationship isn't going to work, but this is the way you can make an attempt to work together on it if you really love each other. Also, having this information written down can be helpful to him in future relationships.

All of the things you've written in your post about your relationship with this guy are very similiar -- very typical of what happens in relationships with aspies. ESPECIALLY when you describe his not caring if you leave, or not feeling upset. I've been through that with my husband to a small degree. This doesn't mean that he doesn't have feelings for you, it probably means that he can't conjure up how he would feel about a future circumstance at the current time. NT's can't comprehend this type of response, but I'm guessing that it's a common thing among aspies.

Good luck with however you plan to deal with this. You seem like a nice person, and he probably is as well. But you are both very young, and however things work out, you both will be fine.

Kris

This sounds like the situation my daughter was in for 18 months with a guy, he had lots of issues possibly AS also. Even though I have AS I got fed up with the way she was treated and eventually she saw sense and split up, she was never going to get what she wanted in life, marriage and children, if she stayed with him. Think where you want to be in a year or two or three and whether you will get there with this guy. Also if you are feeling embarassed, unappreciated etc then that will rub off on the way that you treat him and he will feel increasingly unhappy.

It isn't just the men. I'm sure that if she had ever participated in an actual farting contest, my mother would have easily defeated all contenders.

My sister stayed at my aunty's for a few months and said she was the fartiest person she'd ever met so yes, it's not just the blokes who do it.

Thank you all so much for the help.

I am going to try to be blunt and fix things. However, if it doesn't work, I think I'll have to call it quits.

Pardon my bluntness (it's late) but why are you going to try to fix things? You're clearly unhappy in this relationship. Even if he somehow manages to start behaving in a manner that is more along the lines of what you'd want in a boyfriend (which he won't), it wouldn't come from his heart. What you want is someone who behaves with kindness because that's what he has decided he likes doing, of his own accord.

You don't owe him another chance. I suspect that you're considering trying to work it out because you're afraid that you won't be able to get a guy who treats you better. Keep in mind that right now you are with someone who has been chipping away at your self-esteem with nasty comments, so you're probably not even seeing yourself straight.

This guy shows the sort of immaturity that would take years and a lot of deliberate effort on his part to overcome. He may choose to stay like this 'til he's 75. Don't stick around to find out. Just my thoughts.