meltdowns and relationships

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I've been with my gf for about 3 yrs now, with serious intentions on marriage. Here's the problem: I have frequent meltdowns on a daily basis, and almost always with the worst timing -- in front of, or while I'm spending time with Esther.

I know she's patient but it seems like the more and more often it occurs, she gets less and less patient. I know it's stupid and wrong and I hate myself every time it happens. It's triggered usually by something ridiculous like if my gf speaks to me in a wrong tone, or if I forget my keys, or some other nonsense.

What should I do? I even have my brain telling me it's HER problem, not mine, like my brain is trying to justify it. But I'm know it's my problem. Her only "fault" is that she isn't patient enough to handle my meltdowns. It's not her fault. I don't see most women being able to handle half an aspie...let alone a full blown aspie like myself.

Meltdowns are killing us and it's driving me crazy. She tells me that it's difficult to see me as a stable and good husband if I have these ridiculous meltdowns -- and I don't blame her. How could she expect me to take care of her if I'm going crazy and shutting down, like a 4 yr. old with a temper tantrom, every day?

For the record, we've also decided not to have kids. I don't want to pass on my poison blood onto an innocent child. I don't want them living the way I do.

I know this is an aspie support group, and I love other aspies, myself included. But come on guys -- I don't think any of us like having meltdowns.

Please help!

I think maybe you should consider seeking proffessional help for your meltdowns. Maybe someone on this forum can offer a better suggestion, but techniques such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped to drastically reduce the number of meltdowns I have.

This could be a major contributing factor, you have a poor self image, hence low self esteem. When you have low self esteem, you also tend to have poor coping skills, again for the sake of your g/f and more importantly yourself, please seek proffessional help.

I'm not exactly sure as to the process of a meltdown, I normally have no reaction to lots of things or an over the top almost funny reaction, but if you can try to help it spend more time thinking about whatever situation just occurred.

Whenever something ends up happening in my life that I assume is upsetting I end up just sitting in silence (for as long as it takes) thinking about what has happened, where it puts me, where it puts others, and what the best course of action is.

I've done that for everything from my father being in a car accident, to responding to a girlfriend when she points out I left something at the grocery store.

You may look a little stupid while you sit there for a dozen seconds before responding, but at least there is no shouting?

i also have meltdowns, but not that often.
all I can say is learn to detect them and manage them,
maybe excuse yourself when you see one coming and wait till you cool off.

What do you do when you have a "meltdown?" Be specific.

Do you just get angry or do you also space out or experience 'nullness'? Anger is anger. Meltdowns involve the frontal lobe but if you have compensated your built pent up anger and frustration that can reduce the chance of you lashing out at somebody or something during a meltdown. Plus you might actually have fewer meltdowns. Martial arts is a good option.

CBT was mentioned that would be a good idea. A component of that will be looking at you environment and sensory in general. Another component will be recognizing the signs earlier. Another component component will be reducing the impact and the frequency. Also do you do something when you start to get over loaded? I notice I often flap my hand near my face. It depends how accommodating your g/f is but for the short term she could leave the room and close the door (personally I would add switch the light off too). So long as you both in agreement about the ‘time out’ an neither is going to take it personally.

There are many parents out there are are not in the spectrum that end up with aspie children. Im sorry that statement makes no sense to me.

I am having similar problems with my gf, but its more along the lines of little details all day. I am doing badly remembering stuff that I need to do, like close the door and wash my hands. She was lenient with my hair brushing. i didnt brush it for so long it took me three days to fix it when I descided I wanted to brush it.

I'd suggest going to the doctor and seeing if they could prescribe an anti-anxiety medication. It won't cure the meltdowns but will help with general anxiety levels, giving you the chance to work out what is causing them.

I also get meltdowns if people speak to me in a bad tone of voice so my sympathies. Perhaps getting married isn't such a good idea.

hey,
im in the same boat with my bf who wants to marry me! What we did was get a piece of paper, and write on it what we would like each other to work on, and if i had a meltdown we would instantly go to that paper and see why and what happened so we can prevent it next time!

I've had the worst meltdowns because of tone of voice, misinterpreted jokes, and other things, i hate it! I also got this paper i found online about what every autistic wish everybody knew and asked him to keep that and always reread it for any future problems, here maybe you can give your nt gf this and ask her to read it, might help, pm me if u have any other questions or you can pm my nt bf fastjim!------------------------------->

Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges for me. It isn't that I don't listen to instructions. It's that I can't understand you. When you call to me from across the room, this is what I hear: "*&^%$#@, Billy. #$%^*&^%$&* ??’"? ??’"? ??’"?" Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words: "Please put your book in your desk, Billy. It's time to go to lunch." This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next. Now it is much easier for me to comply.

I am a concrete thinker. This means I interpret language very literally. It's very confusing for me when you say, "Hold your horses, cowboy!" when what you really mean is "Please stop running." Don't tell me something is a "piece of cake" when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is "this will be easy for you to do." When you say "It's pouring cats and dogs," I see pets coming out of a pitcher. Please just tell me "It's raining very hard."

Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres, inference, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost on me.

Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It's hard for me to tell you what I need when I don't know the words to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express. Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.

Or, there's a flip side to this: I may sound like a "little professor" or movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age. These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits because I know I am expected to respond when spoken to. They may come from books, TV, the speech of other people. It is called "echolalia." I don't necessarily understand the context or the terminology I'm using. I just know that it gets me off the hook for coming up with a reply.

Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented. Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me. And please be prepared to show me many times. Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.

A visual schedule is extremely helpful as I move through my day. Like your day-timer, it relieves me of the stress of having to remember what comes next, makes for smooth transition between activities, helps me manage my time and meet your expectations. Here's a great website for learning more about visual schedules: www.cesa7.k12.wi.us/sped/autism/structure/str11.htm .

I won't lose the need for a visual schedule as I get older, but my "level of representation" may change. Before I can read, I need a visual schedule with photographs or simple drawings. As I get older, a combination of words and pictures may work, and later still, just words.

Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can't do. Like any other human, I can't learn in an environment where I'm constantly made to feel that I'm not good enough and that I need "fixing." Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however "constructive," becomes something to be avoided. Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one "right" way to do most things.

I do best in structured play activities that have a clear beginning and end. I don't know how to "read" facial expressions, body language or the emotions of others, so I appreciate ongoing coaching in proper social responses. For example, if I laugh when Emily falls off the slide, it's not that I think it's funny. It's that I don't know the proper response. Teach me to say "Are you OK?"

Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns. Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you. They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload. If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented. Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities. A pattern may emerge.

Try to remember that all behavior is a form of communication. It tells you, when my words cannot, how I perceive something that is happening in my environment.

Parents, keep in mind as well: persistent behavior may have an underlying medical cause. Food allergies and sensitivities, sleep disorders and gastrointestinal problems can all have profound effects on behavior.

hey,
im in the same boat with my bf who wants to marry me! What we did was get a piece of paper, and write on it what we would like each other to work on, and if i had a meltdown we would instantly go to that paper and see why and what happened so we can prevent it next time!

I've had the worst meltdowns because of tone of voice, misinterpreted jokes, and other things, i hate it! I also got this paper i found online about what every autistic wish everybody knew and asked him to keep that and always reread it for any future problems, here maybe you can give your nt gf this and ask her to read it, might help, pm me if u have any other questions or you can pm my nt bf fastjim!------------------------------->

Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges for me. It isn't that I don't listen to instructions. It's that I can't understand you. When you call to me from across the room, this is what I hear: "*&^%$#@, Billy. #$%^*&^%$&* ??’"? ??’"? ??’"?" Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words: "Please put your book in your desk, Billy. It's time to go to lunch." This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next. Now it is much easier for me to comply.

I am a concrete thinker. This means I interpret language very literally. It's very confusing for me when you say, "Hold your horses, cowboy!" when what you really mean is "Please stop running." Don't tell me something is a "piece of cake" when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is "this will be easy for you to do." When you say "It's pouring cats and dogs," I see pets coming out of a pitcher. Please just tell me "It's raining very hard."

Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres, inference, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost on me.

Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It's hard for me to tell you what I need when I don't know the words to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express. Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.

Or, there's a flip side to this: I may sound like a "little professor" or movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age. These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits because I know I am expected to respond when spoken to. They may come from books, TV, the speech of other people. It is called "echolalia." I don't necessarily understand the context or the terminology I'm using. I just know that it gets me off the hook for coming up with a reply.

Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented. Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me. And please be prepared to show me many times. Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.

A visual schedule is extremely helpful as I move through my day. Like your day-timer, it relieves me of the stress of having to remember what comes next, makes for smooth transition between activities, helps me manage my time and meet your expectations. Here's a great website for learning more about visual schedules: www.cesa7.k12.wi.us/sped/autism/structure/str11.htm .

I won't lose the need for a visual schedule as I get older, but my "level of representation" may change. Before I can read, I need a visual schedule with photographs or simple drawings. As I get older, a combination of words and pictures may work, and later still, just words.

Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can't do. Like any other human, I can't learn in an environment where I'm constantly made to feel that I'm not good enough and that I need "fixing." Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however "constructive," becomes something to be avoided. Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one "right" way to do most things.

I do best in structured play activities that have a clear beginning and end. I don't know how to "read" facial expressions, body language or the emotions of others, so I appreciate ongoing coaching in proper social responses. For example, if I laugh when Emily falls off the slide, it's not that I think it's funny. It's that I don't know the proper response. Teach me to say "Are you OK?"

Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns. Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you. They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload. If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented. Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities. A pattern may emerge.

Try to remember that all behavior is a form of communication. It tells you, when my words cannot, how I perceive something that is happening in my environment.

Parents, keep in mind as well: persistent behavior may have an underlying medical cause. Food allergies and sensitivities, sleep disorders and gastrointestinal problems can all have profound effects on behavior.