How to know if an Asperger's guy is interested?

Post Reply New Topic

I’ve been getting to know this guy at work over the last month and he asked me to lunch. Before going, I did notice that he was a little different and seemed uptight around social settings and someone told me that he had his “head in the clouds” all the time. But he’s a really great guy, so we went to lunch, where things (at least to me) seemed to go extremely bad. He acted in such a way that I felt he was blowing me off and had absolutely no interest in me (yet he had asked me to lunch and afterward seemed ok/happy with everything). It was so strange that I researched his actions on the internet, and I now believe he has Asperger's (fitting almost all of the diagnostic criteria I have found). I understand now that he wasn’t purposely trying to be rude to me at lunch. We’ve met since then, and each time things seem to get better between us.

So this is my question: As what you guys call an NT, I need some help understanding if he wants us to just be friends or if he would like to date. Like I said, because he didn’t flirt at lunch and didn’t act like most guys who have been interested, I was dead sure he (at most) wanted to be friends and maybe didn’t even like me. I really enjoy being around him, and if he just wants to be friends, that’s fine. But if he is interested, I’m interested too, especially when I compare him to some of the dishonest losers I’ve met. How can I encourage him without seeming too forward (I’m a traditional kind of girl)?

So basically here are my questions again:
1. How can I tell if he likes me as a friend vs. if he is interested in me?
2. What are some subtle ways to let him know I would be receptive to dating him if he is interested?

Thanks!

1. Ask
2. no

Hopefully some people here have much better answers than me. But,
1. Personally, I've always had trouble understanding when certain things are acceptable. Like, when is it appropriate to take steps forward?
I saw this guy and a girl I liked together one time(I hate that feeling). Anyway, they were hanging out at a concert at my school. The guy was right up close to her, whispering in her ear, stroking her hair. But apparently they weren't dating. They were just a couple of friends. That confuses the hell out of me. Do you do that sort of thing when you're just trying to start something (which this guy was)? I would think such a thing would require at least a date.
2. Subtle and aspie just don't mix generally. The one time I almost had something with a girl, I was expected to understand all these things she wouldn't say. But I think that's guys in general to a certain extent.
Good luck.

Last edited by TheMidnightJudge on 07 Oct 2007, 1:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Perfect. In the end the best way to get an aspie guy is to say things as they are.

The same thing has happened to me with guys. They wanted me to understand these subtle things and they seemed to want me to communicate the same way instead of bluntly stating what I'd like to do with them. Needless to say, nothing came of those situations except mild disappointment.

Yeah, direct honesty is a good thing, to an aspie.

#1) It is pretty obvious that he considers you are imporant because he asked you to lunch. It doesn't necessarily means that he likes you; but you must somehow be important to him. I've done the same exact thing with a girl before.....acted like a total insensitive prick when she asked me to help her study and I didn't consciously realize it wasn't really too study.

#2) I think he likes you. In fact, I'm 99.9% sure he likes you. Just tell him you like him back.

Agree 100%

The fact that that he already asked you to lunch says he's interested. Since you both are continuing this tells me he's still interested. Me, I'm not very good at flirting and didn't even try. Don't expect it from him. Once he feels comfortable with you, he may attempt it. Please do not laugh at his attempts. His attempts may even seem inappropriate.


"No" I agree with this. I was never very good at reading women. Subtle was always confusing. I always assumed that she was not interested or messing with me. Being direct is the best option. If you enjoy spending the time with him. Do that. The fact that you agree to spend time with him, tells him your interested.

He may not have much experience with relationships or he may have had some bad ones. He does not have the ability that NT have. Sometimes he may be honest at the inappropriate time.

Social situations will bother him. You will need to take the lead. He can be comfortable in them if you help. Don't leave him alone to talk to other NTs. He will not do it again. Try to keep a schedule. NTs are good at going with the flow. Aspies like to know that they can get out of it.

Keep reading the forums. There are many traits that you must recognize as Aspergers and not him being an A**H***. Sensory issues are my worst. Loud sounds, bright lights, personal space. He may not want to be touched.

Be patient. Be forgiving. Be honest. Above all, don't think that you can fix him. It will not work. But he can learn ways to deal if he has reasons too.

Usually if he makes excuses to talk and be around you its a good hint, if hes taking time to talk to you its a very good hint. With my AS I don't talk to many people because of fear I may say something stupid.



Be blunt, tell him whats on your mind. People with AS have trouble picking up social ques and you girls should already know that any guy can't read a girls mind.

This is a good point. He may not even be aware that he's giving off any signals, but still look for them. Efforts to be around you, when he is otherwise a bit distant from people, would be a good indication. I usually found myself either avoiding someone I was interested in entirely, from fear of saying or doing something incredibly off-putting, or forcing myself to be around them, since I knew the first option wouldn't help anything, and struggling to deal with the discomfort it may have caused.

As for 2:
Everyone else has said this, but don't be subtle. If you absolutely have to be subtle, think about the things you would try, consciously or otherwise, and write them out. Make him a rule-book, and then hand it to him. Give him the instruction manual, and while you are at it, go ahead and post it to the site. I'm sure others would be happy to have some sort of pocket reference for when X is appropriate, or what Y means in certain settings.

I suppose that wouldn't be all that subtle... so as everyone else has said, don't be subtle.


QFT


You aren't the only one. It doesn't matter how much I know about the situation, whether or not I know the other person is interested, or more. I'm clueless as to what is "appropriate" in terms of any sort of timeline, or what is supposed to happen when... basically I don't know what the acceptable steps are, or how long each step is supposed to take, or how long I'm supposed to wait until the next step...eh...might as well summarize, I'm f'ing clueless.

OK, first things first.

THANK YOU ! !! !

If there were more people like you the world would be a much nicer place. Now, to try and answer your questions.

1. This is very difficult to tell. You could always ask but remember that this guy you are interested in might be very nervous and the answer you get the first time (or the second, or the third) may not be the one you expect.

2. Smile, hold his hand, and give it a little squeeze. If that doesn't set off the fireworks he really does have problems.

Ed Almos

a guy usually doesn't ask a girl alone for lunch for the friendship's sake(especially if he knows you only over a 1 month) but for something more , so i think he either liked you during the lunch or not .

Just ask him .

If he is ASD you need to be obvious. A girl once cooked me dinner, about two years later I suddenly realised that was a date.

I just remembered a girl once invited me to dinner 15 years ago. I thought it strange that no one else was there. And she didn't ask again.

GS33, there's a good possibility that he literally can't show his interest in a way that's appropriate or that works for him. I think the best thing you can do is really just try talking to him for a while, get to know him, and slowly strip away the barriers to see what happens - pretty much if like I'd imagine if you were dating a shy person in general.

Direct can still scare. I'd get him drunk,
seems the only way anyone catches me,
even though I want to be caught. Then
take advantage of him.